Recognition: The heart of the matter

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Being human is complex business. It’s the petty jealousies, I’ve noticed, are often the heart of the gravest discord. A venture fails, a woman cuts off from her family, a teacher walks out of a school never to return; a business office is plagued with inter-personal struggles. Examine it. Get to the heart of the matter. I bet you it started with someone being overlooked.

Another got the praise. A name was omitted. Thanks went to the “wrong” people. The office with a view – the larger company car, the newest computer, the high-back desk chair – went to a more junior employee. It’s these matters, not graver concerns that are usually at the heart of discontent.

I am sure the White House and other centers of power are similarly contaminated with petty jealousies. The “I’ve-known-the-president-longer-than-you” kind of talk probably occurs as frequently in those hallowed halls as parallel themes surface (or fail to surface) in your boardroom, staff room, or at your breakfast table.

To desire recognition is human. To ruin relationships when it is not forthcoming is a sad commentary on one of the many complexities that come with the package of being human.

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Posted on May 19, 2009 at 8:45 am in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

One Comment to “Recognition: The heart of the matter”

1. 
   Kindness
   June 2, 2009 at 6:46 pm

   I tend to sabotage my relationships and now I may lose the love of my life. I get easily insecure and throw little tantrums. Therapy has helped me with trust issues and becoming the person I want to be – the person I really am inside my heart. Things have gotten better. But once in a while I still overreact. In this case, I demanded to talk even though it was 1:00 am and my love wanted to sleep.

   My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 18 months. He even moved in with me on his own call about six months ago. This was astonishing because he is 47 and has never lived with any woman before. He has never been married. In part, he says, it is because of serious health issues that kept him from getting close to someone. He is a cancer survivor and had open heart surgery 5 years ago. He doesn’t live as healthy as he should but I have a positive influence on his eating and exercise habits. I am all about kindness and tolerance, and he loves me for that. But once in a great while, I can also get emotional and needy.

   We both love each other – there is no doubt about that. But when I have my insecure moment in these rare occasions, he will immediately reply with an “end-relationship” response. All was going really well; living together made us content; he is supportive, loyal, kind – I am respectful, positive and inspiring. Then last weekend I had an emotional moment and felt needy. This was on the very day he had a sailing race. Sailing happens to be his above all love. I could have joined him, in fact, he called after the race again and ask that I come out. But I declined, began to sulk instead, and after 2 glasses of wine and self pity, I felt abandoned and sad. When he came home later that evening, I was furious to hear that he had been sailing after the race again with his buddies and a woman I don’t like. Not that this woman is a threat but the fact that she was there and I wasn’t just upset me. And so I started arguing and eventually my boyfriend said: I already told you that I have no interest in that woman and I am tired – let’s please go to sleep and talk tomorrow. But I couldn’t let it go and continued – so he left and I was even more upset after that. The next day I wrote a not very nice e-mail to him – basically telling him we are done. I didn’t hear from him that day and he didn’t come home either. I apologized to him the next day, but he was angry and told me he was moving out. All this – because I over reacted.

   Today, I apologized for my behavior and I told him I love him. He said he loves me too, but that he had his doubts about our relationship. I then told him this incident was no reason to let everything we have going for us go. He agreed to think about it while we give each other some space. He will leave for another sailing race tomorrow, and we won’t see each other til next weekend. But tonight we will meet for a peace dinner. I will take your advice and smile, be happy and sorry for the commotion I caused.

   What if two people love each other but somehow can not make it? May be he is not the man who can deal with my emotional moments. May be I am not the woman who can give him the unconditional love and peace. Should I let it all go? Even though I love this man so much, and he seems to love me?

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