Every now again, when she has problems, she does not want to be around people, including me…

by Rod Smith

“I have been going out with ‘Jill’ for several years. We do not live together. Every now again, when she has problems, she does not want to be around people, including me. I find this very difficult. I don’t think she understands how to love or be loved. I have tried to get her to understand that I want to help her but she will not listen. She says she wants to be left alone to go where nobody can find her.”

Jack, avoid interpreting Jill’s desire to be alone, or escape, to be about her capacity to give or receive love. These desires, however triggered, most certainly pre-date your relationship. Love Jill enough to grant her the fulfillment of her desires that you have difficulty understanding.

Love – by letting alone. You, Jack, love by being present, and through absence. Both can be acts of love. Some people simply need (no, I am going to say ALL healthy people) or desire some alone time. It allows for the natural stresses accompanying even the most loving of relationships to dissipate.

And, when she goes away to be alone, resist your powerful, understandable urge to go looking for her. Trust Jill, Jack, to get what she needs. This is a very important component of your love for Jill.

5 Comments to “Every now again, when she has problems, she does not want to be around people, including me…”

  1. Great advice. Give her space and the gap that you feel will begin to close.

  2. Thank you Rod! I love reading your insights and revelations! You are doing wonderful service! Please keep it up.

  3. Great advice, Rod. I am that type of person too, the kind who needs to be alone to figure things out. Early on, my husband (to-be) would get upset with me and suggest that there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want his hugs, attention, solutions, suggestions or ‘help’ when faced with difficult situations or problems. He gets it now (20 yrs later) but it is still really hard for him to leave me alone.

  4. Awesome response and so true. People need down time every now and then. So just remember that it’s not about “you”. I wish my toxic husband would learn this lesson.

  5. My response to a Jill-Type maneuver might all depend on the duration and frequency of “Every now & again …” when Jill claims to be dealing with her ‘problems’ all by her lonesome! Don’t believe that trail of nonsense! No man (or woman) is an island. You’re finding it difficult to understand the real message here: She’s telling you to keister your help; she’s turned toward others for compassion, support, (and the other perquisites that go with it)! She wants to be left alone BY YOU and to go where YOU cannot find her.

    Love, as most people know it, means communicating and entrusting your partner with that which is within, finding comfort and support in each other, sharing and coping with the ups and down’s in life, togetherness especially during difficult times …..

    That’s right, Jack! “Love – by letting alone”. In other words, “Learn to love yourself” by resisting the urge to sneak up and surprise her! Remember, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” On the other hand, always go with your “gut feeling” that she’s up to (down to?) no good! As for trusting Jill “to get what she needs”, you can count on it, cowboy! She WILL get what she needs. But she’d rather not get it from you! Knowumsayin?

    Listen, Friend: Give her space! PLENTY OF SPACE! She’s not worthy of your love – or maybe just not your kind of Love. Or you could always resort to the immasculine, limp-wristed, “Welcome home, Honey. Don’t bother douching. I love you just the way you are even though you smell like a drunken trucker”.

    Just my two cent worth. Take it or leave it. Good luck either way! 😉

    (Edited of a few disrespectful terms for women by Rod)

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