Please give me your ideas on why women (yes it tends to be women) stay in very abusive relationships and struggle to leave what it so obviously toxic to anyone looking in? Please send your comments. I’d most like to hear from women who have found freedom after a long and tough relationship. Please post your response as a comment.
If you want a letter to not be on the web (or published in a paper) then send it to
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Hi Rod,
It’s been awhile since I’ve visited your website. I hope you are stilling taking comments to this question.
I was very intrigued by your question. I have asked that question of my mother before. As my siblings and I often wanted her to just leave or walk away from what we felt was an abusive marriage, for her and our well being. But she never would. Reasons ranging from religion, loyalty, failure, fear (so many different kinds of fear), comfort, stubbornness were given. “That just wasn’t done. You made your bed, now you lie in it.” My father died suddenly after 25 years and 2 months of marriage to my mother. Even so, she would never have left him. Back then, I don’t think it was thought to be an abusive relationship. If you know other people whose spouses commit infidelity, than it’s normal, right? Or other’s physical or verbal abuse or corporal punishment, it must be normal.
She has since remarried (11 years in October) and while she is happily married to a different kind of man than my father, she says not a day goes by that she still misses my father.
Being the oldest, I remember many happy years as well as many bad years. After I left, my siblings say it got worse. In the 17 years since his death, we siblings and my mom have had many discussions regarding our growing up years. The whys, what ifs, should of, could of changed. She says there were many things she would have done differently had she understood the impact on us. But regardless, she loved my father completely. She would have never left him. They knew each other and dated from high school, they came from the same cultures, (dutch immigrants, religion, beliefs, work ethic, family values, discipline) it was safe, comfortable, understandable, familiar. In some ways it was a team effort, them against the big bad world. A safe harbor. They had each other’s back.
My mother says that early on in the relationship, she realized that my dad would not be able to meet all her needs the way she thought it was supposed to be or how she wanted them met. So she turned to God and in essense asked God to meet her needs of a husband. And God did. She says that is the way to make a marriage work. (Or any relationship actually) She says that you can make any marriage work, even if it’s only one of you working on it, with God’s help.
This past weekend I was fortunate to attend the ‘Women of Faith’ conference in Fort Wayne with my mom and sister and several of my mom’s friends. 8+ women speakers and great music at a coliseum filled with 12,000 women. During the 2 day conference were opportunities for discussion with my sister, my mom and her friends (all late 50’s thru late 60’s). All very different women, various marriages, divorces, children, and life experiences. Some thoughts that came out were:
You can’t be successful in a marriage if you can’t be successfully single.
You are travelling in this life alone. It’s really all about you and your relationship with God. Spouses, kids, job, wealth, home is all fleeting and part of the journey.
Okay, I gotta go, I’ve gone on enough. Take care, Marcia
Dear Marcia:
Thanks for your thoughful and interesting response to the question. I received many replies via email – and not posted on the web – and I will publish parts of these letters in due time.
I hope you are all well – children especially.
Rod
difficultrelationships.com 