Until then, if you so choose, I’ll listen as you tell me as much or as little as you want about your losses.
It makes no difference to me how much time has passed since your loss, your let-down, your crises. I know time passed makes little or no difference to your enduring pain even if you’re able at times to mask it.
So, bring it on.
I’m listening. I’m reading.
I will be as present for you as is humanly possible. I’ll listen to every word you say and listen for those you don’t say. I’ll read every sentence you’ve written and ask you to say more if there’s any hint of necessity to read between the lines. I’ll study what you present as though I’m preparing for an examination.
When we talk or as you write please note I’d welcome a thorough tour of the love you enjoyed, the way it was when it
was at its very best. If it’s a spouse, friend, job at the crux of the loss you’ve endured, please, tell me too, about the good times. This will allow me to more fully appreciate what you’ve suffered.
I know it’s tough to read (and it’s not easy to write, either) but if you lost a baby, a child (at any age), I want you to know I think I’m brave enough to hear you out.
If it scares me, I’ll tell you. If it scares you, let me know, and we can leave it be, or…..whatever you decide.
The invitation stands.
WhatsApp, email, FaceTime…..if we’re in the same area, we can meet face-to-face, once, twice or more.
“There are two sides to every story” is a common belief.
I am of the opinion that things are usually more layered. It is probably more like 7 or 9 sides to every story.
Motivation – the “inside story” – is similar.
What drives me – or holds me back, demands I succeed, or prefers I don’t – is usually more than one or two identifiable factors. People have mixed, often confusing motivations. Hidden, often unknown internal compelling swells drive people to surf historic and aspirational waves.
Getting to the bottom of motive can be like any journey, beautiful, pleasing, satisfying, sometimes uncomfortably revealing.
Time spent with a wildly successful person who donates to great causes and is appropriately honored for doing so led him to inform that very few people know how angry he really is at extended family who unashamedly live off him.
“I have to,” he said, “I have to support them. My wife knows it makes me angry. Everything is for my (deceased) parents.”
Motives are cloaked, mixed bags, driving from deep within, often yielding incredibly beautiful results.
I have had the privilege of visiting South Africa many times since my January 1990 move to the USA. I have gone most to KwaZulu Natal, where I have family, and, in more recent years, to the Western Cape.
I drive a lot.
It is as if I am looking for something, searching for an item left behind, that I am sure, with enough exploring, I will ultimately find.
Alas, I do know it takes more than renting a car and hours on familiar and unfamiliar roads to journey into the heart of my search.
I have never questioned my move and nor did I ever believe Lady Liberty’s grass was greener.
On rare occasions I listen to South Africans who have made the move and some recurring observations make me smile.
Others, not.
“I miss ‘my’ maid, she was part of the family,” regretting having to pump your own petrol, wash your own clothes, manage your own kitchen are observations that drive me crazy.
Moments of absolute fulfillment, perhaps marking the end of my search, flood me on encountering the sheer goodness, love, acceptance in the nation of my birth, coming from a people who could legitimately regard me with contempt.
Let the people whom you love know it. This means directly telling them in as many creative ways as you are able to devise, but especially, if possible, with words and words that are said out loud and face-to-face. Leave glaring evidence of your love so there is no mistaking it even if it has already been your habit for years.
Cards, letters, cash – let it flow.
Wherever you live, enjoy it, no, more than that, celebrate it. Be aware that wherever you live, there are people – perhaps billions of people – spread across the world who think the grass is greener exactly where you live. They aspire to be where you already are. Make things more beautiful than they already are by adding your joy to the beauty.
Water your proverbial greener grass with joy.
You, yes you, have the power to make someone’s day. I know you do because if it is true for me then it is also true for you. We all possess the power of expressing thanks, of noticing talent and acknowledging it, of recognizing beauty and love and owning up to how it has enriched our lives. The fabulous thing about going out of your way to make someone’s day is that it will inevitably make yours, too.
The kickbacks are terrific.
———— United brought me home — not a single guitar was ruined on the journey……! (Obscure joke indeed…… if you get it let me know). Next stop, Bujumbura…..
Considering others, delivering acts of kindness, will likely be of much benefit to people on the receiving end.
But, as a direct result of acts of consideration and kindness, possibilities for more such acts will kick into gear.
How could I use my power, as limited as it may be, to open opportunities for people?
I’m in no particular hurry and so I can move to the end of the line, or at least suggest those who are rushed for time go ahead of me.
I have more than I ever need or use so I will find creative ways to share and spread the favor that’s been mine.
This kind of thinking is good for our minds, hearts, wills, souls, spirits, as elusive as these “places” are that work together within us and define and shape who we are.
Looking for ways to consider others puts our selfishness and entitlement (at least temporarily) on hold while such thinking engages self awareness and service.
It’s healthy thinking.
It’s win-win thinking that even while we are thinking the thinking it realigns our attitudes and restores hope.
Considering others broadens, sharpens personal vision, does its part in renewing the mind. This can only have positive results, except for committed cynics, of whom, sadly, there are many.
