Knowing some others is by necessity casual and without intimacy. 

We live busy lives among lots and lots of people and so it is anticipated that many of our relationships will be and remain platonic. 

A form of tragedy, and I do not use the term lightly, is when our most intimate relationships get stuck in little more than a platonic rut. 

And, of course the most intimate behaviors can remain platonic and mechanical and lack any depth of authentic human connection. 

This is surely a definition of loneliness? 

Knowing another at growing depth is no easy privilege or joy. When approaching the success of really getting to know someone, we seldom arrive, but when it does, it is indeed both a privilege and joy.

It may hold the essence of happiness. 

Entering the world of another takes patience, time, commitment, love, wisdom and tenacity. 

It is not that others are so elusive, evasive or enigmatic. 

The problem is that it is so very hard to know ourselves.

It remains true: the highest hurdle to knowing you is knowing me. 

I must do the work it takes to know me, so I may even begin to be interested in knowing you.

The depths of your grief and disappointments, the nucleus of your joys, will remain foreign to me while I am unwilling to delve into my own.    

Differentiation of Self is central to my approach to therapy.

This is a term coined by the pioneer of the Science of Family Therapy, Dr. Murray Bowen.

Bowen, a psychiatrist, tired of treating individuals for what was, to Bowen, clearly a family or a group issue. Bowen would hospitalize an entire family because one member displayed mental health issues.

Dr. Bowen believed that emotional, mental health, and family problems were not “inside” the symptom bearer – the person who was said to be ill – but rather the “problem” resided within the relationships of the family or group.

Differentiation of Self is the capacity to:

• Remain and individual while also being an integral part of a larger group.
• Be responsible for one’s own life and choices.
• Stay committed to important relationships in the face of disagreement and conflict.
• Express thoughts, preferences, agreements and disagreements, despite natural group or family pressures to avoid and conform.
• Remain on track and committed to goals while respecting maintaining relationships with important others who would rather you were less ambitious, vocal, healthy.

Murray Bowen observed that the key to a family’s health was the person (or persons) who were working on their levels of differentiation.

I know, I know, it’s counter-intuitive

Defining yourself, setting your own personal goals as if you are alone in this world, and getting your focus off others will deepen your levels of connection and intimacy with others.

Authentic intimacy is contingent upon the development of a secure self. To work on your Self – to set goals, to develop and accomplish personal challenges – is not selfish. Not to do so, usually is.

Freeing others of their debts to you — gross or trivial, real or imagined — will increase your freedom or make you free. The resentments we collect poison our vision and taints all our relationships. Our resentments may be specific, targeted at one person or a few people, but the toxins that brew are generic and impact all of our insights and relationships.

All growth requires some loss and will probably illicit some grief no matter how much change is wanted or necessary. Men and women grieve the loss of even the worst of marriages and even the most abusive of circumstances. People become accustomed to the most trying of circumstances and will often grieve quite unexpectedly when those circumstances change.

“Getting a life” outside of your children and “outside” of your marriage is good for you, your children, your spouse, and for your marriage.

As I said, it’s counter-intuitive….

“My father (72) is seeing a woman (68). Both have lost life-long partners after long illnesses. They have been on their own for a year for my dad and about 18 months for her mom. Her daughter and I are friends. Both of us think it is too soon for my dad and her mom to be in a relationship. We have not told them this yet but are planning to. They have picked up that we are not really supportive. How should we approach this?” 

While I think I understand your shared concerns, I would suggest you both get out of their way. 

I find it rather sad to read “they have picked up” that you are “not really supportive.” 

If you want to approach your dad and your friend’s mother with anything, approach them with two huge bowls of flowers (preferably roses) and strong greeting cards which express encouragement and affirmation. 

Be sure the cards are signed by all the members of both families. 

That your parents are dating again is a compliment to their courage after deep losses. 

Support and enjoy what is happening between them and be part of the excitement rather than try to deny or kill it.  

The Chess Metaphor 

In healthy relationships there are no elements of either winning or losing. Relationships are not a game and are free of tactics and agenda.

They are open and transparent.

Healthy relationships enjoy respect, mutuality, and equality at every level. 

Unfortunately not all relationships are healthy. 

Do your closest relationships have you feeling as if you are a player in a game of chess with humans?

This metaphor may be helpful when considering the three “cancers” or toxic conditions of relationships: 

MANIPULATION 

This is playing chess with another person or with people. It’s maneuvering as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into loving us or into doing what we want the way we want it done. It can be very subtle and it can be very obvious. Hidden agendas abound. 

