A flow chart or diagram of a person’s family of origin and extended family — usually three generations although people often invest more time and energy and “go back” another two or three generations.
There are many symbols and distinctive markings people use and each practitioner usually develops his or her own style.
A GENOGRAM is PREDICTIVE but not DETERMINATIVE.
Getting required information from your family may be a challenge and an exercise in healing in itself.
Creating a Genogram is an on-going exercise and it will change as a family changes with births, deaths, marriages, adoptions and divorces.
People can and do “defy” the predictions that reveal themselves (addictions, unwanted patterns, cut-offs, fusions) in a Genogram but are unlikely to do so without a committed plan toward greater individual health.
Calm or chaos in one generation is likely to “flow through” the system.
I hope you are learning a lot and seeing a lot and enjoying what we are doing together.
My goals are very simple.
I will consider myself as having done a good job if:
You live more powerfully from today than you did before by making very simple decisions to speak up more than you did before and to clarify yourself more than you did before. Self-advocacy comes with immediate feedback and rewards. Keep in mind that not everyone you know will applaud your renewed or “discovered” voice, especially those who have benefitted from your choice (known or unknown) to function at lower levels. If you are stronger on some days than you are on others do not despair, you are human. No one is highly functional everyday although we can by practice and newly formed habits improve our averages.
I have given you an overview of a subject I love and around which I have built my life. There is far more to Family Therapy and to most topics of mental health and counseling that can be covered in a week. Those of you who enjoy this particular approach to mental health and counseling will find yourselves motivated to go deeper. You’ll immerse yourselves into the readily available vast array of books and reading on this and many related topics. Try to read as much Roberta Gilbert as you can. Robeta has several books available and two that come to mind are Extraordinary Relationships and Extraordinary Leadership.
Today we will finish the 8 principles and then look at some disguised but real client family stories.
We will review teaching with an overview of The Formidable Triangle.
Your DAY 3 challenges:
How is your Backbone? If it were a tank of courage is it running on empty or full?
You were a creative child – what have you done with that God-given capacity?
How is your Voice and are you using it for its intended purpose?
To be human — like it or not — is to be endowed with power and influence.
What will you do with yours?
Will you use it to enhance the lives of others or feather your own nest?
May we all choose a path that empowers those who could do with respectful assistance and, for ourselves, know when enough is enough.
Will you over-power others or seek equality and mutuality in all your relationships and all your dealings?
May you and I seek only to love knowing that authentic love seeks to exercise power over no one.
Will you reduce your size and influence and consider yourself a victim so as not to feel responsible for the power that comes with your humanity?
May we develop our skills and giftings and take responsibility for the talents with which we have been endowed.
Will you relate to all as fellow humans on a journey toward fulfillment and meaningfulness, all of whom deserve respect and recognition?
May you and I develop willingness and the capacity to offer our highest regard for all, especially those who for whatever reason are unable to return anything to us at all,
Will you and I accumulate more and more assets and more and more symbols of wealth and success?
Rather, may we have the discernment to know when enough is enough.
There are a few ways I can tell when an unwell client is gathering strength and becoming well……
He begins to speak up. He resists “falling into line” and acquiescing to others when he’d previously kept his mouth shut and conformed to the expectations of others.
She starts to think things through. She turns consequences and ramifications over in her mind before agreeing with or accepting my suggestions. She trusts her own insights more than she trusts her therapist’s insights about her.
He develops a growing “bird’s eye view” of his life. He begins to see with greater and greater clarity how seemingly “small” decisions of repeated healthy choices rapidly usher in larger positive outcomes than can be anticipated.
She begins to enjoy the rewards of making difficult but healthy choices. She wakes up most days with growing anticipation despite her substantial challenges.
He sees and feels more and more courageous and confident about his own life even while appreciating the humility required of those who desire to live meaningful lives.
She expresses thanks and appreciation for her life despite its struggles and anticipates being an agent of hope to others with similar challenges.
A “new” way of thinking – not really. There are many ways in which you are already a seasoned and expert in systemic thinking. Do you drive? Ever thought of how complex an International Airport is?
Linear Thinking or Systemic Thinking
Non-Living Systems / Living Systems / The Body of Christ. 1Co 12:12 The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body.
BEING
Time to focus on SELF and to get focus off OTHERS – you are a PERSON – become an expert in YOUR behavior, The People you love will probably survive without your intense focus but they might sizzle (or fry) from it.
Jesus had a thorough self-knowledge and understood His relationships and was never taken off guard by others. Jesus Perfected the art of DIFFERENTIATION OF SELF – engage the life-long process to do the same.
