Have-you-eaten were mother’s final words to me. Mother gasped this well-worn phrase, one used hundreds and if not thousands of times, through the paraphernalia of masks and tubes before dying alone on the fifth floor of Addington Hospital.

During the 18 months prior to her death mom had had a breast removed, endless bouts of chemotherapy and visited every faith healer in the greater region. But, the cancer had spread, and coronary disease and lung failure were the scribed causes of death.

I was at home and asleep when mom died.

A nurse phoned and woke me with the news at twenty minutes past two in the morning on May 15th, 1980.

I was furious having repeatedly asked to be called if Mother’s condition deteriorated. The thought of Mother dying alone was very disturbing to me.  Dad gasped when I phoned with the news and after the brief call I headed towards the hospital on my motorcycle and strided through the quietness of the hospital to the ward and was surprised to find everything functioning as usual and mom’s bed vacant. Every trace of Mother was gone and new folded sheets and a pin-stripe blanket waited for whomever was next.  

I snooped my way to the hospital bowels in search of the in-house mortuary but a combination of fear of the nether world, of still, vacant-stare corpses, the possibility of meeting a masked, gloved worker readying Mother for some macabre final test propelled me to street level and and I roared towards the southern freeway to sleep the rest of night at Jenny, my sister’s house. My twelve-year-old nephew and I slept on the living room carpet and he rambled, trying to bring me comfort, although he too had just lost his beloved grandmother.

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

  We Will Be Men, My Sons

(With acknowledgement to Rudyard Kipling)

When we can negotiate without compromising our integrity, stand on our own two feet without pushing others over and love without controlling

….. we will be men, my sons.

When we understand and accept our uniquenesses, our resilience, giftedness, our frailties and failings, and within that understanding, and do no harm

….. we will be men, my sons.

When we can forgive all others, deserved, undeserved, requested or not, and freely offer mercy and grace even to those who have rejected us, deserved or not

….. we will be men, my sons.

When we can welcome strangers with radical hospitality, and yet foster independence, and be generous with all we own, while treasuring our valued possessions

….. we will be men, my sons.

When we empower others, desire their highest good especially when they can do nothing for us in return

….. we will be men, my sons,

………………..we will be men.

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Rod

On a trip within Jamaica the heat got to me and so I searched for a good cup of tea. 

I ventured off a busy street into a tea-room, which was a very crowded supply store with one table and chair hidden among unopened boxes stacked ceiling-high and placed my order. 

I got more than I bargained for, much more. 

With the little steel tea-pot and good china placed before me, I thought of my parents’ home

Then, lifting the lid of the little milk jug to see why it poured so slowly, I discovered it was sweetened condensed milk. Having not had sweetened condensed milk, with tea, for many years, in fact, not since I was a child, I was ecstatic. 

Sipping tea in Jamaica I could taste and feel my parent’s home. 

With the warm cup in both hands I was transported to my childhood bed, my back propped against the wooden headboard. My head flooded with minute details, and, as I smelled and tasted the tea I was once again a child. 

For brief moments I was not an adult exploring the beautiful Jamaica but a child home from school, sipping tea in the privacy of his South African boyhood bedroom.

Dear Roomful Teenage Girls and Young Adult Women:

There’s much I’d like to say. I know people hear and learn according to readiness for both. Sometimes learning requires pain, even desperation. It always requires humility. It won’t surprise me if you think I have nothing to teach you. Either way, here goes:

You don’t NEED a man. If you WANT one, and don’t NEED one, you will be amazed at the different quality of men you will meet. Desperation emits messages unhealthy men find very attractive.

This doesn’t, of course, mean that I think you should not date or pursue marriage. I want you to know you are ENOUGH already, you don’t need a man to help you be something that you cannot already be on your own. Reject the term “other half” or “better half” – it’s nonsense. You are not a “half” waiting for some man to be made whole!

When the time is right, seek a MUTUAL and EQUAL and RESPECTFUL relationship. It will challenge, sharpen, and, yes, “improve” you. It’s got to be all three from the outset. You can’t easily import them into a relationship once it has started.

Don’t chase anyone for anything. Chase only a fine education.

May we seek and desire love, in other words, the Highest Good both for ourselves and for others, intimates and strangers alike. 

Consequently, desire power over no one but over yourself which, even then, will be surprisingly limited. Remind yourself that you are more than meets the eye and are powerfully shaped by generations of enriching and detracting pressures which exert degrees of power over you and which is probably enough to deal with without trying to manage another.

When you perceive others conferring power upon you, as kindly as possible, draw attention to it and suggest their “gift” is misplaced. While flattering, it’s unlikely to be helpful in the long term to anyone. 

When you perceive yourself to be conferring power upon another, even an intimate or trusted friend, be on alert. Assess what it is you are seeking from this inordinate connection or avoiding within yourself such conferring is necessary. As comfortable as it may seem it’s unlikely to be helpful in the long term to anyone. 

May we allow the words of Rev. Msimangu in Alan Paton’s “Cry, the Beloved Country” to be an encouragement: 

“But there is only one thing that has power completely, and that is love. Because when a man loves, he seeks no power, and therefore he has power.”

You may have noticed there are about 7 layers beneath the situations – the problems, anti-social behaviors, joys, conflicts, kindnesses, dilemmas, addictions, attractions, and much more – churning within you and within the people with whom you live and those whom you meet everyday.

A less-complex linear world may be convenient but human dynamics escape mere “cause and effect.”

We are much more (thankfully) than billiard balls bumping into each other.

“Johnny doesn’t want to go to school” followed by “What’s ‘wrong’ with Johnny?” or “What’s ‘wrong’ with the teacher or school?” is linear thinking.

Johnny may want to stay home from school to protect mom from dad or dad from mom and not even know it. Johnny may prefer home to school because he recognizes rejection from children of a different socio-economic group than he enjoys or endures. Johnny may well be unaware of the reasons for the anxiety he feels when leaving for school and, if family members who had similar feelings about schooling generations before he was conceived, were honest, Johnny may realize he’s from a long line of school-resistent family members.

Yes, your behavior is at least as complex as my fictional Johnny’s behavior.

Appreciating the multiple levels underlying complex human behaviors takes empathy, patience and kindness.

For an observer lacking empathy we are all not much more than the results of mere cause and effect, billiard balls knocking into each other.