Archive for December, 2006

December 6, 2006

My son is doing so much better…. can it last?

by Rod Smith

“My son (14) has had a turn-around that is hard to imagine. He is getting down to his work. He is talking with me. He is being more respectful at home and trying to have cordial conversations with me. I cannot tell you how proud I am and how glad I am that something has ‘clicked’ for him. I am living with my nerves on end about when things will change back again and he will be back to himself. Can this last?”

 

I am very pleased your son is “seeing the light” and responding to whatever is helping him realize that it is he who is indeed in charge of his emotions and his future. Like most parents, I am sure you have come to expect that people can go one step forward and three steps back in a very short pace of time. Affirm your son’s progress – and believe in it. Treating him as if his changes are less than real will only serve to undermine the very efforts he is attempting to make.

December 5, 2006

Mother is planning to marry again after our dad’s death…..

by Rod Smith

Yesterday my mother (62) told us (three adult children) that she is planning to get married again and my father has only been deceased 18 months. This news was not well received even though we all know and like the man she is dating. Her relationship has been seeing a man very hush hush over the past eight months because she was afraid of our response. How can I get her to see this is a bad move on her part since our father is only so recently gone?

 

Trust your mother. Get behind her. No wonder your mother has had to be “hush hush” about her love life. Her adult children are not ready for her to find new happiness. Affirm her courage.

 

I’d suggest you summons your siblings to a meeting where you each apologize for your role in driving her “underground” with her love-life. After you have apologized, announce your love and support for your mother as a separate adult person who is able to make good, wise decisions about her life and her future.

 

Welcome her new-found love into your extended family with joy and kindness.

December 4, 2006

Help! – readers who loved Durban’s soccer in the sixties…

by Rod Smith

Who among the soccer-loving readership, and who of course are old enough to remember, cannot long for the days when Durban City, Durban United, and Addington were the premier professional soccer teams in Natal?

My interest in Durban soccer peaked in the mid-sixties, when I spent many a Sunday cheering for Norman Elliot’s Durban City. They were my team and their paraphernalia adorned my every surrounding. The players were my heroes and on many occasions, at the end of a game, I jumped the small white fence around the field at Kingsmead in search of autographs.

I recall the crazy crowds under the spell of center forward Bobby Chalmers, who pounded goals with great ease through United’s goalkeeper George Ryder.

Who cannot recall, and not still be filled with wonder at the remarkable power Les Salton could pack behind a ball, or not wonder at the grace and ease of Henry Houser, the captain and power behind Addington?

But my personal heroes were first Bobby Chalmers, then Alan Varner, Keith Blackburn, John Rugg and George Wooten – all Durban City stars.

Any information about where these stars are now would be most welcome.

(I was overwhelmed with letters from readers about these days and these players).

December 3, 2006

Why do women stay in unhealthy (or toxic, or abusive) relationships?

by Rod Smith

ExplosiveWhile a healthier person might find it very difficult to understand why a woman would remain the target of abuse, here are things I have heard from women (and a few men) in toxic relationships:

1. “His anger shows he cares.”
2. “No one has loved me like this.”
3. “If I leave he’ll take the children.”
4. “I am so unlovable (bad, ugly, hurt, used) I deserve abuse.”
5. “My past is catching up with me. I deserve to be mistreated.”
6. “He is not abusive. I’m just a slow learner.”
7. “God is teaching me: tough times are lessons from God.”
8. “I cannot make it alone.”
9. “Relationships are never perfect. They all hurt in some way.”
10. “You make your bed. You lie in it.”
11. “Things will improve when we have children (get married, get a house, a job).”
12. “He’s really a good person. When I make him angry he can’t help it.”
13. “As long as he is sorry I can put up with anything.”
14. “Things are improving, he doesn’t hit me like he used to.”
15. “God will change him if I am obedient. The Bible says so.”

The intensity, anger, aggression, in a toxic dance, places the victim on center-stage, and this focus is apparently experienced as some form of love.

December 1, 2006

Angry son and dad get into it…. what can we do?

by Rod Smith

My son (13) gets so angry when he is confronted about anything (school results, when he cannot go out, when he cannot be on the Internet) I know he scares himself. Last weekend my husband and son had a confrontation and he hit my husband in the face. I am glad my husband was patient with him and did not lose his temper. What should I do?

First: Decide that the parents will never resort to fighting violence with violence.

Second: Discuss that loving your son and supporting him through this troubled time is something to which you are both enduringly committed.

Third: Talk with your husband a lot about many and various topics – discussions about your son must not be permitted to dominate your every interaction – in order to establish unity that is comforting to you and obvious to your son. This expression of unity – not necessarily agreement – will become a natural protection when your family faces challenges.

Finally: During a “down time” and when things are peaceful, let your son know the despite whatever occurs among you, he is to learn to hold his temper, and to learn not to strike others. Let him know failure at self-restraint will result in the immediate need for professional intervention.