Wife flirts at parties and I do not like it |

Wife flirts at parties and I do not like it

by Rod Smith

My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?

It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.

Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.

Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.

Posted on June 13, 2006 at 3:21 pm in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Love, Manipulation | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

100 Responses to “Wife flirts at parties and I do not like it”

decadentgirl
June 13, 2006 at 10:45 pm

I think that is is innocent…she does want the people she flirts with. She wants the attention, admiration, and acceptance they give her. Those three things are what most women want. No need to be jealous…but that’s ALWAYS easier said than done.

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- jake
  January 4, 2010 at 1:57 pm
  
  I think what she does is very disrespectful and she should stop it. If she wants to flirt with others she needs to be single. It is not acceptable for somebody to be married and flirt without their spouses consent.
  
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- Anonymous
  December 6, 2023 at 1:15 am
  
  what rubbish u talking? innocent, seeking attention, acceptance etc.? what if the guys flirt back and this innocent flirt as you mentioned, turned sexual? Everything starts small and turned into big issue.
  
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Joe
June 15, 2006 at 5:37 pm

decadentgirl, I am in the same boat as the guy that started this but am not married,
what if she totally ignores me and she is using her hands to message and touch the guys face, neck, shoulders, arms and chest. Also what if she sits really close to other guys and touches him more than she touches me. now what am I supposed to think that its all innocent touching. What would she most likely do when I am not around

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
June 16, 2006 at 6:23 am

….. Joe, if your girfriend is behaving in this manner I’d suggest you have a traoubled liason, and you might want to consider your continued participation. She’s gone beyond “friendly” and her behaviour is hurting the trust between you…….. you decide about YOUR respondse to her behaviour and see if you want to continue seeing her or not. Tell her. Ask her to stop. Decide whaty YOU will do………. Write again so we can continue talking. Rod

Rod@DifficultRelationships.com

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Joe
June 16, 2006 at 4:10 pm

Rod, she says she loves me alot, would never cheat on me, and has never felt this way for a guy like me. She has had alot of one night stands but says she has changed and wants to be with only me for the rest of her life. She hangs around alot of gay men, the man she was touching was gay but still it is the thought of her touching another man. I am afraid to know but would like to know what she does when I am not around and there is straight guys around, I don’t know if she does anything. Whenever I confront her about this stuff, she starts crying.

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- Anonymous
  October 31, 2009 at 8:26 pm
  
  IMO ~ a straight guy is less likely to accept or experiment with a gay guy flirting with him…. where as a gay man would be more susceptible to bisexuality (even tho they may more associate as being ‘gay’). A gay guy has more ‘freedom’ to accept the advances of both sexes than a ‘straight’ guy would have just ‘casually’ accepting the advances of another man.
  
  I dont buy the “Their all gay, so its ok if we joke around & get touchy-feely” ~ Whatever!
  
  ok, so maybe because I’m Jealous of my wife’s flirting ~ that makes me the one having issues… BUT ~ if she really respected you & loved you ~ & you told her this behavior hurts you & angers you ~ she should respect that & try to change her behavior! my wife likes to dance ~ I blew a gasket when she danced with a neighbor while we were at a bar together ~ she knows I did not / do not approve, so when she goes out of town for work (sometimes for a week at a time) ~ the camera contains pics of her & ‘the girls’ at a bar / night club & shots of her with some other guy whooping it up! WTF??!!
  
  oh well … that is now why we are getting a divorce ~ after that, she can whore it up all she wants!
  
  Reply
averagedrinker
June 20, 2006 at 1:15 am

i agree that love and control cannot both exist in a relationship. what’s wrong with being friendly with other guys than your husband. maybe you have a problem in trusting your wife—which is attestable. i have a lot of guy friends but my husband does not disapprove of it. i invite him along and he willfully joins me in parties i get invited in. the ironic thing is that we met through wealthymendotcom. we both know that we know how to flirt around but we don’t fight about it.i think it’s because we trust each other.

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Joe
June 23, 2006 at 3:51 pm

In reply to love and control can’t exist in a relationship. What about respect for the other persons feelings knowing how much it bothers him that she flirts with other guys? He is supposed to be her best friend and companion in life and come first and vice versa. How would she feel if he was flirting with every woman that walked by him and ignoring her.

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Scott
June 24, 2006 at 7:26 am

I disagree with some of the advice. In a healthy relationship, the other person’s feelings are important. Flirting with other men is inappropriate where there is love. If you love someone, why do you need the attention from others. Something is missing in the relationship. Either she is not getting what she needs or she needs to grow up. I have been on both sides of the fence, it’s easy to stop when the girl you love asks you. Why, because she is the one I care about. All the other girls are not going to be there for me when I need them. To me it’s a small price to pay for the riches you get in return. One problem is, sometimes you let go of a personality trait and it goes unappreciated and backfires. Your needs are not met and you become less and less of who you are. This is a catch 22. If two become one and there is mutual respect and love, you live a great life together, minus the trivial problems. If anyone person loses some of WHO they are and the other is not there for them later, it’s a recipe for loss of self, control and eventually sadness. Good luck and God be with you.

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Joe
June 27, 2006 at 11:32 am

Scott,
That is a great way of putting it, I agree with you 100%. If he/she flirts when the other person is there, what does he/she do when the other person is not around?? That so called innocent flirting could lead to cheating and lying.

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Daniel
June 30, 2006 at 6:24 pm

She is testing you. Women test men. She wants to see your reaction, if you show jealousy you failed the test. She knows she is in control.
Capish?
What can you do?
1.- You can do the very same thing! Flirt with women in front of her.
2.- Make no big deal out of it simply say “oh so you are a flirty girl” with a big smile.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
June 30, 2006 at 8:48 pm

Daniel — please don’t call fellow readers by unkind names — I edited your comment…… Rod

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Christine
July 5, 2006 at 1:35 pm

My husband flirts all the time in front of me. He calls it “being nice” or being “friendly”. He doesn’t seem to recognize it as flirting. He is a handsome man and many of my friends have commented on his looks. They all seem to congregate around him and giggle at his comments. It feels like high school behavior to me and I am insulted by it. I am tired of the whole thing and have told him that while I trust he isn’t going to cheat, I still am offended by this emotionally and feel it reflects badly on me as well as him. I think it shows disrespect to me as his wife. I also think it steals something from our relationship for him to “share” himself in this manner. I am not feeling jealous, just sickened and annoyed. He has said he will stop and didn’t realize that it bothered me and seemed saddened and shocked that I confronted him about this.
Christine

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- G
  March 1, 2011 at 12:39 pm
  
  I think your marriage is heading for a bad place simply because you can’t be confident enough in your husband expressing his true personality and openness. Since you don’t think he would cheat, it seems pretty obvious you are just a general killjoy for the sake of protecting your fragile ego instead of just joining in the fun and appreciating him for who he is. It is YOU he goes home with at the end of the night anyway, and your “friends” would only get more excitement out of your discomfort, while they would be put in their place by your taking part and enjoying his friendly and fun attitude and then going home with what is obviously a man your “friends” would wish to have for themselves.
  
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JR
July 25, 2006 at 12:17 pm

Your wife is ultra friendly. If she loves you she’ll change. Only you should receive such affection. Set down the law my brotha. Its time to be heard. Shes your prize, your trophy. Protect whats your.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
July 25, 2006 at 12:36 pm

….. when women are regarded as possessions they ought to see a very large red flag and run a mile…….. if he loves you he’ll want nothing more than your perfect freedom to have many friends (men included) as possible….. Sorry, JR, women and “Set down the law” and being a “trophy” are attitudes that will not quite contribute to a long-term and healthy relationship…. I hope your trophy resists that approach too. Thanks for writing.

Rod Smith

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Tom Stickel
July 26, 2006 at 10:42 am

My wife and i have been together for over 20 years . We dated for five years before we got married . She has never been the type to show much effection or compassion . In fact it’s a rare moment when she even reaches for my hand or touches me . She’s a wonderful mother but our relationship has seen it’s ups and downs.

