Archive for ‘Teenagers’

« Older Entries  |   Newer Entries »
September 20, 2006

Increase your child’s effectiveness as a student, and person by…

by Rod Smith

..reading to him while he is an infant, with him while he is a child, and alongside him when he is in his early teens.

..leaving as much of his school work and associated responsibilities up to him as early as possible.

..believing in his teachers, and in their capacity to inspire him to achieve worthwhile goals.

..refusing to compare a his academic or sporting achievements with anyone but with his own past achievements.

…reminding him he is 100% responsible for 100% of his behavior and his attitude at school, home, and everywhere he goes.

..keeping a shared, handwritten journal where you alternate entries with your son about anything affirming you’d both like to say about anything.

..encouraging as little exposure to TV in your home as possible.

..welcoming, enjoying, and offering and serving meals to his friends as often as possible.

…coming to peace with your own unresolved conflicts lest you burden the next generation with all you ignored or refused to resolve.

(Of course, while written using “he” and “him,” each point applies as much to daughters).

Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Education, Teenagers, Voice | Leave a Comment »

September 13, 2006

A reader writes about step-parenting:

by Rod Smith

“I can relate to the stepmother of six children. My experience was very bad and a long haul. I also got to the stage where I just stopped caring and turned my cheek for the next slap. Where do I start perhaps with the your’s and mine scenario. I had two daughters and he had a son and a daughter and later on one of our own.

My partner was very strict with my children who were living with us and because it was his home I supported him and his rules. His son and daughter came to us for school holidays and weekends. His son was a very angry child and it seemed that he purposely would do things to upset me. I tried to be understanding and make allowances for him which was perhaps my first mistake.

My partner would actually send me to the bus station to fetch the children who live away with their mother. Their faces would show their disappointment at seeing me and not their Dad who was out when we got home.

His son openly blamed me for this situation. He thought it was my way of making sure his father love them less because I was stopping him from being with them.

During school holidays my children had to carry on with all the rules that had been laid and there chores continued. His children did not have to help out because they were on holiday. I started sending my children to my brother for school holidays because they started resenting the way things were. This was also the wrong thing to do but I wanted to keep the peace between everyone.

His son and daughter as they got older started telling stories to their mother and father. The mother would phone the father I would be judged and accused of victimising his children. On occasions when I defended myself he told me that I was the adult in the situation and his children do not tell lies. I had no support and as the children got older they realised this and both started manipulating situations. I wanted to leave but ever time I tried to he promised me things would change and I must please come home with our child.

When his son was 15 he came and lived with us permanently because his mother decided it would be best. Once again I was told what was happening and had to go with the flow. Until his son left school he caused a lot of conflict and pain for everyone including his father. His daughter left school and wanted to live with him but told him this would not have happen unless he get’s rid of me. I was not aware that his daughter and me had a problem so this came as a bit of a shock.

His exact words to me were “he thinks I should move out for a while with our child and give him and his daughter time to bond”. I was angry and told him that he should have bonded with his daughter while she was growing up.

I did move out and decided that it was over time to move on. He came with his stories again and I ended up going back because our child needed a mother and a father. His daughter was openly rude to me.

His son’s 21st came and I arranged a small party for him and his friends. The son gave a speech and thanked me for every thing. It was the first nice thing he had ever done for me. I could full you in on all the gritty details but it would take way to long.

My conclusion:- Although my daughters were brought up in a strict environment and they did resent it they have benefited from it.

I spent a lot of years blaming his son and his daughter for my problems with them but have since realised that I should have been more firm. His son’s anger was not really directed at me, he was angry because his parents split up. He thought if I was out of the way his parents would get back together again.

My partner and his ex-wife are in my opinion one couple who should never have divorced but they did and they blamed each other. They used their children as pawns in their war zone causing the children un-necessary pain.

I allowed myself to become every ones whipping post.

I should never have allowed his son allowances for his behaviour in the first place.

I should have shown him and his sister that it was my home as well as theirs.

I should never have sent my children away to my brother for holiday’s.

I should have firmly designated the chores between all the children.

I should have been a stronger person and stood up to my partner.

Lastly I do have a relationship with my own children we are very close and although I feel guilty about allowing them to be treated as they were whilst growing up I know I never failed them or his children for that matter. My eldest daughter has a child of her own and just the other day told me that she wants her child to be brought up exactly the same way that she and her sister were brought up. She wants her child to be solid and have roots.

His children have grown up somehow I have managed to bond with them and have a relationship with them. His son told me in March this year that if I left his father now he would understand why and wouldn’t blame me. The daughter comes to me with her problems and relies on me for a lot. Neither have a good relationship with their father or mother. They love their parents very much but do not go out of there way for them. I find this very sad.

