June 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
All relationships require a developed sense of timing, of knowing when it is the appropriate time to talk about important matters, when to play or when to consider change. People get into hot water with each other because they fail to time their requests, fail to anticipate what the other is thinking and feeling, before they present their agenda.
Timing is as much an issue with married couples as it is with bosses/employees, teachers/students, and children/parents. To choose the right time to engage in conflict, to bring up a sensitive issue, to ask a tough question, is not an act of manipulation, but the attempt to display wisdom.
It is probably not a good time to discuss important matters when the other person is: 1. Rushed or preoccupied with other important matters. 2. Anxious about matters unrelated to you. 3. Has just received unwelcome news. 4. Is feeling pushed or cornered. 5. Is feeling used or unappreciated.
Under these conditions it is better to back off rather than forge ahead with your agenda whether it is your wife and you want to talk about buying a new car, or if it is your boss and you want to discuss higher compensation.
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Family |
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June 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: I refer to your various columns on emotional abuse and controlling behaviors. How does one stand up to a partner who is the darling of the outside world but at home is a controlling, emotional abuser? Is this person suffering from low self-esteem or something worse? Can it be “cured” with therapy or is it a lost case and should one walk away from such person?
A: Having seen persons considered the worst of offenders of all manner of aberrant behavior grow to live manageable, decent lives, I do not like to consider anyone a “lost cause.”
But, I’d suggest that the abuser is unlikely to be helped, or find peace, while remaining within the relationship where the abuse has occurred. In other words, the abused spouse will probably not be the source of salvation (change, growth) for the abusive person, except that he or she will assist by calling the abusive cycle to a halt through exposure or intervention.
Abusive people are often the “darling of the outside world” while being very difficult to live with. Not all abusive marriages have to end, but outside help must intervene, to break the cycle, if some change is to occur.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Sexual abuse, Victims |
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June 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My son lives in another country and is married to a lovely woman. They are perfectly matched. His wife’s mother started to be very unkind to me (her daughter’s mother-in-law). I can’t even tell you what she did because it was so snide and insidious. I believe her behavior has to come from jealousy. Since she is the mother-in-law of our precious son I have to make it work. Do you have any pointers for me when we visit them for four days in the near future?
A: I’d suggest you laugh a lot and enjoy the people and places while you are overseas. Do not let the small-mindedness of others ruin your vacation.
You are not required to be friends with your son’s in-laws simply because you are related through marriage – but it would be nice, and so I’d not take her jealousy too seriously.
I’d suggest you adopt four attitudes:
1. What others think of me is none of my business.
2. Your jealousy is about you and it is not about me.
3. You’re the one with the jealous feelings, and therefore you are the one with the issue.
4. I will not give you permission to ruin my day by anything you do or say.
Posted in Communication, Long distance relationships |
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June 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: I had a miserable childhood and an even more a miserable life. I never get along with my family I am what you call a black sheep. I am now married and have one child. My marriage is on the rocks. My child and career are draining every bit of energy from me. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. My husband has a gambling problem! My credit cards are maxed out and I am trying to pay all the bills. I have no time for myself and even if I tried it still is not enough. I am losing my mind?
A: You have a very good mind and are apparently a high-functioning person: you work, can write a good letter, care for a child while under duress, and so there is always hope.
Redirecting these very skills, I believe you can find the help you need to gain some semblance of control over your destiny. Find a credit counselor at a church or place of worship; join a small group of healthy people who are working on their own lives. Make some legal plans so you are not victim of your husband’s bad habits. Things might start to change when you begin to move beyond victim thinking.
Posted in Anxiety, Love, Victims, Voice |
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June 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I met my ‘Prince Charming’ through an acquaintance. We hit it off from the beginning, but without any emotional fireworks. We shared a passion for ballroom dancing, and found we had much else in common: a love of the outdoors, music, humor; we are both financially independent, and we are both divorced with grown-up children. I thought it strange that he had no close friends and did not socialize beyond a very small circle, and that he showed no interest in introducing me to any of his family members, other than his married daughter. This should have been the first alarm bell to ring.
”Gradually he became more controlling, but in very subtle ways. He monitored what I ate and drank. He criticized my dancing when it wasn’t up to his standard. I had to live up to all his expectations all the time. He criticized my political opinions. Slowly but surely, he began to criticize all my opinions. There were violent outbursts of temper if I stood up to him in any way. Yet through all this, he remained the caring, thoughtful man I had grown to love, particularly when we were in the company of others, and I was so flattered that he was interested in me.” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
Posted in Anger, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation |
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June 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Since I make it almost essential (occasionally I agree it is inappropriate) for both parents to attend appointments with me (even if the parent are divorced) when the topic is a child, I was faced once again with divorced parents of a young girl. Dad was upset. The daughter, they reported, no longer wants to visit him every second weekend. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her friends. Dad’s house is “boring.” All the moving unsettles her.
I suggest the parents consider switching houses every second weekend leaving their child permanently in one home. This way mom and dad would see the daughter as frequently, the child would remain near her friends, and her need to travel back and forth would be eradicated. An added bonus, which is obvious to me, involves the parents getting to know what it is like to live in two places and have to pack up and move every second weekend.
My clients were at first confused, and then furious that I would consider suggesting such disruption to their lives! Of course they had spent very little time considering how much children are “punished” and how significantly children’s lives are disrupted by visiting schedules that appear to be designed solely around the needs of the adults.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Communication, Divorce, Marriage, Single parenting, Victims, Voice |
3 Comments »
June 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My girlfriend wants to know all the sexual details about my past relationships. She seems to think this will make us closer. I don’t want to tell her anything but she gets all withdrawn when I won’t and she says I am protecting other women and hurting her. Please tell me what you think I should do.
A: Don’t give Ms. Jealous what she says she wants. Details of your former relationships are none of her business. Allowing her to peer into those relationships will most certainly will not bring you closer to each other. Since her desire to know such details probably comes from long-felt insecurities, it is more likely the stories of your past will fuel even greater degrees of jealousy and insecurity. Consequently, such talks are more likely to drive you apart than bring you closer. Besides, that you are no longer with a person does not mean it is legitimate to dishonor the privacy you once shared.
Posted in Manipulation, Past relationships, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Triggers, Trust |
6 Comments »
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