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I don’t normally enjoy your column…

by Rod Smith

Dear Rod,

I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t normally enjoy your column! The reason is that you tend to be too judgmental and autocratic. Maybe you are thinking now that I’m being defensive and reactive because your answers touch a soft spot with me. You may very well be correct but I believe the reason is because nothing is ever so definite and ‘black and white’ in any relationship. Though we always do feel as though this is true – the old big, fat ego again.

I have attached one of your previous column’s which my boyfriend put next to my bedside and gave some of our friends a copy to ‘prove’ to them that I was such an awful person and exactly what you had written applied 100% to me. Very hurtful!

I wrote that letter to our psychologist who we were seeing for help in our relationship. I now go alone as he says I am the one with the problems, I am the one that needs to change and he is perfect – yes, 100% correct and with no personality flaws.

With regards to today’s question and answer: I do identify with this woman as my boyfriend does attack, insult, character assassinate and yell at me. a couple of months ago I used to react equally as provocatively and angrily. I now do not react as I have realised it is when he is inebriated, worrying about his Mom who has cancer, or his business which is in dire straits or all of the above. This by no means justifies his behaviour but at least I am not perpetrating the behaviour or getting caught up in the lose-lose situation. He inevitably calms down and carries on as though nothing has transpired.

His ‘good’ side is 80% of the time and he is the most generous, affectionate, fun-loving, passionate man I have ever known so it far out-weighs the dark side!

However, I have stayed in destructive relationships prior to this for the simple reason that I have had to believe and ‘buy’ and allow the verbal abuse – e.g. I am stupid, argumentative and have serious mood swings for no rhyme or reason – because if I didn’t I would have to walk away because nobody can believe they are loved if someone accuse you of these atrocities and they are NOT true. Do you understand the logic here? I’m finding it difficult to articulate. I just mean you have to buy into the story so that you believe the love is there and that person can help you change and then, only then, will the relationship work. Psychi of an abused woman?

Anyway the other issue is, to quote you, “Tell me what keeps a person in a relationship that apparently offers nothing but pain and humiliation?” We stay in relationships like this because it does not just offer pain and humiliation! We don’t discuss or question the beauty and joy and comfort and compassion because there isn’t a problem on that side and we desperately want to correct and heal the dark side. Also it seems that in some relationships we desperately want the roller coaster ride because without the lows and dips they can’t have the elating, endorphin releasing highs. another reason for staying or being ‘trapped and the victim’ is low self esteem – get them to watch Oprah’s show!

I adore all your advice re kids, parenting – single and step! Thank you for that! God bless and I’m sure you’re helping hundreds of people.

Reader
Durban, South Africa

Posted on August 22, 2006 at 5:56 am in Anger, Boundaries, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Therapeutic Process, Victims   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

4 Comments to “I don’t normally enjoy your column…”

    
  1. .'s avatar
    heavenandheck
    August 22, 2006 at 1:28 pm

    That is so right on the money. It’s unfortunate that we talk so much about the problems in our relationships that onlookers think we’re so much better off without our significant others. They think, “I never hear anything good, so you must be miserable all the time.”
    Ann

    Reply
  2. LikeThePaleLily's avatar
    LikeThePaleLily
    November 3, 2006 at 7:28 pm

    Hello, I have read both responses over and over again, and finally felt truly compelled to write in with commentary. First I want to say that I agree with you 100% that nothing is entirely black and white, especially in relationships. We are, as human beings, so complex, with intricate histories and experiences, interwoven with our dreams and hopes and terrors…because of this, it is certainly difficult to label any situation one way or another, without giving the person(s) involved a big ear and openly compassionate heart with regards to their personal circumstances.

    I also think that many people *do* jump to conclusions about other people’s relationships, when they cannot possibly understand everything that both people have experienced in life. From the outside perspective, you can’t always rely on what people say to be the entire picture, and jump to conclusions; but neither can people within a relationship always see its many textures, whether they be good or bad. A friendship, much like a partnership, serves as a mirror to reflect the parts of ourselves that we can’t see; as such I believe that either one should try and integrate what s/he feels is helpful advice, or otherwise withdraw commentary about the partnership from outside perception. Maybe the key to this kind of problem is to stop complaining to family and friends altogether and seek wise counsel through a therapeutic relationship or community.

    Moreover, I think that you have rightly defined many of the contributing factors to one partner selecting to stay in a relationship, although s/he is being abused in that relationship. Whether it is low self-esteem, lack of resources, or just the thrill of having drama (all of which most likely stem from past experiences and require healing), there are many reasons for staying and none of them is stupidity!

    However, even with all the ways that I agree with what is written here, I also feel slightly unnerved (actually, sick to my tummy and broken in my heart) to read that you still are involved in a relationship where you are verbally abused. If you have had painful experiences in your past, or have low self-esteem, or whatever it is that causes you to think that it’s alright to grow through this experience, then I beg to you seek help and get out of that relationship. I’ve experienced abuse from my family, friends of family, cousin, and ex-husband, and I’m here to tell you that it is NEVER okay for another person to berate, attack, or insult you. It doesn’t matter what kind of stress that person is under – if they react that way, then it is likely that they, too, need professional help so that they can heal. I’m not saying it’s their fault, but I am saying that it’s their responsibility.

    What is more, I was once trapped in the “desperately wanting to correct and heal” the dark side of not one but several lovers over the years. I finally learned my lesson, and in a very difficult manner. No one can heal another person – now that’s a fact. You can support someone in their healing process, but they have to take the initiative and do all of the work. Most relationships don’t make it out of the therapeutic process, although some do. Mine with my husband did. We have been married for over a decade now and he has never ever, not even once, humiliated, attacked, or berated me in any way. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get stressed and have to tend to working on his own anger, but he does that away from me, until he calms down. I’m telling you this because we all deserve healthy relationships, and I know from experience that they are as possible as having unhealthy relationships. You don’t *have* to make that choice – it’s not black and white like that. But you *can* make that choice. Life is intricate enough, with so many potentials for healing, that there are many new paths available before you.

    Reply
  3. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod Smith
    November 3, 2006 at 7:38 pm

    thanks PaleLily for your beautiful letter……. Rod

    Reply
  4. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    February 10, 2008 at 9:07 am

    …. thanks to you all — I am learning. I am trying to do a better job of being a little less certain ……

    Reply
    

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