I now have anger towards my partner I feel like I have always been second best. I have distanced myself in our relationship and although I have no intentions of leaving I feel like all the years I spent being the children’s caretakers not wasted years.

I do feel I should have counted for something in the relationship. I have thrown myself into my career where I seem to get solace. I do not want to be bitter and harbour resentment. What has happened has happened, I can’t undo it I have to deal with it and carry on my youngest child is now seventeen. My child has her own scars to bear from all the trauma over the years.”

Letter submitted by Email an dpresented in full

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice | 3 Comments »

August 31, 2006

“Staying the night at 15” column generates lots of response…

by Rod Smith

Yesterday’s column generated much response. One response (edited for space) appears below. To respond to points of contention: the husband’s role ought not be “less” because he has been inconsistent. His role is not “earned.” He is dad. Suggesting he has less of a “voice” is a cop out for a girl making adult choices. Contrary to what most teens perhaps believe, a teenager’s relationship with his/her parents is more important than any romantic relationship.  

“If I were the girl even being as mature as I was at 15, I must say that I would not ‘opt for what my parents preferred’ if they had allowed me to act a certain way for an extended period of time and then tried to implement a new rules. While it’s true that although the dad should still have some authority, it would be stronger if he were consistent with his daughter. Were I his daughter, I would be less willing to listen to him. Although 15 is a young to be sexually active, it’s not abnormally young and it sounds like her choice of partner is not a bad one. It would be a good idea for her parents to discuss positive sexual relationships and birth control — so she should at least be educated in the subject.”

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Teenagers | 3 Comments »

August 29, 2006

Husband and wife disagree over daughter’s (15) relationship…..

by Rod Smith

My husband and I have an awful wedge between us over our daughter (15). She has been involved in a relationship with a young man (17) for 18 months. My husband has never truly been in favor of the relationship but because of his inconsistent involvement with our daughter’s upbringing he sometimes accepts it. I am more accepting. We disagree about her staying at his home, which has been happening on a regular basis for 10 months. I have no problem but my husband is totally against it. I know, and like, the boy and his extended family. They have high standards. Both young people have assured me that they are not sexually active. My daughter pleads with me to trust her. (Letter edited)

Response: Your daughter is too young for such an intense relationship but it is unlikely, after permitting it for 10 months, you will be able to stop it. I think, and I am often wrong, it somewhat naive to think there is no sexual activity between these children.

Agree on what both parents would prefer. Inform her. If she is worth trusting, and is sufficiently mature for such an intense relationship, she will opt for what her parents prefer.

Your husband’s inconsistency does not disqualify him from having authority.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Teenagers | 2 Comments »

August 7, 2006

A few thoughts about step-children…

by Rod Smith

I have had several requests to write about stepchildren and stepparenting…..

1. Growing up within an intact, stable, biological family is already sufficiently challenging. Adjusting to a “new” family, with a stepparent, makes something that is already difficult – growing up – even tougher. Difficulties are compounded when both parents remarry within a short time of each other. (The child is dealing with two “new” families and the trauma of the loss of the “original” family).

2. Stepchildren have, by definition, experienced monumental trauma. Its power to destabilize the “new” family should not be underestimated.

3. Stepchildren who say “we didn’t ask for this” (divorce, weekend visitations, or death of a parent, remarriage) are usually right.

4. Children innately want to live with their biological parents and will not necessarily welcome the arrival of a “new” adult. Knee-jerk rejection of a new significant other is to be expected and resistance to “intruders” can be expressed in cunning, even cruel ways.

5. Stepchildren can have a heightened awareness of what they might see as fraudulent adults who often display pseudo-closeness.

6. Adults who try too hard, who are overly focused on getting to know the children, or try to “lay down the rules” or “show who is boss” are setting themselves up to fail at an already difficult task.

7. Stepchildren will not automatically love someone just because their parent does.

8. Embracing stepsiblings is difficult even for the most understanding and welcoming children.

Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers | 15 Comments »

June 13, 2006

Entitled, spoilt son (17) — please help: my response / see May 24th, 2006

by Rod Smith

To the father of the entitled teenager (17) who lives rather ungratefully under his parent’s generous roof?

You son is popular with others and therefore he has it within him to have a fulfilling child/parent relationship. At 17 he can enter a meaningful discussion about what’s bothering you. When addressing him, reflect on your experiences as the parent rather than on how unwise or ungrateful you perceive him to be.

It is not too late to refuse to do for him the things he appears to take for granted. Make such a stand understanding he is resourceful enough to get what he needs without you.

