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August 2, 2024

The OpenHand

by Rod Smith

You open Your Hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. PSALM 145: 16

Open your hand using all your strength. Stretch your fingers. Allow the lines on your palm to feel as though they might tear apart. Study the contours, colors, ridges and valleys, joints, dents and spaces. Push, pull, and rub. Move your fingers through their paces: together, apart, back, forward, curved, strained and relaxed, cooperative yet unique. Feel the texture and every curve. Touch the crevices. Spread your hand further, turn it at the wrist, examine and compare patterns from every angle. Here are pieces of yourself you might never have studied. 

Your hands are your constant companions. They have met the needs of others, pioneered romantic moments and worn rings of commitment. They are the way your heart leaves fingerprints, the eyes at the end of your arms. Hands reflect a person’s being and are the front line agents of your life. If eyes are said to be the windows of a soul, hands express the soul. 

Hold other people with your hand thoroughly open. Allow them to know the warmth and welcome of your hand, investigate its curves and benefit from its scars. Invite others to follow the lines into the fabric of your life and see the risks you have taken and the adventures that are yours. Allow them to wrestle and rest, search, see and speak. Let them stay; let them go, but let them find your hand always open.

The Open Hand of friendship, at its widest span, is most rewarding, most challenging and most painful, for it enduringly acknowledges the freedom others have while choosing not to close upon, turn on, coerce, or manipulate others. In such friendships, expectations and disappointments become minimal and the reward is freedom. As others determine a unique pace within your open hand, they will see freedom and possibly embrace their own with excitement and pleasure.

Openhanded people do not attempt to “fix” others, change, or control others even for their own good. Rather, each person is given freedom to learn about life in his own way. Openhanded people, instead, express kindly and truthfully what they think and feel, when asked, knowing even in the asking, others might not be interested or willing to learn. 

The Open Hand is not naive. It is willing to trust, while understanding and accepting that no person is all good or all bad, and that all behavior has meaning. The Open Hand is convinced it cannot change others; it cannot see or think or feel or believe or love or see for others, but trusts people to know what is good themselves. It will not strong-arm, pursue or even attempt to convince others because it has little investment in being right, winning or competing. Here is offered a core-freedom of the deepest and most profound nature: allowing others to live without guilt, shame and expectation.

Further, the Open Hand offers oneself freedom that extends to one’s memories, ambitions, failures and successes. This allows for growth of enduring intimacy, greater personal responsibility, authentic autonomy, and the possibility of meaningful relationships with others. 

In the discovery of a closed hand, even at the end of your own arm, do not try to pry it open. Be gentle. Allow it to test the risky waters of freedom. As it is accustomed to being closed and fist-like, it will not be easily or forcefully opened. So let the closed-handed do their own releasing and trusting, little by little, and in their own time and manner. 

When openhanded people meet, lives connect in trust, freedom and communion. Community is set in motion. Creativity is encouraged. Mutual support is freely given. Risks are shared. Lives are wrapped in the safety of shared adventure and individual endeavor all at the same time.

Copyright ©️ — Rod Smith, MSMFT, 1997

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | 1 Comment »

July 29, 2024

I hate being in the middle….

by Rod Smith

“I hate being in the middle. My son tells me stuff about his wife’s family. My neighbor tells me things about the people over the road (also our friends but she doesn’t know we are friends) and even my grandchild tells me things going on in his family that I have to keep quiet about. I feel like I am living on egg-shells every time I meet people who are close to me.” 

If you hate being in the middle then get out of it.

You’re only there because you have cooperated with the gossip that has flowed your way. All you had to say to your neighbor is “you do know you are talking about people who are my  friends.” 

Quietly declare to people who speak to you about those not present that such talk is not something you choose to do. 

Yes, you can even tell your grandchild you’d prefer he talk with his parents about what is going on in his family.

If you do this with your grandchild (unless he is in an intolerable circumstance or something illegal is occurring) you will be teaching him the valuable art of going to the source or addressing his issues with those empowered to do something about the circumstances.

Gossip never forms “special bonds” – it is always unhealthy for all involved.    

Posted in Children, Communication, Therapeutic Process, Triangles | Leave a Comment »

July 27, 2024

Emlyn Jones

by Rod Smith

Rev. Emlyn Jones was a regular guest at Durban North Presbyterian Church. He occupied the pulpit in such a way that despite his short stature he and his voice filled the entire church building. 

I was in my early twenties when I first encountered him and I couldn’t help but pay attention. His warmth and personality somehow drew every eye and ear toward the pulpit for a poetic, personal, often funny, romp with all things practical and spiritual.

Emlyn preached to crowds, but for the listener, it was intimate.

When he preached it was as if I was alone with him and we were chatting over a cup of tea.

I felt like he’d done all his preparation just for me. 

Emlyn Jones made God tangible, intimate, deeply caring. 

