Archive for ‘Long distance relationships’

  |   Newer Entries »
July 7, 2006

To improve your most intimate relationship, talk about the following:

by Rod Smith

Give each other several days of notice before you sit down and answer these questions about your relationship.

Make brief notes before you talk. Agree to be completely silent while listening to each person respond to each question.

“Volatile” couples might choose to talk in a crowded restaurant where they are less likely to erupt!

Do not skip questions. Of course, couples without children will ignore the final question:

1. What have you been trying to tell me that I have not been hearing?

2. What am I already doing that you would you like me to do a lot more?

3. What am I doing that you would you like me to do a lot less (or never)?

4. What is important to you, that you might resist telling me, to avoid hurting my feelings? (What have I “trained” you not to talk about?)

5. What can I do to help you use more of your talents and be more fulfilled in life?

6. Is our intimate life (our sex life) all you want it to be?

7. What can I do to improve the quality of our intimate life?

8. In what ways do you think we might hold each other back (keep each other “down”)?

9. How can I be more responsible to you (not responsible “for” you) and responsive to you?

10. How do you think I could be a better parent?

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Therapeutic Process | 2 Comments »

June 29, 2006

Long distance romance keeps me at the phone……

by Rod Smith

Q: Regarding long-distance relationships a reader writes: “Does sitting by the phone, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?”

A: Your behavior does not necessarily suggest you are “dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship.” Good friends frequently wait by the phone when they expect a call from someone they love. Wanting information and connection is a deeply human quality and ought not be interpreted in a negative light.

But, continuing to be glued to the phone “to be immobilized” just in case he calls, even when it is not scheduled call, while other tasks, other friendships, other responsibilities are neglected, certainly puts you on the way toward an unhealthy connection.

Does he know you are waiting? If he does, and then still does not call, his behavior is cruel and ought not be tolerated. If a person knows you are waiting, and does not call within reasonable time, I’d suggest you are working harder at the relationship than your counter-part. This, in itself, is a big red flag.

Long-distant relationships are very difficult. Distance (like darkness and disease) amplifies. Issues usually seem more drastic, extreme, urgent, the further apart people are.

Posted in Communication, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation | Leave a Comment »

June 8, 2006

Dueling mothers-in-law: she is jealous…

by Rod Smith

Q: My son lives in another country and is married to a lovely woman. They are perfectly matched. His wife’s mother started to be very unkind to me (her daughter’s mother-in-law). I can’t even tell you what she did because it was so snide and insidious. I believe her behavior has to come from jealousy. Since she is the mother-in-law of our precious son I have to make it work. Do you have any pointers for me when we visit them for four days in the near future?

A: I’d suggest you laugh a lot and enjoy the people and places while you are overseas. Do not let the small-mindedness of others ruin your vacation.

You are not required to be friends with your son’s in-laws simply because you are related through marriage – but it would be nice, and so I’d not take her jealousy too seriously.

I’d suggest you adopt four attitudes:

1. What others think of me is none of my business.

2. Your jealousy is about you and it is not about me.

3. You’re the one with the jealous feelings, and therefore you are the one with the issue.

4. I will not give you permission to ruin my day by anything you do or say.

Posted in Communication, Long distance relationships | Leave a Comment »

May 7, 2006

What can I do to make be someone who doesn’t seem to notice me become attracted to me?

by Rod Smith

You might become more seductive, pretend you are wealthier or more educated than you are, change you hair, nose, breasts, accent, interests and lose weight – but none of it will work in helpful ways. Trying to be something you are not, is most unattractive, and nothing you re-create of yourself will be real, convincing, enduring, or – ironically – attractive.

The energy you spend will exhaust you and distort the natural beauty afforded all people. Who you are cannot be successfully hidden for long and hiding behind some fabrication is deceitful and unkind.

If it were possible to do something to make a person become attracted to you, your efforts would have to be more than doubled to maintain that person’s interests.

If you want to increase the possibility of being noticed by healthy people (the unhealthy, who are worth avoiding, are willingly fooled by pretense) master appropriate social skills, personal hygiene; dress well, work hard, be honest, read widely; avoid gossiping and gossips; pursue your faith, loves, skills and interests. Apart from these things, do nothing. Remember: if you think of yourself as bait you might just get eaten!

Posted in Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Long distance relationships, Sex matters, Space, Victims, Voice | Leave a Comment »

March 11, 2006

How do I survive a long distance relationship?

by Rod Smith

Distance intensifies, and idealizes “love” sometimes to the point that it is easier to love an absent lover than it is to love someone real and present. Few people are as wonderful as our imagination, coupled with distance, can create them to be. (Which is one of many reasons pornography is so damaging and the reason why an Internet relationship is not a relationship in the “real” world.)

1. Don’t call each other or email every day. Rather agree to something more random like three times a week or when it is possible. This sets each person free from feeling tied to the phone waiting for it to ring or the Email to arrive. Such “free” scheduling also allows for persons to avoid some of the letdown of waiting in vain.

2. Don’t put your life “here” on hold because he or she is “there.” Long-distance relationships can rob you of the present, while you long for someone a long distance away. This is not fair to dear and near family and friends.

3. Don’t marry a person with whom you have had ONLY a long distance relationship no matter how “close” or “bonded” the “contact” makes you feel.

Posted in Long distance relationships | 23 Comments »

  |   Newer Entries »