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Mother is planning to marry again after our dad’s death…..

by Rod Smith

Yesterday my mother (62) told us (three adult children) that she is planning to get married again and my father has only been deceased 18 months. This news was not well received even though we all know and like the man she is dating. Her relationship has been seeing a man very hush hush over the past eight months because she was afraid of our response. How can I get her to see this is a bad move on her part since our father is only so recently gone?

 

Trust your mother. Get behind her. No wonder your mother has had to be “hush hush” about her love life. Her adult children are not ready for her to find new happiness. Affirm her courage.

 

I’d suggest you summons your siblings to a meeting where you each apologize for your role in driving her “underground” with her love-life. After you have apologized, announce your love and support for your mother as a separate adult person who is able to make good, wise decisions about her life and her future.

 

Welcome her new-found love into your extended family with joy and kindness.

Posted on December 5, 2006 at 6:17 pm in Attraction, Listening, Marriage, Re-marriage, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

5 Comments to “Mother is planning to marry again after our dad’s death…..”

    
  1. tobeme's avatar
    tobeme
    December 6, 2006 at 11:13 am

    Rod is correct, why would you deny your mother the happiness that she has found in her relationship?
    Sounds like you and your sibblings are allowing your own emotions and egos to get in the way.
    Your mother is an adult with 62 years of life experience, and she has been in this relationship for at least 8 months that you know about, which is ample time for a mature person to discern weather this relationship is ready to move into marriage.
    Trust and love your mother and her decisions. Be open and welcoming to her soon to be husband. Allow your mother to live her life as I am sure many times she has allowed you to live yours.
    Let your mother know that your love is unconditional!

    Reply
  2. Tami's avatar
    Tami
    March 5, 2007 at 10:39 am

    I agree with the others. I am 45 years old and I am a widow of 9 months. I know what it’s like to be very lonely. It doesn’t mean that your mother didn’t love your father and her love for him will always be with her. But she needs and deserves to be happy again and loved. I have 2 grown daughters and I’m a grandmother of 2. I was married 26 1/2 years and loved my husband very much. I didn’t think that I would ever want anyone else either, but after a couple of months, it gets to you and you start feeling all these things that’s hard to explain, unless you have been through something like this. I could never understand why my father-in-law married shortly after my mother-in-law died, until I went through it and now I more than understand the lonliness and comfort. Just be happy for your mother and let her enjoy the rest of her life the best she can and enjoy life with her. Your mother should know if she’s ready for marriage or not and if she’s comfortable with it, then you should be also. It seems like you’re the one who has the problem of letting your father go. Just remember this old quote, that I told my kids…”he may be gone, but he will never be forgotten” but we all have to move on and the memories will always be there, so just be happy for that and your life will be happier also. I don’t think that you would want someone doing that to you. So just relax and it will all work out fine.

    Reply
  3. Florence's avatar
    Florence
    April 30, 2007 at 4:58 pm

    It is very clear that you are all older and only thinking of yourselves in the same situation. You don’t seem to grasp how difficult this can be to your children to deal with. It’s not that we don’t want to see our parents happy… OF course we do! It’s that you’re forcing us all to feel like you do in the same amount of time and we can’t. Even worse, we are supposed to pretend to feel happy about it???? THAT IS CRAZY!!!!! We all accept and deal with death and the inevitable new relationships in different ways. We need time. You need to realize that seeing our parents with someone other than our deceased (or even divorced) parent brings back not only the pain of losing our parent, but a sense that the surviving parent cares more about themselves than us or our deceased parent. You are the “supposed” older and wiser people and yet you don’t seem to acknowledge your role in our reactions. Instead trying to help us through this you are only thinking of yourselves. I would say THAT is egotistical and selfish.

    Reply
    • Chris's avatar
      Chris
      April 4, 2010 at 3:09 pm

      I don’t agree with you. 18 months is a long time. As mature adults you should be over your dad’s death by now, carrying on with your own lives, and leaving your mother alone to live her life as she wishes. This should have happened years ago. You are far too advanced in life to still cling to your parents in this way, and to expect them to be still thinking of you. Get on with your life, and grow up. I know this sounds harsh, but its time someone just says it out loud. How much longer are you still going to be mommy’s little girl? If you are in such need of consolation and support, then turn to God like your father did. Don’t feed on mom. Sorry to hurt you, but you need it. From a concerned Christian missionary and pastor who knew your dad well, and know that he would definitely not approved of your attitude.

      Reply
  4. Motherhood & Maternity's avatar
    Motherhood & Maternity
    May 9, 2007 at 9:44 am

    Motherhood is not a simple, but unqiue time in life. It changes so many things and the way how you see the world. It is interesting to participate in the experiences of other women.

    Cheers
    Lisa

    Reply
    

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