As a listener I was momentarily transfixed and believed I could become something for this caring God, a God who wanted me, had a place for me, and who desired for me to take it.

His preached word wooed me out of my complex and confused self and showed me I could be part of loving, seeing, and knowing the world and have something to say to the people in it. 

Emlyn Jones modeled love and wisdom.

I wanted to do the same.

I have never forgotten his pulpit manner, mastery, and presence, which I know has given me enormous respect for fine orators and, ironically, even as a young and complex man, a longing desire to be one. 

The very idea scared but never left me. 

A highschool assignment involving presenting to a group of peers had me planning my own demise. Yet Emlyn’s sermons, his pulpit manner, were wooing something, stirring something within my core into occupying a pulpit myself.

Emlyn preached a sermon about a self to live with and a cause to live for and it offered me a bridge into a future that, at the time, was beyond my capacity to imagine.

Even on leaving the building and making my way home, I knew something of my life’s trajectory had shifted. 

Can terror, possibilities, and joy dance together? 

I think so. 

They augmented into a respectful rhythm, a waltz of sorts, of hesitancy, gratitude, and freedom.

Emyln Jones played music and I was a willing listener.  

“Oh love that will not let me go…..”

Posted in Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | 1 Comment »

July 27, 2024

Music music music

by Rod Smith

Music was very much a part of my childhood.

Mom often sang around the house.

Doris Day and Virginia Lee and Jim Reeves were her favorites.

Dad loved to dance.

My parents turned heads on any dance floor.

Ancient hymns became markers for me.

I knew if they sang “From sinking sands He lifted me” we had no money.

“What a friend we have in Jesus” meant someone somewhere was in trouble.

When they sang about the “Three little fishies that swam, swam, swam all over the dam” I knew they had enjoyed a good time at a party.

“Abide with me” and “Nearer My God to Thee” meant Dad was thinking about the war and his time in the water after HMS Dorsetshire went down and he had to take to the ocean and swim for his life.

There was a duet only my parents sang that I have never heard performed by anyone else.

“With the kind of love that you’ve been giving,”….

…. dad would sing, holding the last note until mom joined him with...

“I could reach the moon up in the sky.”

They’d perfected harmonies for the rest of the song:

“A little cooperation my dear,
a kiss or something whispered in my ear,
would help me banish the thought of fear, with a little cooperation my dear.”

I liked unison parts best:

“Without your love I couldn’t go on living, wondering how I’d get by.
But with the kind of love you’ve been giving,
I can reach the moon up in the sky.”

Posted in Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | Leave a Comment »

July 23, 2024

Grace of Targeted Giving

by Rod Smith

#GraceuponGrace

I was in the Western Cape these last two weeks. It rained and rained and rained even more.

When I tell you the following I’m telling you because you know, those among you who read my posts, that it is you, not me. It is you who have empowered me to do this. I’ve said a hundred times, I’m the bridge and not the giver.

I was able to give (“Targeted Giving” – I call it) to 5 individuals and families I know, people I trust — $2500.00 ($500 each) to boost their good works and enhance their impact where they work.

For one family: it was a very cold and windswept afternoon. I called and asked the mom to meet me on the sidewalk at her address.

She was suprised to get my call — I do live 8000 miles away.

Dressed for the weather the whole family (I think I’m recalling correctly) came out.

I requested she and her husband get out of the weather and into the car and that we take them to their bank. The young son and dad joined us and they were able to deposit a large sum of Rands – they were not anticipating a gift — which I’d already exchanged on their behalf.

This gave the family what appeared to be an unimaginable boost!

Fewer than 24 hours later the mom sent my sister, not me, a photograph.

The family fed a huge crowd breakfast of porridge and bread the very next morning — because now they had extra.

Can you imagine the joy of getting such a call when it’s unexpected and the weather is pounding. Oh the stories that will be told of your generosity for ages to come.

How nice it indeed was to be the bridge (5 times) for your gift, your generosity.

You know who you are.

Thank you.

Let it be known we were also able to give $1000.00 to a local (in my town) safe house for young girls and women and send a local (from my town) boy or girl (I requested not to know who) to Summer Camp with Young Life. Cynics will often say and correctly say — “we have enough needs right here in Indiana.” I will assume they are giving handsomely to a local fund offering assistance.

Contact me if you’d like to help me repeat this community act of Grace.

Posted in Communication, Education, Faith, Grace, Leadership | Leave a Comment »

July 12, 2024

The Alphabet of Healthy Relationships: M is for….

by Rod Smith

Meaning

I want my life to count, make a difference, contribute to the greater good, to have MEANING.

I cannot exist in a vacuum, but in a community with persons of similar desires to create something beautiful with the skills, resources, and years that we have at our disposal.

I want to serve a cause that is greater than my own fulfillment.