I have never cheated on her and i don’t think she has ever cheated on me . What is disturbing is that she has always been attracted to someone else and doesn’t hide it .

The problem i have now is that she loves to flirt with certain men in our social group , which makes it uncomfortable for me because i know i can’t change the way she feels about me and i accept that she is attracted to other men instead of me , but it’s uncomfortable when she flirts with other men because i feel like they look at me and think , ” hey i could have your wife if i wanted to . When she’s around certain men , she turns into this high school girl , her head tilts upwards, her eyes open up and she’s practically drooling, touching of the guys arm or shoulder . She’ll constantly be looking to see where that person is or what he is doing or what he is wearing . She seems to love just being around that person. It’s upsetting to watch because i know what she thinks of me and she never shows any effection like that towards me .

However , the strange part is that . She is the first person to condemn a spouse for cheating and talks about how wrong it is to cheat on a spouse .

It wouldn’t be so upsetting if i knew that we had something together, if i knew that she felt differently about me and was attracted to me . There is always a strong feeling that given the chance and the right conditions she would go further with these men. Not to mention that if someone else came around and would be interested in her and could provide for her , she would leave me .

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
July 26, 2006 at 1:20 pm

Dear Tom:

I edited your response because I have the joy and privilege of being quite widely read by some young people who’d be unlikely to benefit from the graphic detail that was perhaps useful for you to write.

I will repond to you in a private Email.

Thanls for writing and taking the time to tell me about your life.

Rod Smith

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Josip Broz
August 4, 2006 at 11:27 am

I have a girlfriend who has a strong tendency to flirt with other guys on social occasions.

I gave her some comments about it and received a reply that it is neccessary for her to feel desired and that was the reason for it, so I understood that it won’t be resolved by talking with her.

As I am quite good at flirting myself, I have used every chance to flirt with women and “use my charms” when my girlfriend was with me and after a few weeks she went almost mad (I am much more successful then her in it and she saw that the women actually reacted to my remarks)

I really can not remember whether I’ve noticed her flirting again at all and I think she got the point.

I think the best method to use is to let them know that the rules in the relationship are mutual and that you also can do the same as she does, probably much better. If the partner defies your views on his/her flirting, then do the same and let him/her feel on his/her skin what you usually feel in those occasions.

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top2002
August 18, 2006 at 10:36 pm

I wish my wife would flirt with other guys. I would like nothing more than to be doing her with two or three other guys. You should feel lucky you have a women with a good libido. You Know mid life crisis is when you realkize you should have married the woman that your mom told you to stay away from. Don’t get mad at her enjoy the ride….

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Anonymous
August 21, 2006 at 11:55 am

Why get married? Correct me if I am wrong but I thought marriage was a 1 on 1 committed relationship. Everyone has their own opinion on what a marriage should be. (Edited this comment – I considered it unsuitable for the many younger people who visit this site. Rod Smith)

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Mark
August 24, 2006 at 9:20 pm

I have been married for over 20 years and my wife had flirted with other men by extensive hugging, kissing (close to mouth) and quick remarks that felt inappropriate.

We argued about her behavior and she has always told me that Iam making too much of the situation and that I should go ask the other guy what he meant by his remarks.

Now we are arguing about her recent “incocent” contact to her ex-high school boyfriend” to catch up on the past via classmates.com.

what do I make of this person?

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John
August 25, 2006 at 11:19 pm

I’m married, but flirt with other women that I’d like to sleep with. Your wife might be like me, or she might have different feelings or motivations. Only she knows her desires. I’ll be the first to admit that cheating is wrong. So is flirting outside of a marriage. Whether or not she acts on her fantasies, she’s the one who’s wrong here.

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Mark
August 28, 2006 at 12:00 pm

Thanks John,

Makes a lot of sense and yes you are also correct in saying only she will know what’s on her mind. This constant guessing and wondering is not healthy for me however. I feel my trust for her is being erroded by her suspicious behaviour.

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love guru
September 1, 2006 at 5:34 am

let her enjoy

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A
September 14, 2006 at 11:22 pm

Youre kidding me people. Having your wife respect your feelings is not control, it is called being married. If she needs to have her hands allover others and you have told her you do not appreciate it and are not cool with it, lose her man. She sounds like many women who NEED the acceptance of others to feel good about themselves, which MAY lead to other things as she obviously is not concerned with your acceptance in social situations.

(I edited the foul language and comments of clear disrespect this comment revealed regarding women and left the essence of his comment: Rod)

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Adam
September 17, 2006 at 5:41 pm

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. In the beginning I was the one who was mucking around with my ex-gf because I was young and stupid and couldn’t let go of the past. Ironically enough I was repeating mistakes done to me years ago in another relationship. However, she stood strong and gave me another chance. Since that day something inside myself changed. It was almost as if this young woman instilled my morals back into me. I go out and what used to end with one night stands ends with me drinking with the buddies and me going home to her. No cheating in any way. No dirty dancing, no kissing, no flirting the whole nine yards. The only woman I want to be doing all of that with is her.

Now the exception, she has gone to her first year of college. She has moved away (not far, but about 3 hours). I don’t get to see her until every second weekend. I hardly get to talk to her because she is either busy with school work or going out with her friends there (which I hate are mostly guys). She parties pretty much every weekend there. I have never really met the guy friends per se. I don’t know their personalities, etc.

And it’s been giving me the uneasy feeling for a few weeks now. Alot of people I talk to say “She’s been with you this long she would have cheated on you already.”
Or she tells me straight forward that she loves me and would never do such a thing.

But I can’t always believe that, I dated another woman years ago that we ended up in a long distance relationship, and basically after barely a year she came back one summer and didn’t want to spend time with me anymore at all and was always saying, “I am going to work”, “Scott this”, “Scott that”…blah blah blah…next thing I know BAM She is with Scott.

I would give her everythign to make her happy and I would fight to defend her if I had to and no other woman has ever made me do this. But why can’t I drop my feelings of butterflies when I am not with her? I think stupid things that she is going up to another room not to hang with her friends but to go do somethgng more devious. Or she’s leaving things out and the reason why I think it is because our relationship started out rough. Tit for tat is what my brain is always telling me, “You did it to her so one day she is gonna do it to you.”

And if she did that would hurt the most, but when she is telling me she misses me, loves me and I have nothing to worry about and I am the only one she wants to be with. Why can’t I believe it and stop feeling this way?

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Tom
September 18, 2006 at 1:03 pm

Adam,
I am in that same boat, I think stupid things when she is not around, the only thing different is that the girl lives with me. As soon as you find out the answer, I would like to know. I too believe what goes around comes around and I have confronted my girlfriend about the way I feel and she says I feel that way because I have cheated on girlfriends in the past and that is why I get all of these stupid things in my head. She also says she would not cheat on me, loves me, wants to marry me and start a family and spend forever together, but I have the same butterflies when I am not with her always wandering what she is doing and who she is with. It is getting easier to deal with though now that she is opening up to me more and her stories check out.

I know I hate those feelings too. Alot of things go racing through your head like rage, pissed off, uneasy, pain, and happiness all within a few minutes and it just keeps cycling over and over until I am with her again.

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Tom
September 18, 2006 at 1:12 pm

Also she has told me the more I worry and show what she calls insecurity and jealousy, the more I am pushing her into leaving me. I am trying to let things flow and see what happens.

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Adam
September 18, 2006 at 8:15 pm

You know, I am tryign to do the same things, I realize I am gettign insecure and jealous and I am trying to not let it consume me and act irrationally. But for the love of god…we’re together make the effort to make me feel as special as I make you feel.

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Adam
September 18, 2006 at 8:28 pm

Tom, we spoke on the phone together yesterday (that good ol long distance thing) and I basically. In a calm and rational voice. Laid it out on the table, I said why I was acting the way I was, I said how it looks from my end, and basically asked the questions so she could actually ponder the consequences of her actions through even the most insignificant of things. In a nutshell, what if the shoe were on the other foot.
In all honesty I slept well finally last night. I ate a good supper. I still hate how this “Corey” guy does alot for her and she spends time with him, but I’ll see where that goes. I don’t want to act out irrationally on somethign like that…just old memories don’t fade away so easily..even if it wasn’t her.

