A reader writes, and your comments are encouraged…..

3 Comments to “A reader writes, and your comments are encouraged…..”

1. 
   Nancy
   August 5, 2008 at 1:26 pm

   Disappointment has a way of lowering expectations causing its bearer to settle for less. I will pray for you that you experience mutual love in your next serious relationship.

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2. 
   Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
   August 6, 2008 at 12:37 pm

   “I feel compelled to respond to your letter from the ‘other woman’ in a relationship with a married man.

   My husband conducted a two-year extra-marital affair after many years of marriage. We survived the shocking discovery of my husband’s infidelity, but trust and respect, once broken, are difficult things to re-build. Understanding why a husband strays from a happy and long-standing marriage is totally impossible.

   Why did your reader end the three previous relationships that ‘were headed nowhere’? She says that there was no talk of marriage yet reveals total disrespect for marriage by her actions. Why is she now conducting an illicit affair expecting nothing? Perhaps she needs to carefully consider her apparent fear of long-term commitment and the motives of both parties.

   She needs to consider the damage that she and the married man are doing, not only to themselves but to his wife and family. She selfishly asserts that he is attentive and good to her, yet tacitly accepts that he is a cheat who, by his liaison with her, desecrates what should be the most important relationship in his life. My advice to your reader is to get out of this affair now, before hearts are broken by discovery and disclosure, and seek the counselling that she obviously needs.”

   Received by Email and posted by Rod on behalf of the writer….

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3. 
   Kathryn
   August 9, 2008 at 11:09 am

   I am a quiet sort of person normally. Today when I was doing my bills and checking accounts as usual. I realised I didn’t have money I thought I had to fix the car this month. Can do it in two weeks, but other bills have to be paid first and I simply forgot about them because I made the mistake of thinking I had made the final payments. They are next month not this month. Horror! I won’t be able to tell my partner because he will be so angry and will yell at me followed by weeks of the silent treatment. This makes me afraid to tell him.
   I am unsure about how others see me. Sometimes I feel awkward in public situations. And I say stupid sometimes silly things that make me seem odd, or different to them. I have no friends to speak of not really, so I am alone most of the time with no girlfriends to chat with about happy or sad times. I am so nervous when trying to be good that I lose the ability to seem normal to most people.
   I currently live with someone who has these problems and has recently quit. I am not sure he quit because of him or because of me. He still smokes, now he diets all the time and enjoys bragging about his losing weight. I have lost over a stone (14 lbs) and he just ignores me when I say anything to him about my achievements. How this is phrased is he says “I am losing weight look at this, I can wear this or that etc.” “I say that is good, you are looking very handsome I have lost too about 3 lbs every week” He says nothing just walks away.
   Emotionally he makes me feel stupid and small. He talks over me, will not let me say what I am thinking, or just leaves the room when I am taking to him. I can be watching a moving and then says as he is turning the channel, you aren’t watching this are you. He never looks me in the face. He is a bit younger than me (8 years), and physically smaller than me. He isn’t as educated as I am but I don’t care about these things all that matters is that we have a good relationship. This is the one thing I don’t have. While he makes plans about how we will live together somewhere else, he is buying all new gadgets and seems to have an endless pot of funds. While I struggle an extra 100 can break the bank. Like it did today he resents helping and sharing or giving are not in his vocabulary. We don’t talk about important matters until I simply can’t take anymore. Then he doesn’t respond, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to talk.
   When he are on holiday he says what a good time he had when the whole time I have been silent, in tears alone, and lonely with no one to talk to. As many of the things he does are with his friends leaving me behind. If I try to come along it’s like I am butting in to his plans. Everything we do is up to him; he will ask me if I want to do something. I will say what I would like but to keep the peace I do what he wants.
   Others opinions of me matter certainly respect matters. But I don’t know if he respects me he says he loves me then why don’t his actions show it? Am I expecting too much? I have a low opinion of myself but I do try so very hard to do the best I can. It takes very little to make me content, I need very little in this life, but I wonder if I am asking something from this man that he simply cannot or will not give to me.
   I like that he has friends, but since I moved from Seattle to Scotland I have no friends of my own to go to. I have tried to make some but they don’t seem to click with me, it’s like they are so mistrusting where I live. It is very hard; it’s a much insulated community. Maybe it’s because the jokes his friends find funny I can’t laugh at as they are usually ugly jokes about people’s race, sexuality, and such. I mentally can’t communicate with them on their level as I am not like them at all.
   I also doubt my ability to have a loving and lasting relationship or even to choose the correct person for me. So many have lied, cheated, and hurt me that I know nothing else but this even my parents were abusive. I am almost fifty and cannot imagine going on like this for another 30 years or more. If I had one wish it would to be honestly and truly loved before I die. And that this person who loves me is my best friend.
   Don’t get me wrong I don’t place blame on others as the sole source of suffering as I am responsible for my own behaviour and actions but honestly right now I am so alone and stressed that the doctor decided to put me on antidepressants, and I am still not coping. For example I just go out of a job where I had been bullied endlessly, I should be overjoyed. I feel no happiness around this at all. Just numb.
   It’s like if I make a mistake I just want to hide in a corner and die. I have to be perfect all the time, I have to sit, walk, speak, look in a certain way otherwise I will be judged badly and people will think badly of me. Yet logically I know there is no such thing as perfection. This does not change how it feels.
   Compliments seem like lies to me; I used to be so trusting now it seems I can find no one to trust. I love nothing better than to give, it is the way I am and it makes me feel happy. I used to love Christmas and could not wait until my children opened what I got for them. Seeing happiness in their eyes was brilliant for me.
   The person I live with does not want this from me at all. I wanted to buy him a ring he lied to me said it was okay. I knew he was lying but said nothing. He gave me the silent treatment for two weeks; I asked him if he was okay he would say yes. Then more silence. Finally he said he wanted to speak to me when we got home. He said he would rather I didn’t give one to him he would not be comfortable wearing my ring. This was after I told him what it meant to me saying it was an outward reminder that he had someone who loved him and wanted to be with him. So in rejecting this he rejects it all. Yet he says he loves me. To be blunt there is no more passion in his touch than cold mashed potatoes. What am I supposed to do? Cheat on him, leave him. Where can I go? I would love to go and hide somewhere so no one can hurt me anymore, somewhere where there is nothing, nothing at all.
   I could ask him to leave but then things would be horrible for months on end, as there is a housing shortage where I live. So he stays. For how long I don’t know. Some would say I am a coward, and have no right to feel the way I do. Maybe I am destined to be this way always. I have been married twice before and left those relationships, so why now is it so very difficult? There are many other times when his insensitivity has left my heart broken and in shreds. I don’t understand why now I am staying so long. We have now been together for three years and I feel utterly lifeless, and joyless. I can’t remember the last time I laughed. Sorry this is so long. Perhaps you will have some sensible suggestions?

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