Be sure to establish what it is that you want before you try to correct his errant ways. If you really want a meaningful father/son relationship, first establish what that means to you.

“I’d like some time on a weekly basis to talk with you face-to-face,” is reasonable. “You are never home so you can go out once a month,” is probably unreasonable.

Do not fall for the lie that your son’s difficulties are somehow directly related to your failings. Your son is talented and young enough to make his own mistakes. The last thing he needs is a dad who feels responsible for his every error.

Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Love, Reactivity, Space, Teenagers, Voice | 1 Comment »

May 29, 2006

Things dads can do to get closer to their children (requested re divorced dads but applies to all)

by Rod Smith

Embark on ruthless personal inventory. If you want to know your children better, the first building block is to know yourself better. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking this is a task you have already accomplished. Many men who think they know themselves well are really quite familiar with the person whom they wished they were. Your children are unlikely, beyond about the age of four, to be impressed with who you think you are, while also possessing really good takes on who you actually are.

Every negative habit, memory, unresolved grievance, prejudice, “hot button” that you keep hidden within you will act like a filter and distort what and who your children are in your eyes (and impact your other intimate relationships).

This does not mean you have to spill your guts and divulge every dark secret in some small group (although this would not be a bad idea if you can find the right kind of group) but it does mean that you have to stop fooling yourself about who and what you are. Come to terms with the fact that our children are seldom as impressed with us as we ourselves are.

Appreciate that just because you want to get closer to your children it does not mean they, at the same time, will have similar inclinations toward you. If you are insistent (pushy, demanding) with a reluctant child, your attempts are likely to be counter-productive. Being close to dad in the heart-to-heart, arm-over-shoulder kind of way is the fodder of sitcoms and movies than it is a part of real life.

Real-life-close-to-dad is more about the capitalizing on conflict and turning it into a means of greater understanding and love. It’s about being committed to learning from each other, and long periods of silence. It is about sometimes feeling used, sometimes feeling taken for granted. It is about learning to appropriately speak up. It is about knowing what to address and when and how to address it. It is about knowing what to ignore. It is about knowing when to be loud and when to be soft. It is about knowing when to be visible and when to be in the background.

Television sitcoms can go from conflict to resolution in thirty minutes (including six to eight minutes of commercials). In real life, successfully loving children can take forty years.

Posted in Children, Divorce, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Teenagers | 3 Comments »

May 24, 2006

Entitled, spoilt son (17) — please help

by Rod Smith

My son (17) is a high achiever in every aspect of his school life. He is extremely popular and enjoys clubbing/parties most weekends. I am afraid that over the years I have spoilt him because he has been so charming. Lately, signs that were there years ago are becoming a huge issue for me. We are constantly banging heads. My son does not communicate with his family in a friendly or meaningful way, or tell us about his life, instead he complains about his meager pocket money, expects us to run to and fro at all hours, complains about the lack of food in the house, grunts when his mother asks him if he liked his school lunch she lovingly prepared, moans when asked to lock up (this at 2am when we have just fetched him from a club) and generally displays an attitude of entitlement. He almost always makes excuses when asked to help in any way. I love my son very much. His lack of respect for the feelings of all his family, his rudeness and lack of gratitude are making me very sad. Can you help? A Father (Letter edited for space)

I will reply to this letter tomorrow. In the meantime readers, please send me your ideas.

Posted in Adolescence, Children, Teenagers | 3 Comments »

April 11, 2006

Sex education, puberty, and your children:

by Rod Smith

1. Be the first to talk to your child about sex. Do not leave this facet of your child’s life in the hands of the school, Hollywood, television, church, or other children. Your avoidance of this topic, when it is so prevalent in the culture, sends your child a confusing message.

2. Rather than wait for some “big talk,” have many “small talks” about all manner of human matters. This will make a “big talk” unnecessary.

3. Don’t assume your child is a “blank slate” when it comes to matters of sex and relationships. Try to access what he or she already knows by allowing the conversation to take on a life of its own. Adults who “steer” conversations usually end up where the adult desires rather than where the child wants or needs to be.

4. Don’t trick or trap children into conversations. Parents trick or trap children and then wonder why children cease trusting parents.

5. Parents ought not to rely on “Spot had puppies” or “we visited a farm” to avoid warm and pointed talk about sex with their child. Animals have nothing to teach humans about human sexuality.

6. Parents who are guilt-ridden about sex and sexuality ought to work through their own hang-ups if they want their children to be less complicated than themselves. Married adults who cannot engage in meaningful conversations about sex are unlikely to be capable of helpful conversations about sex with their children. Talk with each other about this beautiful human gift without embarrassment, without trivializing its importance, or regarding it as taboo.

