How do I survive a long distance relationship? |

How do I survive a long distance relationship?

by Rod Smith

Distance intensifies, and idealizes “love” sometimes to the point that it is easier to love an absent lover than it is to love someone real and present. Few people are as wonderful as our imagination, coupled with distance, can create them to be. (Which is one of many reasons pornography is so damaging and the reason why an Internet relationship is not a relationship in the “real” world.)

1. Don’t call each other or email every day. Rather agree to something more random like three times a week or when it is possible. This sets each person free from feeling tied to the phone waiting for it to ring or the Email to arrive. Such “free” scheduling also allows for persons to avoid some of the letdown of waiting in vain.

2. Don’t put your life “here” on hold because he or she is “there.” Long-distance relationships can rob you of the present, while you long for someone a long distance away. This is not fair to dear and near family and friends.

3. Don’t marry a person with whom you have had ONLY a long distance relationship no matter how “close” or “bonded” the “contact” makes you feel.

Posted on March 11, 2006 at 3:25 pm in Long distance relationships | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

23 Responses to “How do I survive a long distance relationship?”

Lesline Tau
April 10, 2006 at 4:06 pm

my question is ………why i use to call him but he did not call me…………

can you help me

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Alex
June 23, 2006 at 8:31 am

No offense, but I think you’re generalizing too much about relationships. It seems that you have forgotten that not everyone’s perception of what constitutes a good LD relationship is the same as yours. Shouldn’t they be in contact, if possible, every day? From the looks of it,”Don’t call each other or email every day”, you have some fear of committment.
Communication, in a real realtionship, is a paramount; the more the better. Don’t get me wrong, that does not not mean call at innoportune times because one you are insecure and wondering about the other person. What people who are in healthy relationships should remember is that every person is different, so to say not to call or e-mail every day, depends on the person you are in the realtionship with, their schedule, and what they desire. And because everyone is different, posting advice in that manner can be dangerous.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
June 23, 2006 at 9:26 pm

Alex: — Thanks for your comment. Don’t follow advice you consider “dangerous” — Rod

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Sara
June 26, 2006 at 5:21 pm

Does “sitting by the phone”, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
June 29, 2006 at 12:00 pm

Sara- I have answered your question in a post dated 6/29/06 – let me know when you have seen it. Rod

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Jason
June 30, 2006 at 10:15 pm

HOw will this work for long distance relationship when I was confused between 2 girls. one girl live in new jersey and I really love her and i mean she is truly amazing girl i ever met, its like my soul mate and she is hearing. another girl who live like 30 minutes away from me, she is hearing impaired and we have been dating for 2 years and we broken up. then i got new girl which she currently live in new jesey. so a girl who was hearing impaired. she is amazing too. i just don’t know what im doing. i just want to have someone to be right next to me.

Jason…..

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Jason
June 30, 2006 at 10:17 pm

Plus im hearing impaired too.

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Benjamin
September 25, 2006 at 6:03 pm

Just wanted to say that i can’t help but talk to my girlfriend everyday. i just can’t go a day withut talking to her. and i know she appreciates. if i can’t talk to her for sometimes she understands. i live in africa and my girlfirnd lives in taiwan and we can’t get together till we meet in england. and we’ve had each other for one year now and so far everything is woeking perfectly

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Bianca
September 25, 2006 at 6:45 pm

I am in a long distance relationship and it is going quite fine. Except the fact that there is a trust issue with the both of us. We are both very clingy. I really love him and if we do last I am going to marry this guy. He is wonderful, sweet, everything I ever wanted and I don’t plan to give it away, inspite of what everyone else says. We both think it can work and if we think we can make it then what does it matter what others think? Here’s my advice to couples seeking advice for long distance relationships, If it is really true love then you can make it through and don’t let nobody who is or isn’t in your situation tell you what to do about it. The decision is yours to make, you and your lover.

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Bianca
September 25, 2006 at 6:53 pm

Rod, it is very hard for me not to talk to my boyfriend everyday, if I go the least 3 days without speaking to him I’d go crazy. I have a need to talk to him. I love him more than anything in this world, he is my life and I honestly don’t know what my life would be like without him. I’m hoping and praying to God that he keeps us together because I really believe this is true love.

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Rachel
October 1, 2007 at 1:17 am

Here’s some helpful tips from a different article:
When communicating with your far-away favorite, you may shy away from filling the precious time with mundane details of your life, but think again. “You should keep in touch about all the little trivial things that happen during the day,” says Caroline Tiger, author of The Long Distance Relationship Guide. Talk, write or email about the weather, the great song you heard on the radio, or how your boss continues to find new and innovative ways to annoy you. Your partner won’t feel like he or she is missing out on anything in your life—and you’ll find it that much easier to pick up where you left off when it’s time to reunite. ”
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5762&menuid=8&lid=419

I have found that communicating daily, even if we only have time to say “Hi, I’ll write tomorrow, I love you” is helpful for surviving a long-distance relationship. Desperately waiting by the phone is not. So it may be better for people prone to clinginess to work out a routine of when they will call/ email/ IM so they will have practical expectations.
I have also discovered that it’s good to honestly discuss how you’re feeling with the separation, but in a constructive, not complaining, manner. It doesn’t benefit either person to keep it all inside and act like everything is fine, you’re strong enough to handle it on your own, etc. Building a relationship means feeling safe enough to honestly share your thoughts and emotions and struggles and weaknesses, and allowing the other person to support you.