Keep in touch

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
September 18, 2006 at 8:39 pm

…. Adam … you will see I edited and posted a rely to you as my last posting. Hope it is helpful. Let me know if you’d like to talk to me on the phone about all this…… Rod

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Adam
September 20, 2006 at 10:48 am

Well, I don’t have Skype Rod. Nor do I have an internet connection worthy of my standards (I have Dial-Up). I do however just need to get this stuff of my chest constantly. I always would prefer it was her I was talking to, but I have random times when I need to get it off my mind so she might be in class, etc. I can’t find the response you mention though.

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Adam
September 20, 2006 at 10:52 am

HAHA I found it.

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Tom
September 20, 2006 at 10:57 am

Adam, what did you find? The answer to your question

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Adam
September 21, 2006 at 7:34 am

The reply Rod was speaking of.

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rudy
September 22, 2006 at 11:32 pm

Hi, my name is rudy. My wife seems to light up over all men. T.V guys, strangers, ect. She denies it but it is very obvious. The most important thing is that I feel badly when I point out her flirty behavior. My wife doesn’t want to hear from me during the day so she doesn’t want calls to see how she is doing at work. I’m not sure what to write, feeling bad.

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Clint
September 26, 2006 at 12:37 am

If your wife is doing this infront of you what do you think she is doing behind you back?

(I, Rod Smith, edited Clint of his foul content — I kept the essence of what his comment. He has a voice here, it is the manner in which he chooses to be uncouth that I removed).

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joe
September 26, 2006 at 12:03 pm

Rudy,
I hate to say this, if she doesnt want you to call her at work to see how she is doing, maybe she is not at work or is involved with someone at work. Does her take home paychecks account for the amount of hours she is at work or does she have alot of vacation time on them that you thought she was at work?

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terry
October 9, 2006 at 1:38 pm

My wife has been spending too much time with her girlfriend at college. She always use to call me, we used to talk and now all I here of is about her friend.

Now she’s even wanting to stay the night at her house which is rented out by a bunch of college students.

She doen’t call me and hardly talks to me. Is this marraige in trouble or what?

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Hitman
January 15, 2007 at 7:01 pm

Rod take the guys side for once. These fella’s are making sense and you are making excuses for the women who cheat.

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Hitman
January 15, 2007 at 7:06 pm

Terry, yes my friend.
Your marriage is in trouble. Being very truthful here. If you were still special to her she would call more. Now her topic of choice is not you but her “FRIEND”. See it for what it is man. Wish you well.

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Hitman
January 15, 2007 at 7:12 pm

Rudy, If she is not listening then I would stop calling her during the day for about 2 weeks. Two things can come of this.
1. She will not want or miss your calls. You now know the truth that her love is gone and it is all about you moving on with your life.
2. She will want to talk. You can mark your territory in this conversation and state how much her fantasties of other men bother you. This will work 100% I promise. Love will be refreshed.

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roger
February 2, 2007 at 12:59 pm

Sorry this is so long.

First of all, my girlfriend is on anti-depressant drugs that are expensive and gets medical through the county so she cant make over a certain amount of money per month, so right now she chooses not to work because she can get her prescription for a dollar.

What would you do with a girlfriend of about a year, hasn’t worked for about 8 months, she usually stays home for the most part and does whatever she wants but when she starts running around all day and hanging out with guy friends (most if not all of them are gay, she doesn’t get along with girls). I get upset because I have to work all the time and she gets to play and have no responsibilities. When she starts going to her friends house alot and I get mad and say I wish I could run around all day and not work, she gets mad and calls me jealous and that I need help. I have caught her in little lies before like she is trying to quit smoking and I know her pack is almost out and somehow there is a new pack laying around and when I confront her about it, she says she had packs laying around in her car….she has used that excuse alot, eventually she told me that she bought them and she didn’t want me to look at her as a failure for not being able to quit. There was a couple times when we got into a fight, she said she is going to the store and goes over to one of her friends house to smoke pot to calm her down- which she knows that I hate. She eventually tells me this but I told her that it makes me mad and that the little lies could possibly lead to bigger lies, she says that it is stupid stuff to worry about and would never cheat on me. She has told me that after one last time she would quit smoking pot to find out a couple weeks later that she did it.(She quit smoking pot everyday to every once in awhile for me and will try to work on quitting it for good) She has told me that she went to the store and get a haircut but she didn’t have enough money so she didn’t buy anything at the store or get her haircut, later that night I found a bag of pot and confronted her about it. She said she went and got that and didn’t go to the store. I asked her at any point did she think of me and how much I hate pot before leaving the house, she said yes but once she left she said she is gonna do what she wants and she wanted to go get a bag of pot. I dont know what to do, I am so pissed that she has lied about small things and she smokes pot, but says she loves me and wants to be with me forever.

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M
May 9, 2007 at 12:40 pm

I disagree with the comments made here. Being upset with your spouse for flirting is acceptable when you are married. It’s unacceptable, and any decent person with morals should know this. This (edited bad language) should be left to singles and teenagers — not to a married woman who took vows to be exclusive to one man. Opinions like the ones given here just show how troubled and unethical this country has become. Telling this guy to have fun at these parties while his wife drools over other men (edited unsuitable language) is some of worst advice ever given, bar none; Here is sound advice: she has no right to be (edited) teasing other men while married to you. Sit her down… if she really loves you she’ll stop; otherwise, dump her and find someone with some morales. Anyone who says flirting is harmless is full of it and just as untrustworthy as the next. I speak from experience… when you let a flirt go too far it’s bound to explode in your face.

Thanks for your comment, M…… please watch your language on my site — seems you have some anger issues to face — then you might be able to see the reasonableness of my response……. Rod

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roger
May 15, 2007 at 12:56 pm

I too have to agree with M. I have been there. Where your girlfriend takes the flirting so far and than the next thing I knew, she dumped me and is going out with the guy she was flirting with. And than women wonder why we have trust issues with them. They say that was a different girl, I am not that girl, only to find out later that she actually is that girl. This is not one sided, men do the same thing. It would be great if no one lied to each other or used each other unless the other person knew ahead of time as to what they were getting into like just sex or a relationship.

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c
May 17, 2007 at 10:59 am

I would say be careful to anyone letting your wife do that. I was the most trusting of husbands and knew ( I thought ) it was innocent flirting. The first time that i am not with her at the party, she has sex with another guy and blames it on being drunk!! Wow this is a great time in my life let me tell you!!!!!

(Edited graphic language from this post: Rod)

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Roger
May 18, 2007 at 11:17 am

C….I was kind of in the same situation. We were in an on off relationship. Were apart for a day and she went out with one of her ex boyfriends (told me they are only friends because she wants me) she spent the night, woke up the next day and had sex with him. We talked on the phone that day and I asked her what she did and she told me, I asked her why she did it and she said she woke up and thought it was me holding her. I said B.S. at what point did you know it wasn’t me and continued to still have sex with him. I went out with her for awhile and cheated on her…(not that this is right, I do regret it now) and broke up with her. She called me 3 years later and said she was married and divorced because he cheated on her and she wanted to see what I was up and to see if I really was serious with my new girlfriend. I finally got it out of her that she wanted have sex with me again because I was good. So she wanted me to cheat on my girlfriend with her. I stayed faithful.

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Roger
May 18, 2007 at 11:18 am

I hate when people use alcohol and being drunk as an excuse. I have been really drunk before and still know what I am doing or getting into.

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anynyomous
June 7, 2007 at 9:02 pm

I know you guys have problems, but get this…my girlfriend lied about having leukemia to get sympathy and to make me feel like I was important to her I guess. Not only was that screwed up, but she used to hang out with this drug dealer character who was always with girls, and she claimed that the guy was her best friend and that she understood him differently than anyone else (he was doing her on the side)…Talk about hurt from my first girlfriend and the girl I lost my virginity to. Suicide definitely crossed my mind when i found all this crap out.