7. While it is often believed men should talk with sons and women with daughters about puberty and sexuality, both parents can do equally well in talking with both boys and girls.

8. Physical changes accompanying puberty ought not surprise children. Ideally many positive conversations will predate these changes for your child and therefore will be changes he or she knowledgeably expects and welcomes.

9. While physical changes might be “old hat” to other family members, the changes are likely to usher in a heightened sensitivity for the child. This journey ought not become a source of humor, teasing or belittling. Don’t announce Johnny’s “broken” voice or the hair on his upper lip. If you want a child to be willing to speak with you about important, private matters, respect the child long before such conversations become necessary.

10. Don’t be surprised when your carefree preadolescent, who has hardly closed a door in his life, wakes up one day and becomes Mr. Private, double locking doors everywhere he goes! The innocent child, who once gave no thought to running naked from the shower to his room, will probably stop this completely. He or she may also want you and other family members out of the room when he or she is dressing. Respect this without drawing attention to it.

11. Respect closed doors. The child who says he or she would rather not talk about matters of human sexuality ought to receive a secret gift of an age-appropriate book on the topic. Wrap it. Leave it for your child to find.

12. Your child’s transition into adulthood, along the often-troubled road of adolescents, ought to be as guilt-free as possible. Almost all teenagers engage in regular, lone, sexual self-gratification. The heavy layers of guilt so frequently associated with such activity are, in my opinion, more damaging than the act could ever be. As a parent, do your part in alleviating potential for guilt.

Posted in Adolescence, Parenting/Children, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Single parenting, Teenagers | 5 Comments »

March 21, 2006

Seven “essentials” before marrying someone with children?

by Rod Smith

Enjoy it? Pass it on...

Enjoy it? Pass it on...

1. Plan several sessions of “hard” talking with your potential spouse. It is essential that you temporarily forget the romantic elements of your relationship to talk business. Blending families is one of life’s most difficult challenges, which is further compounded when both parties have children.

2. Don’t try to be the stepparent before you legally occupy the role. Prematurely playing a role will create problems once you legitimately occupy it. It is essential you do not assume roles you don’t occupy. If a child (or future spouse) treats you as a parent, it doesn’t mean you are one. Troubles brew when people push themselves, or are pushed by others, into roles they do not occupy. (This is true even beyond families!)

3. Bridges are best built before they are needed. It is essential that you insist on multiple meetings with both parents of ALL the children before you consider marriage. These meetings will focus on methods of co-parenting in order to secure everyone’s best advantage. If implementing such meetings seems overwhelming to you, you are probably heading for a minefield of countless unexpected, unwelcome complications – that will seem (believe it or not) even too large for love to overcome! What is avoided (denied, glossed over, minimized) pre-wedding will rise like a rabid monster quite soon after the wedding.

4. Financial integrity is as important as sexual fidelity! It is essential that you look into every detail of all financial records of your spouse-to-be and offer your own finances for similar scrutiny — before you plan a wedding. Persons who cannot responsibly handle money are unlikely to be able to handle the pressures of thriving within a blended family. If a would-be spouse suggests information* about his or her finances are off-limits to you, wipe the dust off your feet and depart, no matter how much love you may feel. Authentic love, apart from having many other facets, is also measured in the degree of financial partnering* (not necessarily blending) is established between lovers. Resilient love seeks the wise, open use of combined resources. Because blending families also often involves complex financial arrangements (child support and so forth, divorce costs, education bills for children of a former marriage) hiding the details from a would-be spouse is exceedingly unfair to all involved.*

5. Flee “blamers.” An adult who blames their former spouse (or parents, or childhood, the new political order) for everything will also, before long, blame you for everything.

6. Avoid people who cannot engage in civil conversations with an ex, with their parents, or their children.

7. Getting Johnny (or Mary) a stepparent will not ease his dissatisfaction with the divorce, school, or his craving for a “real family.” It is essential to understand that getting married will not solve any but the most superficial current family issues. Blending families is likely to unveil and exacerbate more problems than it solves.

This said, and so much of it sounds negative, blended families hold the potential to enrich and empower all the people involved. Some of the healthiest, happiest families I have met in many years of meeting with families (in all manner of circumstances) have been blended families!

* A reader kindly pointed out that my column suggests finances ought to be blended. I do not believe this is always wise or necessary. I do believe the couple MUST be OPEN about the details or all financial matters. See comment here: http://rodesmith.com/2008/01/20/reader-comments-on-blending-finances/

Posted in Blended families, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers | 12 Comments »

« Older Entries  |   Newer Entries »