May your heart be jam-packed with great expectations and sufficiently resilient to embrace those unfamiliar with indiscriminate human warmth.
Love is tough for those for whom it is foreign.
May you experience the goodness of which you are capable and possess the courage to allow its full way with you.
Take yourself by surprise.
May you have childlike eyes and be filled with joy and wonder as you see the familiar in new and childlike ways.
May your curiosity be contagious.
May your thoughts dwell on the goodness around you and your focus on designing your fulfilling and adventurous future.
May your enthusiasm impart strength to others.
May your words be soft, sweet, encouraging, while you remain unafraid to speak your mind with conviction.
May your words comfort and provoke all who hear you.
May your hands bring comfort, kindness, relief to those, who, for reasons of historic political atrocities or recent political divides, may least expect it from you.
May your love continually and persistently obliterate stereotypes and prejudices.
May your most treasured friendships deepen, your broken friendships find healing, and all malice, contempt and indifference from you, and for you, cease.
May you embrace and love your friends, former friends, enemies and detractors.
Captured with permission – a t-shirt in Curitiba, Brazil
Definitions vary, but people usually want to be emotionally healthy, or moving in that direction.
How about some tangible goals displaying emotional wellness?
The emotionally well person is a self-starter who is inner-driven and internally-steered. She uses pre-established principles and boundaries to make decisions and is not usually externally steered by family, friends or fads.
The healthy person is no blind follower and nor is he “flying by the seat of his pants.” Even at his most spontaneous, he is living his pre-established principles and goals.
She loves her family but acts as a separate person when necessary and, when necessary, she is able to make unpopular decisions.
He sometimes chooses to spend time alone, time to think, plan, read, write and pray.
He is quick to forgive almost everything but learns to modify or manage trust. He understands that forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting although there are times and circumstances when it does.
Emotionally well people are able to “hold onto themselves” under pressure and do not lash out or blame others when things go awry.
Emotionally well people are comfortable with their status in life and thus able to impart calmness and comfort to those who appear to be on a constant treadmill in pursuit of wealth, success, or recognition.
“Living from within” can appear as arrogance to those who are tossed and turned by trends and fashions.
In a world of chaos and discord may you and I be part of the solution and not part of the problem. May we not fuel fruitless discussions but rather attempt to be agents of calm and sound reason.
In a world of selfishness and greed may you and I find it in ourselves to be self-aware and generous. May we assist when possible and necessary but may our help be carefully considered so that it is authentic, helpful and empowering help.
In a world of indifference and frequent contempt may you and I be engaged with others and accepting of others. May we learn the art of seeing, validating, and hearing people and loving those whom we may have formerly regarded with indifference had we noticed them at all.
In a world where many people are demanding and entitled, may you and I learn when to give way, to accommodate, to compromise, to yield, and when to stand firm. May we learn the art of repeated healthy responses to unhealthy expectations.
In a world of sarcasm, hurt and rejection may you and I represent hope. May we be people of healing and listening and grace. May you and I learn how to be safe people in an unsafe world.
“Dad, are we normal?” my son asked, bending from his perch on my shoulders, trying to look into my face.
“Why do you ask?” I said, looking up at him while holding his ankles in one hand and feeling his weight swirl to one side.
We did these “walks” around the block almost daily. We’d start out, his five year old body striding out ahead of me, beckoning me to hurry, usually toward the steel climbing equipment on the public school play area. I knew that if the walk was in the evening light was dimming and the alleys between the houses were throwing darker and changing shadows my son would plead tiredness, beg to ride on my shoulders.
I braced for big questions.
Was his question going about the deeper things in life? I wondered in these brief moments if he’d noticed some of the economic disparities that surrounded him. Race? I thought perhaps he’d been exposed to something at school and seen how unusual bi-racial families were in our part of the world. Perhaps he wanted to explore the intricacies of adoption or solo-parenting.
“We have a truck, dad. Everyone has cars. Everyone’s gate works. Ours doesn’t,” he said.
Days of riding on my shoulders are long past…… but the joy has not.
Within each person is a holy place called The Self. It is here, in the deepest recesses of who each of us is, that the human spirit, soul, and intellect meld, forming the powerhouse for who each of us is. And, the subtle art of self-care (“subtle” because there is a delicate difference between being self-caring, selfish, and self-serving) is fundamental to good mental, emotional, and relational health.
Appropriate self-care is neither selfish nor self-indulgent. It is not self-centered-ness. It is not self-serving. It is self-awareness. It’s self-monitoring, with the firm understanding that each person is responsible for the condition of his or her self. Each of us is responsible for how we relate to all others (to neither dominate or be dominated). Each of us is responsible, when it comes to all other adults, for maintaining relationships that exemplify mutuality, respect, and equality.
Part of self-care is the enduring understanding that each person has a voice to be respected, a role to be fulfilled, and callings to be pursued. Every person (every Self) requires room to grow, space apart from others, while at the same time requiring meaningful intimacy and connection with others. The healthy Self is simultaneously connected and separate, underscoring again the subtlety required in the art of self-care.
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