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mike101
September 4, 2007 at 7:27 pm

First off, every relationship is different, and bounderies are a very personal choice. Some people don’t appreciate their partners dancing with strangers while others have orgies together. What you have to define to your partner is what behavior you consider inappropriate. If you can refrain from that behavior yourself, you can expect it from your partner. Nobody is forcing them to be with you, and they can choose whether a relationship with you is worth your conditions or not. So in this case; if your wife believes personal freedom is more important than your feelings then you were not meant to be, period. On a side note, I would have to disagree with Rod on one thing. Heavy flirtation while in a commited relationship (in western society) is *generally considered disrespectful to any spouse. In certain circles its not a big deal, but more likely than not it will belittle your spouse in the public eye. An obvious reason for this is the fact that people flirt for something, whether its a sexual drive or attention. By flirting you are showing that your needs are not being fullfilled, ie your partner isn’t enough for you. Most people would take offense to this.

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mike101
September 4, 2007 at 7:31 pm

Communication and respect for a partners feelings would be a much more mature and responsible way to deal with feelings of unfulfillment.

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Janet
September 4, 2007 at 9:18 pm

I am in a relationship where my lover thinks that it is ok to flirt, I feel very hurt about that. I feel once you are in a committed relationship the flirting should cease. It is disrespectful and I certainly would not do it to them. My love is too strong for me to even think or want to flirt with others. Flirting shows a sexual desire or interest in some one else and it is hurtful to the one you love. I am totally against it.

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Robert
September 12, 2007 at 2:45 am

My girlfriend/mother of my child, who is 30 years old and extremely beautiful – used to model and was known in Los Angeles as a party girl – goes way beyond simple flirting. Stomach touching, back rubs, sitting on bars with legs open while running fingers through someone’s hair, etc. This behavior has landed me in JAIL a few times over the past few years. We have a great relationship until we reach a certain level of alcohol consumption. I understand that this behavior was COOL as a single, footloose and fancy free young lady. But to act this way in a committed relationship is really wrong. After being released from the holding tank, we’ve discussed this and it’s clear that it’s not proper behavior and shows a complete disrespect for me in many ways. For a lady to say that this is innocent and that she has no intentions of sleeping with anyone is a crock of you know what. What does the guy think? He may think he has a chance of F**king your girlfriend/wife. Not to mention making your boyfriend look pretty stupid by acting this way. This sort of behavior sucks and cannot be tolerated.

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David
September 26, 2007 at 10:48 pm

Flirting is cheating.

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alex
October 16, 2007 at 7:24 am

Hi all.
I’ve been dating a girl who is very sexy. She’s got a aura that men like. Very bubbly. I have a problem that when we are at socials – she tend to ignore me and likes to have enthusiastic conversations with other guys – leaving me standing wondering what I’m doing here. I have 2 things going through my head. It’s probably that we have spoken enough over time – no news and therefor others stories are interesting, so it’s all innocent and that is fine with me – except that she mustn’t ignore me. The other mind wobble is that she’s looking for her ultimate ‘mate’ or my replacement. I have confronted her about it (last night) and she was very upset – even calling herself a slut! I didn’t want that reaction from her, I only wanted to voice my thoughts. It’s her reactions that has made me worry that I’ve in fact caught her intentions out and she’s thrown up in arms. We haven’t spoken since (well, only today). I’m not sure if I should just keep quiet and let her come back to explain herself or should I ask if she’s ok? I have to say that I’m feeling pretty good about confronting her and speaking my mind – rather than to keep quiet and let my mind work overtime with nonsense. Perhaps she would have liked to have been the more dominant at socials but now I feel that I’m the more dominant for actually confronting her. Anyway it’s a funny life.

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Merrell
October 25, 2007 at 8:42 am

i’ve been reading these post in i find a common thread… people often feel its ok for men & women to develop platonic, non romantic, non sexual, no-interest relationships with PEOPLE THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO AS A FRIEND. Now i’m not saying that having a friend of the opposite sex is wrong, but it can be dangerous….. we are creatures of nature, in that i mean we seen to run toward those who bring us comfort, joy, love & satisfaction. I’ve seen all to often where a wife will slip out on her husband & he would never know. My neighbors wife Andrea, beautiful woman had everything going for her, but she would always make these advances toward me… & was serious about them, had i not been married & WITHOUT SPIRITUAL VALUES i would have given in because ultimately that is human nature. I would see her with him, she would be a different person rarely speaking, when he’s away she’s a flirt without letup. Now i’ve fixed a lot things at their home & she would always tell me her husband only knows how to use a cell phone & would laugh about it. (he 42 yo principal of a school that thinks he’s on top of the world… very egotistical). A man (or woman) does not have to be SOOOO confident to be truly loved, everyone is capable of loving toward when facing you, only true love is expressed when the other is not exactly looking at you & if they’re flirting in your presence, they will go further 9 times out of 10 when you’re not looking. Love is accommodating. If you tell your wife, girlfriend, lover that screw driver (he) or she’s poking in your rib hurts, love & consideration for your COMFORT will MAKE HER REMOVE IT & if she doesn’t THAT should tell you a lot about (1) her maturity (2) her self value compared to you (3) the way she feel about you. Talk to your wife, dont divorce her, dont return the evil for evil by flirting with others, that will really crush you because you know its wrong so dont become a lesser man by “paying her back”. Now concerning a girlfriend, you may want to consider a future with someone else because after you marry someone like this she will only get worse after marriage “IF” she’s (1) not mature & (2) see more of your imperfection & gets disgusted with yours, while ignoring her own……. People learn how to choose a real wife, STUDY that like you study a book……… For A capable wife, read Poverbs 31, i mean read it, read it. These things i’ve wrote works for me,
take care merrell

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Ed
November 17, 2007 at 4:59 pm

Flirting is not cheating if there is an agreement beforehand that it is okay. My wife flirts with other men from time to time, but we have a special (one-way) open relationship. She occasionally dates other men for her own personal pleasure, whereas I remain totally loyal and faithful. This works for us, no matter how odd others may find it. I know some women are attracted to “bad boys”. So, too, are some men attracted to “bad girls,” although I wouldn’t consider my wife all that “bad”, just a little naughty from time to time. She shares all of the initmate moments she has with her boyfriends with me. It’s an honest relationship we have and we are very happy with it. Her female friends know about this arrangement and are mostly envious.

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Rod Smith
November 17, 2007 at 5:25 pm

Rod responds to Ed: Thanks for your letter. You are correct, your “arrangement” quite unusual, and my including your letter and my response, does not endorse your behavior, but allows readers to see how some couples choose to conduct their intimate affairs. You tell me this works for you, and I have no reason to disbelieve you. I am not sure this unusual arrangement will be enduringly acceptable to each of you.

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Bryan
December 27, 2007 at 10:07 pm

You are kinda screwed man if you married someone like this! I just broke up with someone that is JUST LIKE THIS! You just can’t win man, because if they knew better or was as loyal as you wanted you would not be having this problem in the first place so the fact that she is doing this even though you ASKED her not to and you don’t like it and because she is NOT responding to that, it is WRONG! I don’t care what anyone says, what if you did it to her? But in this case she just plain does not care about your feelings, she is being selfish and is not acting like she is in a relationship let alone a marriage, IT IS WRONG AND UNFAIR OF HER TO DO THIS TO YOU. BUT you are married so people are trying to be nice, not break up a “happy” home or marriage, but if you were dating they would say “Hit the road and find someone else” because the fact is IT ONLY GETS WORSE! When someone does this to you is a betrayal, it is wrong, you are not doing anything wrong! If your girlfriend or “wife” cannot be with you or make you feel good at parties even if you ask her then there is something very wrong, you are not on the same level or same emotionally, if she really loved you she would aologize and CONTROL HERSELF without you having to ask or get hurt or feel the way you do THAT IS LOVE! For someone to make excuses, “be friendly” that is 1000% BS MAN! Don’t let anyone tell you different, normally most people will find someone else because it ONLY GETS WORSE NOT BETTER otherwise she would not do this to you in the first place and would ALREADY be acting appropriately.