DOMINATION 

This is playing chess with another person or with people as in manipulation with an added twist. The difference is the one who seeks to dominate has removed the opponent’s pieces without declaring so and therefore seems always to have the upper hand or the advantage. 

INTIMIDATION

This is playing chess with another person or with people where winning and losing comes with the threat of punishment or actual punishment. The punishment may include the silence game, withholding affection or money, or “forgetting” something the victim holds dear. 

You’ve got the love families……

Some select a victim, a scapegoat, to shoulder all the woes that have little or nothing to do with the chosen one. Some families choose a hero to make themselves feel better, recognized, even famous. 

Some families walk in lockstep without questioning direction or pace or destination.  In some families people run in so many directions it’s hard to identify who may or may not belong. 

Some parents have a plan for just about everything. They regard childhood as a walk through stages of training and preparation for adulthood. Some children just get older.

Some families have fun and enjoy laughter and honor each other’s humor. They listen to each other’s jokes and stories be they often repeated. Some families settle for scoffing and sarcasm as if putting each other down is the only expression of “humor” they know.

Some families talk about everything where no topic is taboo and there are usually willing listeners.  Some families have long understood and avoided the landmine material beneath the surface and know how to always avoid it.

Some families (unknowingly) appoint a spokesperson to manage the family story. Some decide no one will ever hear it — not even those in the family.

I challenge my adult clients to focus only on their own behavior and their own thinking. 

Many conversations reveal people to be experts in what their significant others will, won’t do, or will or won’t say under a myriad of circumstances then offer a blank stare when asked about their own behaviors. This unhealthy focus on others leads to thinking for others, too. 

And, it can all look and sound so loving.

I encourage a shift in discipline – to become an expert in one’s own behavior and to think for oneself or to get out of other people’s heads. 

This is not selfish. 

Consider how selfish it really is to focus on the behavior of others and to think it is necessary to think for others. Consider how self-aware and considerate it is to monitor our own behavior and to trust others to be capable of thinking for themselves.

Being an expert in another can be annoying. 

Thinking for another can be quite amusing.

“You are hungry. You need the loo. You are always so difficult. You must be cold, wear this,” I heard one spouse say to another. 

Then she’ll complain he has no life in him.

Involuntary emotional primal reactions for self protection of fight, flight, freeze, fawn serve people well under limited circumstances like wars or violence or physical invasions. These reactions, designed to self-protect, are usually unhelpful if they leak into or invade our day-to-day relationships. 

When faced with an enemy, a threat, a danger (real or perceived) humans will react to protect. The reaction evoked will require no thinking, it will be immediate and one of or a combination of:

Fight – eliminate the threat. 

Flight – flee the threat, get away. 

Freeze – be immobilized by the threat. 

Fawn – give excessive attention to the threat to seek approval, therefore escape.

Humans are somewhat complicated and what was intended for survival can get in the way of “thrival” (to thrive – this is my word, I just made it up) if “on the inside” we are fighting, fleeing, freezing, fawning, when there is no threat and self-protection is is unnecessary. The child whose environment demands all four to survive – they usually and necessarily travel in packs – may have a tough time escaping these primal reactions when they are no longer necessary. When involuntary emotional reactions are “habitual” or the default for children, it’s easy to see how it is that the adults who emerge may be difficult to reach and to know.   

Adam, Bob, and Charlie are friends who work together. 

When Adam gets anxious, he focuses on colleague Bob, who according to Adam, is hard to work with. 

Adam asks Charlie for a private conversation. This gives Charlie a good feeling. He feels important, included. He really is one of the guys! 

When they meet Adam commiserates, even seeks prayer for what to do about Bob. Charlie feels helpful because he gives Adam the chance to get things off his chest – and we all need that. 

Adam feels very good about it too. He  says “God sent you, Charlie” and Charlie feels pleased that God is finally “using him.” 

One problem (of several) is Adam wants Charlie on Adam’s side. If Charlie plays along and allows Adam to use him to avoid talking to Bob, Charlie will see that Adam has shown little or no respect to his colleagues.    

It may take a while for Adam and Charlie to learn that nothing will change between Adam and Bob until Adam and Bob talk to each other about each other. Charlie, in the meantime may start noticing just how difficult Bob really is, even though it had not crossed his mind before. While he may have not had quite the welcome from Adam, Adam, Bob, and Charlie would have been a tad better off had Charlie suggested Adam talk to Bob rather than talk about him.