“How can you make someone love you or stay in love? My wife just turned 40 (she looks 30) and I think she thinks she old and I think she has needs for attention. She thinks if she doesn’t get out of our marriage now, she will be too old to attract anyone else.  Any input?”

I’d suggest the harder you try to make someone love you, the more of a controlling person you will become. Because love is a choice there is therefore nothing you can do to force love either into, or out of, someone.

As is often true, your marriage is facing deeper issues than your wife’s need for attention, or her (inevitable) aging!

Things might significantly improve in your marriage if you focused your anxiety elsewhere other than on your apparently high-maintenance wife.

I think you’d be amazed at how much people can grow and be transformed when left to do it.

“I read today’s column (Monday 5th: ‘Family misreads kindness for weakness’) and cheered for the woman who wrote it. Perhaps she should invest in a copy of ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud and Townsend. She has made the first step and said no, but people don’t always take no for an answer. They may use guilt and manipulation to challenge her stand. She will need to constantly remind and reassure herself that she has done, and is doing the right thing. I lent my copy of ‘Boundaries’ to my sister and she keeps it next to her bed. She consults it regularly to remind herself that when she says no, it is her right to do so.”

You are correct. Also, when a person has been unsure of his or her boundaries it is common to be filled with self-doubt once appropriate boundaries are established. Healthy boundaries can feel wrong, selfish, or unkind. Remember, there is some “positive” return for having poor boundaries making a person feel needed, wanted, or important and so, when this “positive“ return ceases (as boundaries are established) the one who newly asserts his or her boundaries can feel abandoned, unwanted, or unimportant, and then even desire to recant on what really is a very necessary and healthy stand. Health demands unrelenting courage and it will always be tested and challenged.

Perhaps it is hardly significant by some standards, but reaching half-a-million hits for this website is significant for me….

My thanks to all who read http://www.DifficultRelationships.com

Rod Smith

“My husband, like many other men, considers Mothers Day to be a commercialized rip-off. He says that I am not his mother and will not acknowledge Mothers Day for me. I feel it would be nice to be acknowledged as the mother of his children . It would be nice if he set a good example to the children and helped them choose a card or very small gift so that they learn to show appreciation for what is done for the mom a daily basis. What I find very hurtful is that  the day before Mothers Day he asks me what I have bought for his mother for Mothers Day even though she is not MY mother. Every Fathers Day I buy him a small gift and a card from myself and the children and wish him because I think it is healthy for the children to learn to say thank you and show appreciation and also I would like to be the bigger person. We have had children for 16 years. Please comment.”

Mother Day may well be a commercialized rip-off. But, your husband could still MAKE something beautiful for you and, in so doing,  teach your children to resist predatory commercialism and express how he treasures the mother of his children! Happy Mothers Day!