Now don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with HEALTHY APPROPRIATE FLIRTING this is normal, in the USA we don’t make our women wear all black and hide everything but their eyes! But still if the “lady” is flirting to the point where you feel ignored, neglected, jealous and hurt and you have asked her not to but she still does it THAT IS BAD NEWS AND WRONG MAN! ALSO NOT GOING to the party with her is WORSE she will do it MORE! For me I was so in love with her I overlooked it but it got worse and worse until finally I had enough and broke up with her just before this Christmas and New Years, YUP! I KNOW that sucks and hurts but you know what? I AM GLAD I DID IT because better now then later when it is too deep and too late. THE WHOLE POINT OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS TO BE LOVED AND FEEL LOVED not jealous or hurt and by your own wife or girlfriend??? PLEASE! Everyone told me that I should have broken up long ago and they were right I should have instead of waiting right before Christmas and New Years great that was TOTALLY RUINED.

But I already have a new and better girlfriend one that does NOT do those INAPPROPRIATE THINGS AND TREATS ME THE WAY I TREAT HER AND WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT LOVE AND COMPASSION! You should not be arguing with her she should care enough to control herself what she is doing is WRONG. But again your situation is hard and there is no easy answer because you are MARRIED. You can pretend or “TRY” not to get hurt but you will and it will get worse too watch…she will do it more and more and take it to worse levels and you will get more and more mad that is how it goes with people like this they are VERY SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE AND DO NOT CONSIDER YOUR FEELINGS THAT IS WRONG AND NOT WHAT A MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT so depending on how much this bothers you there is no easy answer or solution…sorry man….

I think people need to find someone that fits and suits most of their needs or it is doomed to fail and won’t last, true not one woman will be EVERYTHING you want or need just like no one man will be but part of LOVE and a RELATIONSHIP is to try to be what the other person wants or work on it at least…I honestly think we as men and women are totally screwed up in modern times, all values, morals have gone out the door, anything goes, no one needs anything no one needs a man no one needs a woman, everyone is so independent and strong, it is all messed up man and we have very little chance of ever finding the right one. Things today are not like how it was for our Parents I think we are totally screwed either way…the best we can hope for is to find someone that kinda sort fits most of some of what we like and does not piss us off or annoy us forever!

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Bryan
December 27, 2007 at 10:15 pm

I am actually very jealous of couples that KNOW how to be a couple at parties and yet can still flirt or be social in an APPROPRIATE WAY and still not offend or ignore or hurt their boyfriend or husband. YES THERE ARE VERY REAL AND EASY WAYS TO BE A COUPLE AND STILL BE SOCIAL AT PARTIES so don’t let the woman lie to you or make excuses. It ONLY GETS WORSE when she is not considerate of your feelings so she is being inappropriate and selfish so you got some real serious problems. There is no way of fixing it or anything, if you don’t go to the parties she will get mad at you and it will be more arguments, and even if she goes she will flirt even MORE because you are not there while you are sitting at home WONDERING WHAT SHE IS DOING, that is even worse. The thing is with someone that acts this way you are pretty much screwed man…SO yeah I see couples that act like a couple at parties and that is hard to find…I wish you luck….

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
December 27, 2007 at 10:22 pm

watch your language, please…….. Rod

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mike paahana
January 22, 2008 at 8:37 pm

My girlfriend does this. Everywhere we go she flirts with all the guys and it makes her look loose. (Edited by Rod)

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riley
March 14, 2008 at 11:09 am

My wife of eight years has always been flirtatous but open about it and in front of me. If the flirtation is inappropriate I tell her that I don’t like it. In the beginning she would say “oh I didn’t know” and stop doing it for a while. Later, in our relationship when she would place her hand on a guys arm or chest or thigh (if sitting) to talk, again I would let her know that I thought that behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful to me. Her replies changed to “Oh you’re just too jealous”. Now when I found her “I miss you too” string of e-mails and 100 hidden phone calls and confront her with them and ask “if it’s just platonic why do you hang up when I come in the room and make phone calls at 4am” her answer was “because you are too jealous and I knew you would be mad”. I may be naive but I honestly believe she has not cheated (physically), but the anger actually caused a lot of trouble (legally, finacially and socially).

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Ackroyd Drattit
March 15, 2008 at 7:52 am

I completely agree with those who think flirting while married is inappropriate. Flirting is not mere friendliness. It may be an attempt at manipulating you through jealousy. Whatever the reason, it always sends this message: “I’m finding this person sexually attractive.” If it is not possible for a married person “to have fun” without being sexual with someone else, then the flirt is either immature or doesn’t share the same values as the uncomfortable spouse. It is humiliating to have a spouse flirt, especially right in front of you, especially if that same spouse otherwise expresses disgust or distaste for the same behavior when done by others. Since flirting is almost always accompanied by innuendo, suggestion, touching, lots of eyelash batting, sexual allusion, and odd-sounding inappropriate talk, it usually irritates and annoys the other spouse if it does not anger them. My wife never admits to doing it and I’ve stopped accusing her and taken up action–instead of vain and jealous finger-wagging. I’ve told her my feelings, and now I leave abruptly, refuse to go places, invite her to go alone, and generally do not cooperate in my own torture and hanging. My way of dealing with it now is simply to avoid it and those situations where it arises, and if it begins to arise in other new situations, too, I’ll probably just leave the marriage. After all, I’ve recognized that I’m not living the life I want since it includes her humiliating flirting. I’ve experienced looks from the men that said, “I’m confused. Your wife flirts like this in front of you?”

Those whose advice to you is, “You are a wet blanket. Don’t rain on her parade; let her flirt,” are obviously clueless to how a passionate, loving person can feel degraded and hurt by the continual sexual flirting of the person they love. If these advice-givers would like their girlfriends and wives to experiment with sex, by all means they can have at it! For me it means that you have married someone who doesn’t share your values and doesn’t respect your feelings.

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Chuck
July 6, 2008 at 4:24 pm

Here’s my story, people.

My wife was NEVER flirtatious UNTIL I spent about 10 K on plastic surgery for her. This has been quite the double-edged sword for me. On the one hand she is more physically beautiful BUT has developed one hell of a flirtatious nature (which she never had before). Men are very attracted to her at her work and elsewhere. Guys email her telling her that they want to sleep with her. These are MARRIED guys, btw. She keeps on flirting (especially with younger men) and keeps ignoring me more and more.

I finally had it the other day and told her how I had felt. She had actually been gone the whole day with two of her co-workers (both guys). The one dude had bailed on her, she asked me if I wanted to go to the beach, I said yes, and the guy re-considered. I got dumped for the day. And I am her husband! She did agree with me that was very wrong to do and she promises me that it will not happen again. I want to believe her but she has also told me that she is not attracted to me but loves me and wouldn’t hurt me in any way. I WANT to believe her, we’ve been married for several years and as far as I know she’s flirted but has done nothing more than that. I feel rejected and dejected and VERY enraged. I’m not sure what to do about the situation. Our relationship is very lopsided right now.