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sweet
October 31, 2007 at 9:58 pm

I have a question! , please please please answer me!..I have the same situation as Lesline.. but mine is more complicated and confusing, he’s out of the country and he’s been away for 1 week, he said he need to work there and till this day he’s not calling me. He said he will come back this January and promise he will come back for me. I don’t know what is happening to him while he’s there. I don’t know how will I contact him. Will i still wait for him? and hope that he will call me? or should I let go of our relationship? he said he’s coming back this January. I don’t know what to do.. does this mean he don’t want me no more? Help

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
November 3, 2007 at 8:14 am

You sound, or seem to be, too desperate to be able to hear my answer. This man, and the promise of a relationship with him, has you in an irrational grip. Get some perspective on YOUR life so you can make some REASONABLE decisions about who and what he is to you.

Slow down. Relax. He is not the answer to your future. You are.

Thanks for writing.

Rod Smith

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Long Distance Relationship
November 19, 2007 at 7:32 am

Long Distance relationships are tough, very, very tough. That is the challenge that people face. If you stay in regular contact and try and see each other when you can I think it can work. it depends a lot on the individuals and how the relationship was like before the distance.

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jbsupport
January 20, 2008 at 7:17 pm

Hi Rod,
I completely disagree with your post. People aren’t in long distance relationships because they want to feel the intensity of love-sickness and because they idealize the “love” feeling they had with the person. Long distance relationships (LDR) are demanding and require a lot of work. Thus, in my belief, if people are going to get into a LDR it’s not a casual decision. I also don’t agree with your first point in regards to calling someone every day. I was in a long distance relationship for 18 months (I know live with the man who I was in the LDR with) and we spoke every day. It was great to get to know someone on an intellectual and emotional level without any added pressures. When you’re on the phone you are forced to communicate- and I know tons of couples that are in regular relationships that never communicate. In regards to point number 2, successful long distance relationships can only prosper when the people involved in them are dynamic. Thus by learning about new things independently and try new things in your spare time each person will have things to talk with the other person. In terms of number 3, I agree with you- I think LDR are great but you also need to move past that and live together which comes with its own pros and cons.

My blog can be found at http://www.guideforyourheart.com/
I welcome your comments!

TheWoman

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Long Distance Relationships
January 25, 2008 at 10:50 pm

Ive been in a relationship on line for over a year now. We took all the precautionary steps (talked for 6 months first via phone and web cam) before flying to see eachother. We fly every 6-8 weeks now. We have the fundements of an incredible marriage. Great conversation, communication, and respect for eachother which helps considerably. Unfortunatly we are on opposite sides of the country me in school him with a business, and are unable to relocate for about 1-2 years. Our only issue is trust. Even when we think we handle situations accordly there always seems to be room for capability to have made better decisions. It seems to consistanly “not good enough”. I know distance and frustration feeds this but its aggrivating. I think once we are together things will be more solid…..but any tips on making it that far?

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Anna
May 16, 2008 at 4:13 am

I think that in general to maintain a long distance is not difficult. As long as both partners are happy with the situation. But when they eventually decide to settle down together very often they break up too soon. They suddenly realize that they don’t know the person near them, after long years on a distance maybe she/he changed or even never been a person they consider him/her to be.

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RenDiva-Long Distance Relationship Guru
June 8, 2008 at 4:13 am

There is really only one thing you need to concern yourself with in a long distance relationship: be a constant reminder to him or her that you are the awesome person he or she fell in love with.

You can talk every day, you can still live your life as long as you make things totally EASY for your love. As soon as you start whining during every phone call or starting fights, you have lost your lover.

Why would he stick with angry little you when there are happy people right where he is who think he’s pretty cool?

Be awesome and your LDR will work out perfect!

Good luck,
Rendiva
Relationship Advice for Women

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Ben
October 22, 2008 at 4:24 am

Long Distance relationships are a true test to a couple’s commitment and personal limits. LDRs take a great amount of effort to maintain and often people involved in them, realize that they evolve into a state of emotion that they never found themselves in before. When your partner is miles away from you, it is very easy to let things go wrong and lead your long distance romance to an early death. Some people find it difficult to bridge the distance through communication, others become overly obsessed with what their partner is doing when they are not there and as a result they spiral down a road of jealousy and suspicion. They key is balance and following some basic steps to keep your relationship healthy and strong. For more advice and tips from fellow people in LDRs check http://www.waiit.com the Long Distance Relationships community website.

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christian
October 26, 2009 at 11:49 am

My girlffriend is going to be working on a cruise ship in 2 weeks and I won’t see her for four months. I know it don’t seem long. I’m woundering how to pass time and not let it bother me so much?

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