I want to plant now, so people I may never meet or know or hear of me, may harvest something rich and rewarding in their futures.

The only photograph — I’m aware of — of my mother and me.

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Parenting/Children, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

July 11, 2024

Alphabet of Healthy Relationships: L is for..

by Rod Smith

L is for listen

I want to LISTEN as if I am studying fine, complex, beautiful art, a masterpiece, rather than as if I’m engaged in a hard game of competitive verbal tennis.

I want to listen as one who has much to learn rather than hide behind a secretly held belief that I’m the one with much to teach.

I know arrogance neither hears nor listens well, or accurately, but hears what it wants to hear. Arrogance reshapes what’s said into what the listener wants to hear or wishes was said.

I know that if I think I’ve “heard it all before” then I’m not listening.

Listening, really listening, can open new worlds for those who speak and those who listen and lead both down a path of brave discoveries. It’s a risk both parties must take if their communion is to improve. 

I know the loving listener listens to what is said, listens to what is unsaid, and does so without rearranging either.

The authentic listener is capable of leaving the world of another admired and untouched – no matter how beautiful or how troubled that world may be.

Bring it on….. I’m listening

Posted in Leadership, Listening, Love | Leave a Comment »

July 10, 2024

Alphabet for Healthy Relationships: K is for…..

by Rod Smith

When I am angry, unsettled, off-kilter, I make KNEE-JERK and reactive “decisions” and they are usually decisions I regret.

It’s fight or flight.

It’s short-fuse, it’s blow-a-fuse behavior and it almost always requires an apology within a day or two, if not more immediately.

I’m far better at responding rather than reacting if I allow myself space and time, room to think things through, form an intelligent strategy, rather than shoot from the hip and create more material for clean up and apologies. 

The former (anger and reactivity) is about fear and the need to protect. 

Responding is about learning, about gaining objectivity, and guarding all people (not only myself) and trying to do what’s good for all involved. 

Another thing I’ve repeatedly found (in retrospect) is that my knee-jerk reactions usually kick in to defend false assumptions, narratives existing in my head alone, and defending what’s not even necessarily threatened. 

Reacting to others seldom lands me in a place I want to be and seldom leaves me proud of my behavior or the fallout from my actions. 

Reacting rather than responding seldom leads to better, more trusting relationships.

Responding, at least, leaves room for love and goodwill to find a way. 

Gale force winds — western Cape

Posted in Difficult Relationships, Reactivity | 1 Comment »

July 9, 2024

Alphabet for Healthy Relationships: J is for….

by Rod Smith

Jealously

When I’m JEALOUS, I know it. Others know it. When you’re jealous I believe you know it.

Shakespeare nicknamed jealousy “the green eyed monster,” and, given the slightest wink or invitation, it sneaks up on people often when least expected – and, a destructive monster it indeed is. 

It hurts the jealous, and can hurt the object of jealousy.

It can ruin a relationship.

Since the object of our jealousy is not the source of our jealousy, let’s not point fingers when we feel the monster doing its intrusive and destructive work.

Jealousy is an individual pursuit. Those who host the virus or entertain the monster must address it or be it’s enduring casualty. 

Jealousy can be subtle and hidden within — it may be gentle nudges the jealous person may be capable of disguising or hiding. Jealousy can be loud and gross, expressing itself in obvious avoidance or outright rejection or rage at others – those whom a jealous person may deem more skilled or popular or preferred than jealousy’s host.

There are perhaps subtle differences between jealousy and envy but it’s hair-splitting — the goal is to expel the virus and desire the best for others and set others free of our pettiness. 

It’s rare to see snow on the Western Cape!

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

July 7, 2024

Alphabet of Healthy Relationships: I is for….

by Rod Smith

Deep down where soul, spirit, will, heart, mind, meet, I have a magnificent gift – the instinctual, God-given, desire for INTIMACY.

Togetherness.

It comes wrapped into my humanity. I want to be intimate, to belong, to be part of a family, groups, teams, causes.

I don’t want to be alone.

I want to know others and be known by others. This desire usually whispers, but must sometimes yell, for recognition, especially when my equally powerful instinctual desire for autonomy has enjoyed its pleasures.

I want to be heard and treasured as a companion and friend. I want to be an integral part of the lives of close family and friends.

I want to be fearlessly open with a handful of loving friends and for them to be similarly open with me. If I repeatedly ignore this primal desire, I place my emotional well-being and physical health at risk.

I was not designed to be alone. I am designed for connection with others.

Acknowledging this essential part of who I am,  respecting it, enjoying it, enhances my capacity to love myself, love others, and become fully, and more beautifully human.

*to be read in tandem with A is for Autonomy 

My 1st born son and I enjoying our beautiful connection which is as meaningful today as it was the day of his birth…. He’s 26 now!

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Grace, Leadership | Leave a Comment »

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