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Putheara
July 18, 2008 at 9:50 pm

Chuck that’s one heck of a mess. First of all, what Ackroyd Drattit said is very true for us passionate lovers. We don’t have to deal with this BS of our wives flirting with other men and even going far enough to go out with them. I find it very inappropriate and immature to the point that it’s not worth fussing over anymore. Really consider your future with her and see whether it’s worth it. Can you live on like this? If I were in such situation, I’ll definitely leave without any hesitation due to the fact that people’s behaviors predict what they’ll do in the future. It’s not worth the hurt and problems that goes along with this mess. I’d say just talk to her and put down an ultimatum. If she doesn’t abide to them, just let her go. You don’t deserve to treat her so well to be played on like that. You have many other fishes in the sea and the perfect woman will eventually be yours if you leave this dump as soon as possible. It’s not innocent and you deserve something better. I feel ya brother……

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getreal
August 22, 2008 at 7:01 pm

pleez…. if the shoe fits, let them wear it …. sometimes suspicions aren’t always in your head….. far too many replies state that some ladies just need attention from other men. why did she get married? if she is not finding fulfillment from you as the man in the marriage, then there is a problem. first make sure that you are doing all you can to give her love and attention, but if that’s not sufficient…. there is a problem… and don’t think it is just in your head…she should be able to tell you as the man in the marriage to stop flirting, come home to her and spend time with her and don’t neglect her emotions… well, you as the other spouse in the marriage have the same entitlement… marriage is mutual commitment and sacrifice, mutual give and take. if one side isn’t on that page, divorce has got to be a real consideration.
that’s real. you must be devoted and loyal to your wife and listen to her and respect her emotional needs and to make her feel secure about you and the relationship. and, she must do the same for you. that’s what distinguishes a marriage from the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. if one of you isn’t willing to give what marriage requires, then it is time to move on to someone out there who does respect the institution of marriage…. blessings and peace to you fellas

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Andy
November 30, 2008 at 8:28 pm

I found this blog while looking for something online relating to my own (semi-ended) situation. Maybe my story will help other guys make decisions before its too late.

Anyway my partner of 4.5 years and I split up about 5 months ago. We have a 3yo child and were extremely happy for a good portion of that time. I always had my own life and also shared quality time with my lady, so things were good. Her firtatious nature wasn’t obviously evident. But after she had an illness which put her in hospital for a while (our son was 6mnths old), things slowly changed. She became moodier and more demanding, and me wanting to support my family started dropping parts of my life to cover the elements that were lacking. I spent a all of my savings setting us up in new house and home a year and a half ago, hoping that this would help her become more productive again (she was studying a degree part time) and hopefully more motivated around the house while I worked 9 hr days. Anyway she discovered facebook and spent more and more time online during the day, ( I know this because I ended up putting spyware software on the notebook she was using) and resented doing house tasks especially while I was home. Of course I did what i could but she became more and more distant, started speaking about random people i had never met and all of a sudden had a new set of friends. I became so suspicious that i ended up checking her facebook account and noticed random emails to guys with things like “… i was so nervous meeting you”. I didn’t confront her about it because I felt bad having even pried, but at least I knew she was online chatting up to 5 hrs a day while I was at work. I brought up the fact that she might be online too much (without revealing how I knew) but of course her fiery emotional attack style defences appeared in any discussion of lifestyle change and my resentment grew to where i ended up seeking some sort of fling online (which never actually eventuated). Then one day twisted karma came around and she confronted me about my emails which she had read (little did I know she knew my passwords). We discussed things and had seemingly become closer again but it was very temporary and she became more and more venomous to me until I reacted and screamed at her to leave (i meant just go outside and cool down) but of course she took it as me breaking up with her and moved back into our old house that weekend.
I was very upset, hating both her and myself, while trying to be a strong dad for my son, who had obviously seen some nasty moments during the last 3 months we were together.

Anyway due to our child we have had so see each other a lot and do make an effort at ‘family time’ for his benefit. Unfortunately though she has latched onto a lot of my friends through facebook, doing things like asking my brothers out for drinks, and at a recent dance event where I dj’d was flirting like crazy with other guys in front of me, always going out on the weekends while I have custody of my son. It has been very hard to let go of the idea of maintaining a family and working through issues as my parents were such good role models that way. I noticed a little while ago that my ex’s friends with kids were pretty much all single (were talking 5-6 mums from mostly broken homes) thinking they could do better in their lives, leaving their husbands and going on about how successful they would be in their careers and future love’s. To me it all seemed really shallow, derogatory to honest men truly wanting a strong family unit and although probably somewhat jaded my opinion may be, makes me question a lot of things. I can only hope that I find someone more suitable and that my ex realises some of her shortcomings and the effect our breakup will have long term on our child.

My advice to anyone, if it doesn’t feel right, it most probably isn’t.
Go with your gut instinct.
Be honest.
Always keep a part of yourself even within the tightest of relationships.

By all means don’t just let things slide and sit at home stewing on things like rod suggests. We are guys we are nothing if we can’t take action of some sort or another. If a woman is too self involved to see the truth move on instead of trying to change someone. If she’s true to you she’ll be a boomerang.

Best luck to anyone feeling the pain!

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
November 30, 2008 at 8:34 pm

Dear Andy:

I just received and read your letter. Thanks. If you’d like to talk I’d be happy to listen.

No catches, no gimmicks, no expectations.

Send me an email if you’d like to and I give you my numbers.

Rod

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Ackroyd Drattit
December 10, 2008 at 8:52 pm

To all you people who understand how annoying, irritating, and unpleasant such behavior is–thank you for responding to my posting and I sympathize with you. To those who think, as Smith does, that it’s simply harmless and innocent and “fun,” I’d like to say that since no one else at the dinner or party is doing it, it seems strange to me that SHE feels she should; last week, I could see the wife of the man whose hand my wife was touching start to squirm… No, sorry, Smith, your answer was a complete cop out. “I’d suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone.” It is not mere friendliness. Had I the time, I could give you a hundred concrete examples why I believe it is not. It is something else entirely. Perhaps “a test” as one person thought. It is certainly disrespectful. She has been for a long time on Paxil. I think that has something to do with it. Incidentally, far from being “friendly,” I see it as something closer to senile.

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Timothy
December 22, 2008 at 4:34 pm

The flirting thing seems innocent enough when it first starts to happen — but then, for example, my wife begins to openly flirt and make sexually overt and socially suggestive conversation with other men. I am then excluded from the conversation, and no amount of listening, smiling, standing by her side, et cetera changes the situation. Leaving the two of them to “relate” is my only escape. At first, I thought it was somewhat “friendly” or “her friendly nature”, but it has now turned into her covertly flirting with other men at the grocery store, at clothing shops, and whenever we are out together. She clearly wishes me to remain quiet, and say nothing in any conversation with the other man; she openly becomes hostile and defensive if I try to strike up what I think is a normal male-to-male conversation that includes her and I as couple, rather than her and him as what appears to be a form of “boyfriend girlfriend” dance.

Furthermore, she is extremely critical of me in public, makes rude comments about my person despite my continue assertion that I do not believe or think the way she is expressing to me. It is almost as if she is offended that I do not meet some stereotype of a husband or boyfriend she has had in the past.

This is very disturbing behavior to me. At a recent party, she spent 2 hours talking with another man, to my exclusion, smiling, touching him, flirting with him, sitting close to him. When this was all over (I had left the situation some 1 3/4 hours earlier), she came out of the other room with him and joined me. Afterwards, she told me “how much she liked Jan’s husband and how he cracked her up”.

I find this horrifying and disturbing. I have yet to talk to or discuss with her this behavior, and I’m trying to be objective and open minded. But … it greatly bothers me. And recently, when I try to have fun with her, she rejects me as a person and always states she has “something else to do” or “is too busy” or “doesn’t feel well”.

We have been married for only six months.

I am feeling lost here. Some of the suggestions made about “just let it go” or “discuss it” with her are good ideas. I don’t like the idea of “mirroring” her behavior — but I suppose if I went off with another gal and had a two hour conversation to the exclusion of my wife, with a nice looking gal, and then afterwards told her “how much I like John’s wife and she cracks me up” — you suppose that would get her to wake up? I expect she’d be rather “pissed”.

Is this a control kind of thing? Does she really feel like now she has a marriage that she can “go looking” to see if there’s something better out there?

The posts here were informative.

At this moment in time, I’m feeling like marrying her was a big mistake — was it?

