The Mercury / Friday

I meet a lot of people who want to change the world (for good). I recognize the impulse also lives strongly in me. I repeatedly read, “be the change you want to see,” and, as powerful as this exhortation is, the overuse of such exhortations can render the reader inured to its power.

This doesn’t mean we ought not try.

Here are a few things that have really helped me limit my focus, then, counter-intuitively, have resulted in a wider-spread of readership and more speaking opportunities than I ever imagined:

• Do immediately what is possible with those who are closest – keep short accounts, forgive deeply, and live cleanly.

• Be unafraid of stating your case, presenting your views, and learning about where you are misguided or just plain wrong.

• Appreciate that you can’t reasonably expect change if you also reject the idea of losing something or things getting out of your control.

• Own up to the reality that the behavior of others is out of your control but how you respond to the behavior of others is your responsibility.

• Take the long-term view – very little of worth and significance is instant.

• Assist others to design and live great lives – the spin-off is that it assists you to do the same.

The Mercury – Your columnist’s daily challenge…… / Wednesday

I face the daily joy and daily challenge of trying to be in person who I am on paper (in your paper) – and, of course, the other way around, too. I like to think that we are on this journey together.

(Almost) every day I strive for:

Self-definition – the courage to tell the world who I am and who I am not. The “world”, more specifically refers to those with whom I am closest, like immediate family, and closest friends. The more intimate the relationship AND the greater the ability for self-definition, the greater are the rewards. Failure to self-define in my closest relationships compromises my ability to do so with a broader community.

Growing in integrity – this is the willingness to bring myself into greater oneness and tackles my wellness where it starts – within. Integrity, of course, is a one-way street – I do what I can to integrate my life so I am what I am with all people.

Inviting grace into every area of my life – this is the willingness to grow in the areas of forgiving others for their wrongs against me (real or perceived) and to seek forgiveness from others where I have hurt or deceived others. It is to be generous to others (especially those who appear not to deserve it) and to allow others vast space for error and failure.

I shall be in Curitiba Brazil for the first week of April. Please email me if you’d like to meet.

Do you want a week of deeper human connection? I do. Here are a few healing words and questions to tuck into the back of your head to get you started:

• I will drop everything and spend as much time as you want listening to you.
• I will hear you out no matter how long it takes.
• Nothing you divulge will shock me or change how I view you.
• What’s holding you back from achieving your goals?
• I never expected you to be perfect in the first place.
• Most people have five or seven things they are really good at – please tell me yours.
• Please tell me about all the people who have really loved you and have expected nothing in return.
• Tell me about the five most important changes you have made in your life.
• Tell me about the most important decisions you have made.
• Tell me about the times in your life when you felt most purposeful and loved.
• Our friendship is about who we both are and not what we may have or not done in the past.
• What can I do more, what can I do less, to improve our friendship?

The Mercury / Wednesday – Dedicated to the students at DPHS

An educated young man…(fifteen symptoms)

1. He defines his own path, and does not follow of the pack.

2. He writes well, or is learning to; he speaks well, and, if necessary, he can command an audience; he never uses crude language.

3. He understands his personal history as much as he can and harbors no contempt for his roots.

4. He understands his cultural history, is empowered by its heroes, but is not trapped by its villains.

5. He never raises his voice at his parents or refers to his mother as “she.”

6. He respects legitimate authority, but is unafraid to appropriately question it.

7. He understands and respects the power of money.

8. He respects all women everywhere.

9. He reads broadly, or is at least learning to do so.

10. He stands up when his elders enter a room and gives up his seat to those who need it.

11. He loves and respects the environment, the sciences, and all forms of the arts.

12. He opens doors for others, and he enters dark rooms first. He never wears a hat in a building.

13. He stands on his own two feet without pushing anyone else over.

14. He loves his brain enough to protect it from harmful substances.

15. He loves and understands his body, treats it like his longest lasting and most treasured asset.

And, of course, to my own boys:

The Mercury / Friday

• My heart goes out to children who live in unsettled houses. Houses where the abuse of alcohol or drugs dominates everything. Houses where rage rips people apart.

• My heart goes out to children whose parents were once together and now are apart. Although the child may have received loving messages about how they are loved despite what mother and father do, it still often makes no sense to the child.

• My heart goes out to children who are fighting a deadly disease and to the siblings who are fighting it with them. The necessary lack of certainty bolstered with statements of faith, all within the same adult sentence, can be confusing. It’s at least as confusing for the child as it is for the adult trying to comfort them.

• My heart goes out to children whose boundaries are ignored and violated and whose voices are ignored or silenced. Such children might as well be invisible to those commissioned to love and protect them.

• My heart goes out to the child who must assume a defensive stance because of race, gender, language; or whether he or she is “legal” or “illegal.”

• My heart goes out to children who are hungry in a nation of plenty, those born outside the dominant culture, those whose troubles are the fruit of a troubled nation.

• My heart goes out to my own sons who, it seems, will never know their blood mothers or blood fathers and who have to tolerate me when at times I’m unpredictable, irrational, and reactive.