FAMILY SYSTEM
Family or Origin – size and position matters.
You are part of a NETWORK of RELATIONSHIPS – it is called a FAMILY and you are part of a GET to know yourself WITHIN that system.
Why I love Bowen Theory and Family Systems – there are at least 5 reasons, maybe more.
Your DAY 1 challenges:
Name relationships where you could do with more space (freedom, room to move) – be careful now.
Name relationships where you could do with more intimacy, more feedback, closeness– be careful now.
Name the people whose behavior you are an expert in at the expense of focusing on your behavior.
Has anything taught today caused you to experience some pain or sadness – are you willing to name those areas to someone important to you?
I am I, You are You, We are We, Let Us not ConFuse The Three
“Horse and carriage” drives within you: deny either at your own peril…
A is for Autonomy: a powerful instinctual longing within you. It’s the desire to be self-directed and separate. It is the “you” who wants to be free of all responsibilities. It is the “you” that fears absorption; the “you” who wants to let your hair blow in the wind, feel the sun on your back and go! It’s the lone-ranger and pioneer spirit within you. This desire is God-breathed, God-inspired and a necessary part of your growth. This need can be met, not by irresponsibly severing ties, but through regularly finding time to be alone.
I is for Intimacy: a powerful instinctual longing within you. It is the desire to nest. It is the “you” who wants to belong, be known, to be part of a family. It is the “you” who fears abandonment and longs for a shared journey. This is the part of you that longs for the sounds, symbols and reality of a shared life. This desire is God-breathed, God-inspired and a necessary part of your survival and growth. This need is met through regularly spending time in a loving family or community. A with I = Emotional Health
Your dad may try to give the impression that Father’s Day doesn’t mean much. I’d suggest you ignore his resistance. Make a big deal out of it. It’s not the gift or the card that he receives from you that’s important to him, it’s that you phoned and chatted, you wrote, you remembered and recalled your lives together and recognized his commitment to you.
Your dad may try to brush off your attention at Father’s Day and tell you that he doesn’t need the focus and the attention but lavish him with it anyway. Neither of you will be around forever so make this one a good one, one to remember. Another shaving set or pair of socks will never be as treasured as a carefully composed letter recalling your best memories with your dad.
Fathering is a fragile journey for many men, many whose frames of reference were often lacking. Many of our dads fought unseen demons of ravished childhoods. Let the adult within you find grace for him —- if this be you — and celebrate your dad despite the struggles you too may have known.
I noticed some years ago that on landing in Johannesburg or Cape Town from an overseas flight after a long absence from South Africa, unanticipated memories — not always helpful or wanted, often unusual — would begin to surface. For instance, telephone numbers I’d not accessed or needed for years would be readily available.
I had not unbuckled my 46G seat and faced customs and immigration yet on this trip and for some reason I remembered the newspaper seller who stood on the corner of Field and Smith Streets at 1am on a Sunday morning after I’d left the Oyster Box Hotel. Danny would save me “all three” papers for a healthy tip and remind me that he’d kept “all three” last week and I’d not arrived.
I can never go too far down my Duran memory lane before Gordon Michael at the Mitchell Gardens Blue Zoo restaurant, a beloved afternoon tea spot, fills me with delight. On visiting, Gordon would open his menu and show me my columns he’d cut from the paper and stuffed into his menu to show his customers how long we’d been friends. Gordon has no idea how often I’ve told audiences of his stories of Durban and of his 46 years of faithful service to a city and people whom he has so deeply loved.
Mozambique, Malawi, Rwanda, South Africa, South Sudan, Namibia, Burkina Faso, Zambia, and several other African countries were well represented. Three were from the USA. One was from the UK and one was from Canada.
We were a collection of pastors and counselors, writers, journalists, and artists. Two were television journalists who covered little known wars. I was aware of at least 1 engineer.
I heard people speaking English, Portuguese, Xhosa, and several languages I could not identify.
While I have no way of knowing anyone’s net worth it became clear from multiple conversations that some lived on very very little while others have all they’ll ever need.
Several people among us had buried their children, faced wars, famine and experienced violence first hand.
Some had faced forced removals and had to resettle in areas unknown. At least 2 had endured brutal torture.
For 10 days we lived together, shared meals, and talked. We learned. We laughed. We listened. Some cried.
Over the days it became clear that happiness and peace and goodwill all come from within and defy purchase. We learned, some for the first time and some again, that it’s not where someone lives that delivers contentment, but always how.
difficultrelationships.com 