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Lee
December 23, 2008 at 5:05 pm

I can relate to what you are feeling. I have a wife of twenty years and have been subjected to the humiliation of having my wife flirt salaciously several dozen times over our twenty years.. When I question her about such behavior she simply denies it ever happened. If it seems your wife is going out of her way to make certain you see her flirting it may be she is trying to make you jealous. Why would she try to make you jealous? Perhaps to help her validate your devotion to her. Perhaps she is upset with you and wants to give you a “gotcha”. It seems to me that if a woman wants to have an affair she would be more discreet. Furthermore I believe some women aren’t aware of how uncomfortable a man is when is wife or gf flirts with another man in his presence. It’s a kick in the nuts. Here’s an example of how I handle the situation. Recently our heating system went down. The guy that came to fix it was clearly a good looking dude. My wife couldn’t keep her eyes off him and had no bones with checking him out when she knew I was watching her. She made several “cutsey” comments to him. Fortunately the guy picked up on her flirting and went out of his way to ignore her. After about ten minutes I told my wife I some errands to run, I instructed her to pay the guy when she was through. I walked out the door and stayed gone until I was sure the guy had left. When I came home she asked why I left with a repairman in the house. I told her I was not going to stay around while she behaved like a hormonal teenager. Of course she denied every having flirted with the guy. I ignore her comments and refuse to discuss it with her. No, it’s not a perfect solution but if she is doing it to make me jealous, my leaving puts a damper on that. Hope some of this helps.

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SCOTT
January 4, 2009 at 1:12 am

My wife and I are young she being 21 and me 22. Only been married since july. We have alot in common, but she has no girl friends mostly guys. She is a video game addict online, she IM’s everyday and in front of me with other guys, even does voice chat and gets all cute with a hand full of them. Even met 2 of them offline one day I said it was okay. But I read a few of her pvt emails, in one she said if she was 3 years older she would have married one guy who was 10 yrs older than her, the guy was nice and didn’t take advantage so i guess it was okay. But she did hint she was missing something in her life, wanting more. I annoy her more and it opsets me. She even wants to go out more, twice without me but she stayed…..what should i do, or go for help….I am the mature one in the relationship, i clean up after her, back rubbs, you name it….she is my best friend….its driving me insane……..I am jealus…….

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- Anonymous
  January 29, 2010 at 11:30 am
  
  Just love her and understand that you are loved by here but she needs more than you can give her. You do give her the most important thing though, love. So let her do what else she needs to do to be happy and you all should be successful in your marriage.
  
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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
January 4, 2009 at 6:40 am

You will be the mature in the relationship when you refuse to serve and support her addictive, immature habits. Whatever is “missing” from your wife’s life will not be “found” on, or through, the Internet. Whatever is missing in your marriage will not be gained while you behave like a hired manservant to her immature pursuits.

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SCOTT
January 4, 2009 at 7:46 pm

ur right, but i just lost my job 3 weeks ago she now has 2 jobs, and I feel she wants more. I feel if I am not nice not more she will leave. For example her laptop mouse pad is scratched she is real mad, Talked loud to me, she seems less happy and depressed. I am sick of seeing her like this. If that sin’t enough when there is a holiday or special day things go wrong and are a let down…..what should I do…Its 7:30pm she turned on her laptop she’ll be on till 4am probably…the other day she talked to a few people online giving more perosnal info like pics she drew and added them to her myspace. she added 2 more male friends one being 34 and she is only 21…

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mafia
January 7, 2009 at 8:47 am

My husband of 35 years flirted openly in front of me. She smiled, hugged, patted, joked with other women to my exclusion. He always said it is my problem I should grow up. At first I thought he makes me jealous, It did. I confronted him many times. The more I said it the more he did it openly. With different women and later with the same woman. Last year he married that woman and left me after 35 years. I agree that flirting always leads to something else

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tiredgirl
February 17, 2009 at 4:08 pm

I agree that flirting can become dangerous, but sometimes it can be just plain flirting. i for one, have many more male friends than female friends. I find it easier to get along with them. My husband gets so worked up about them lately. I wont go into it, but Idid slip up and give him a reason (ONCE) to be concerned. I am genuinely sorry for it but it has been over a year and I still feel like he watches me like a hawk waiting for me to slip up again.
I want to be more respectful of him and just not flirt, but I feel like that means not having these people as friends and that hurts me.

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joseph
March 1, 2009 at 6:46 am

I will generally comment about flirtatious wives, my wife being one. We dont talk about it much although she has admitted to it . Sometimes I dont know whether I am making a big deal of it or not but I am currently living with one of my best friends from university days and we all used to be kind of close back then, I have always suspected that my wife has had a fling or even kissed this friend of mine. I have never had the courage to confront him though I have brought it up with the my wife and she strongly denies it. Whenever the 3 of us are together, my wife and friend converse and laugh out quite alot and throws flirtatious comment.s Recently she unceremoniously held him around the waist and he held her back infront of me and another colleague. I thought she had done that on purpose to probably get me jealous. I felt quite embarrassed, angry, disrespected, and all the negative feelings you can imagine. I ignored her the following day and behaved as if she never existed for a full 24 hours. The whole time she acted like she did not know why I had reacted that way. When I brought it up later the following day, she had been quite drained and very sad to a point of crying that I had treated her like shit by shutting her out for a whole day. When I got the courage to bring it up sh

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joseph
March 1, 2009 at 7:02 am

I will generally comment about flirtatious wives, my wife being one. We dont talk about it much although she has admitted to it . Sometimes I dont know whether I am making a big deal of it or not but I am currently living with one of my best friends from university days and we all used to be kind of close back then, I have always suspected that my wife has had a fling or even kissed this friend of mine. I have never had the courage to confront him though I have brought it up with the my wife and she strongly denies it. Whenever the 3 of us are together, my wife and friend converse and laugh out quite alot and throws flirtatious comment.s Recently she unceremoniously held him around the waist and he held her back infront of me and another colleague. I thought she had done that on purpose to probably get me jealous. I felt quite embarrassed, angry, disrespected, and all the negative feelings you can imagine. I ignored her the following day and behaved as if she never existed for a full 24 hours. The whole time she acted like she did not know why I had reacted that way. When I brought it up later the following day, she had been quite drained and very sad to a point of crying that I had treated her like shit by shutting her out for a whole day. When I got the courage to bring it up she pleaded innocence and claimed that was an innocent hug and that me of all people should know that there is nothing between the two of them as they had just been close friend right from university days and that it was her habbit to hug people. Recently my friend left his inbox open and I found that a good number of Love emails from 2003 to 2004 where she repeatedly refered to him as sweetie of sweetest of hearts or using “our love” in her sentences. I tried to confront her but again she denied and I could not press on because I could not divulge the source of my information She has never admitted to having had a fling with my friend yet I know it has happened, she says though that back then even before we got married that my friend has asked her a couple of times for a kiss and she turned him down. On the other hand I feel she has done alot to show that she loves me, she has given up her job in USA to come and join me in Africa, she has even promised never to appear flirtatious around my friend knowing that it gets me mad and she constantly reassures me that she loves me and that she would doe anything to make this work. My problem is that the 3 of us are going to live in the same house and knowing what happened between my friend and her makes me really uncomfortable. What should I do

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wow
December 18, 2009 at 12:43 am

Are you people serious…how is this innocent?
any girl that gives her attention to another man has no integrity or trustworthiness
I would never be jealous and I would never try to control but I would burn out on this girl so fast…
I would tell that she can do whatever she wants but sign this divorce paper paper first

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kmg
January 1, 2010 at 3:47 pm

My wife thinks it’s ok that I got home at a decent hour 1am and she comes in at 5am.
I don’t beleive this is a good thing and I was very upset with her.
Why does someone do this and not care it hurts someone else so much???

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- kmg
  January 1, 2010 at 3:48 pm
  
  Oh and I forgot to add, she was sickly drunk!!!
  
