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Reader writes about his approach to his girlfriend’s flirting… (inclusion does not necessarily suggest agreement)…

by Rod Smith

When I addressed flirting at parties, I had no idea I’d be bombarded with so many letters. I’ve edited this letter but a very little.

Here’s an interesting approach used by a reader:

“I have a girlfriend with a strong tendency to flirt with guys on social occasions. I made comments and received a reply that it is necessary for her to feel desired and that was the reason for it. I understood from this that her flirting would not be resolved by talking. As I am quite good at flirting myself, I have used every chance to flirt with women and ‘use my charms’ when my girlfriend was with me. After a few weeks she went almost mad. I am much more successful than her at flirting and she saw that the women actually reacted to my remarks. I cannot remember whether I’ve noticed her flirting again at all. I think she got the point. I think the best method to use is to let someone know the rules in a relationship are mutual and that you also can do the same as she does – probably better than she can. If the partner defies your views on flirting, then do the same and let him/her feel on his/her skin what you usually feel on those occasions.”

Posted on August 6, 2006 at 3:21 pm in Affairs   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

4 Comments to “Reader writes about his approach to his girlfriend’s flirting… (inclusion does not necessarily suggest agreement)…”

    
  1. Joe's avatar
    Joe
    August 6, 2006 at 7:58 pm

    I have used this same approach before for dealing with many other issues that I had, after talking too have failed.

    Her being late for (sometimes an hour or more) without a phone call? I’ll do the same.

    Likes to throw tantrums and then ask questions like, “Are you sure you love me?”? I did the same.

    I eventually did a few more, all using this tit-for-tat approach. And yes, it works like a charm, she normally takes the hint (women are smart) and then stops doing it.

    Although it does work, i’m still not too sure whether this is healthy in a relationship. It feels like manipulation, and worse of all, I feel that it hurts both parties too. Isn’t there a better way for the other party to have some feel some empathy?

    Reply
  2. Mike's avatar
    Mike
    March 25, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    My girlfriend is the same. I am not really that good at flirting. She doesn’t see it as a problem.

    As for tantrums, interesting tactic. I’ve started treating my girlfriends behaviour with as if she is a toddler, i.e. ignore tantrums and don’t let her get her own way. I’m testing this out so it will be interesting.

    Most people give up tantrums by at least 14!

    I’ve also started editing what I say because almost EVERYTHING and ANYTHING can end in an emotional explosion. I think she needs a psychiatrist urgently! I didn’t say anything today as I was scared to be verbally attacked.

    Does this sound like bullying or just a mental patient?

    Her dad threatened to beat me up too, and ALL the women in the family are divorced!!! Warning bells RING-A-LING-A-LING!

    What is really irritating is that she spouts about being compassionate and talks of “unconditional love”. I think she has a slight distortion of reality!

    HELP ME SOMEONE HELP!!

    Reply
  3. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    March 26, 2007 at 7:43 am

    Warning bells RING-A-LING-A-LING: people are often attracted to persons who are at similar levels of emotional development. Are you a toddler too? Now that you have attempted to assess the mental health of your girlfriend, you might take some time to assess the status of your own mental health. Being so focused on her instabilities appears to blind you to your own.

    Get some help for yourself, Mike.

    Rod Smith

    Reply
  4. Merrell's avatar
    Merrell
    October 25, 2007 at 9:13 am

    some of this may not apply as i wrote it in another column…..
    i’ve been reading these post in i find a common thread… people often feel its ok for men & women to develop platonic, non romantic, non sexual, no-interest relationships with PEOPLE THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO AS A FRIEND. Now i’m not saying that having a friend of the opposite sex is wrong, but it can be dangerous….. we are creatures of nature, in that i mean we seen to run toward those who bring us comfort, joy, love & satisfaction. I’ve seen all to often where a wife will slip out on her husband & he would never know. My neighbors wife Andrea, beautiful woman had everything going for her, but she would always make these advances toward me… & was serious about them, had i not been married & WITHOUT SPIRITUAL VALUES i would have given in because ultimately that is human nature. I would see her with him, she would be a different person rarely speaking, when he’s away she’s a flirt without letup. Now i’ve fixed a lot things at their home & she would always tell me her husband only knows how to use a cell phone & would laugh about it. (he 42 yo principal of a school that thinks he’s on top of the world… very egotistical). A man (or woman) does not have to be SOOOO confident to be truly loved, everyone is capable of loving toward when facing you, only true love is expressed when the other is not exactly looking at you & if they’re flirting in your presence, they will go further 9 times out of 10 when you’re not looking. Love is accommodating. If you tell your wife, girlfriend, lover that screw driver (he) or she’s poking in your rib hurts, love & consideration for your COMFORT will MAKE HER REMOVE IT & if she doesn’t THAT should tell you a lot about (1) her maturity (2) her self value compared to you (3) the way she feel about you. Talk to your wife, dont divorce her, dont return the evil for evil by flirting with others, that will really crush you because you know its wrong so dont become a lesser man by “paying her back”. Now concerning a girlfriend, you may want to consider a future with someone else because after you marry someone like this she will only get worse after marriage “IF” she’s (1) not mature & (2) see more of your imperfection & gets disgusted with yours, while ignoring her own……. People learn how to choose a real wife, STUDY that like you study a book……… For A capable wife, read Poverbs 31, i mean read it, read it. These things i’ve wrote works for me,
    take care merrell

    Reply
    

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