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roxane norman
August 2, 2010 at 8:01 pm

My boyfriend always flirts with other woman at parties he makes sexual comments to my friends and
even to some of my family. I talked to him about it and we got into a big fight over it. He said he’s just
having fun and I’m over reacting. He tamed the sexual comments but when there is an attractive woman
around he will start to completely ignore me. All his attention will be on my girlfiriend. I don’t even want
to go out with him anymore. it’s just uncomforable for me.what should I do

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Anonymous
September 28, 2010 at 2:45 pm

The person who says flirting in front of your loved one is okay, is a complete idiot!! It is not right to purposely hurt your mate. If you don’t believe me, go find a “real” doctor and explain your story. If he is a specialist, he/she will set the record straight, and either tell you to dump your spouse, or ask him/her to get help. Trust me.

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cuddles
September 28, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Anyone married (can’t speak for you others), who believes it’s okay to flirt with other people, ALL THE TIME, needs help. Trust me on this. My wife does it all the time, we fight about it, she denies it, I have a nervous breakdown. My doctor told me I should have dumped her long ago. Yes my psych doctor said that!! I threaten to leave, and all of sudden tears are spilling. Time passes, and flirting starts over again. Find out she has been cheating on me, we’d been married 25 years.

If you’re hurting the one you love, how can that be okay???

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bob
November 5, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Flirting is cheating, period.

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X
November 5, 2010 at 3:45 pm

My wife flirts all the time and I have confronted her 4 or more times about her flirtatious behavior. There have been several instances to where she actually kissed guys before on the lips and make comments like you are my second man. I have seen fondled by another man. I have addressed these but I have been accused of making it such a big deal. Sometimes men would jokingly look at me and make comments like I am going to take your wife home.

She said she loves me and she will never cheat on me but I no longer trust her. Her excuse, I’m sorry I drank too much alcohol last night. I do believe with the right moment and right time she would go further.

I love my wife but I no longer trust her.

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Bob
November 16, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Maybe this will give some perspective for many of you. My wife is quite a bit younger than I. We’ve been married 10 years – 2 younger children. She’s very charming, smart, beautiful, and interesting, and at the same time extraordinarily self absorbed, rigid and critical. I’ve been very successful in my business, and we’re fortunate to have lots of help and in many ways she’s been able to have an exceptionally unburdensome life because of that, and has the freedom to pursue whatever she wishes. But while you think of people as “cup half full” or “cup half empty” – for her its more like “what cup?” My friends and family think I’m an idiot for staying with her, and even her friends and family have called me, asking that I be the “mature one” and “not let her destroy her life”.

So by now you are thinking this sounds like another “her fault” story. But you know – a lot of this is MY fault. My wife had a life that appeared outwardly like a princess – that’s what I thought – but partly because of her criticism and partly because of my own personality and getting caught up in my business and career, she felt lonely, isolated, and alone. Neglected and miserable, even if partly her own doing, she thought she wanted out.

There are lots of other parts to this too, and other things we don’t have to deal with that others have written about – like the flirting and affairs and natural sexual thrill we experience for others who are attractive. I don’t know how we’ll end up – there are lots of things to work on. But I’ve learned that I can admire her, appreciate her, and feel genuinely as romantic and intimate with her again now as when we met, and she is a changed person, too. Not perfect, either of us, but at least thinking first of each other.

If your partner is worth keeping, then take some time to figure out what these other men (or women) are doing that’s meeting their emotional needs that you’re not doing. It might be they’re immature or selfish, but on the other hand you might be feeling so angry, distant, and sorry for yourself that you can’t break out and put your partner first. Try being a giver – not for what you’ll get back, but for how it makes your partner happy, and keep it up for a while, and maybe you’ll find your partner’s waiting to make your life a better and happier one too. It’s a pretty good feeling helping your partner happy if you can do it.

Not everyone is deserving of your love and giving, and you will have to be the one to decide about that. But you might be in for a fabulous surprise if you decide he or she is really THE ONE.

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Ron
May 19, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Wow. I read everyone’s posts. Very interesting.

My wife thinks I flirt, and I think she is being jealous. Some examples:

* a female friend overseas emailed me, to pray for her mother who was very ill. I wrote back saying of course, and that I’d love to catch up on skype. I showed the email to my wife so she could pray for her mother, but instead she was furious that I wanted to “catch up” with a girl on skype. I explained that her mother was dying, and that we used to be good friends. Not good enough.

* Another girl who I used to be good friends with came in from overseas, and when I spoke to her on the phone and said “Sarah!! I miss you!” with a big friendly smile – I hadn’t spoken to Sarah for about 2 years and we were cool friends. My wife was furious I said “I miss you” to another girl. A huge fight.

* I helped a stranger – a mother – to carry a baby carriage down the stairs. I apparently made her laugh, (I’m pretty funny) and my wife was again furious at me that I made a married woman laugh.

* We went water rafting with the some friends, and a girl in another boat took my hat off (I loove this hat), and I jumped at her to wrestle my hat back. My wife was furious and said that playfighting is flirting. I just wanted my hat…yes, we were laughing at the time, but I don’t feel I was flirting.

* When a girl is excited to see me, or says I’m really funny, or says they love a certain jacket of mine, my wife says that I let women feel comfortable to approach me and say these kinds of things. For example, we were walking down the street and a girl ran up to me and said “heeey!!! how are you Ronnie! This is your wife yeah! Your wedding was amaaazing” She acknowledged my wife in a nice way, and didn’t ignore her, but my wife’s problem was that she was so happy to see me. My wife wants me to be polite to women, but to exude a level of modesty, and act a little standoffish to show that they shouldn’t feel so comfortable to be all bubbly around me.

I could go on.

My wife says I’m being too flirtatious, or at the very least I need to work on becoming more modest. And I just want her to accept me for who I am, and not be so jealous.

It’s very painful for both of us. I now feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her in a social setting, and can’t just be my funny self. It’s caused me to be very depressed and I feel lke I have to be someone else. Unfortunately it’s depressed me so much that I’m not feeling love for her, nor excitement, nor chemistry. I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

I know marriage is about compromise, and I want to grow in ALL ways. Perhaps I do need to grow in the ways of modesty. There is no end in ones growth.

For her, it’s so painful because she believe I’m putting other women before the marriage. “You are putting other women before the marriage” She would say. She feels I’m not respecting her.

But I feel, if only she would stop being so jealous and accept me for who I am.

My wife thinks I flirt. But I don’t think I flirt at all.

To me it just seems we have different Values. I’m not judging her for having more modest values than me. But I feel she is judging me for my values. Bare in mind, I don’t even touch women unless it’s my wife (no honestly, I don’t believe in it). So I do have certain boundries. But I’m just not as modest as her, and it drives her crazy…which drives me crazy!

Please help! Any advice would be appreciated. We are really thinking of divorce, but we both don’t want it and would like to save the marriage.

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- Rod Smith
  May 19, 2011 at 9:48 pm
  
  Ron — read all over this website. I am happy to talk to you if you send me am email saying you’d like to do so.
  
  Rod
  
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Mr T
May 29, 2011 at 11:38 am

Such is life… Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without em. Always working hard not to become cynical, all comes down to upbringing, morals & keeping safe-guards. If I’d left my drunk wife unattended, our marriage would have ended 10 times already. Women are vulnerable – most guys can generally handle their liquor better and have good training as a bachelor. Having said that they know what they are doing. Beautiful daughters are generally better looked after – first by their old man, brother’s, boyfriends… and eventually husbands. Right and wrong for me don’t change for with intoxication. For the beautiful missus (wouldn’t have married her otherwise) she doesn’t always know what’s good for her after a few, as her husband I have to protect her. All women like the attention, that’s her nature. Given the wrong time of the month and a few drinks she can get herself in the situation where she could easily be taken advantage of – willing or otherwise – on occasion. By contrast, no matter how plastered I get (for one things aren’t going to work properly anyhow) I never lose my judgement. I see and tell it how it is. Infact i usually start spouting out my principals if a mate’s wife is being too lurid, I’m no saint, but I know where the line is crossed. Alcohol is the elixir of truth… for simple anatomical & biological reasons there has to be honor among men. My mates look out for me and and I look out for them. A man who courts another’s betrothed is scum. My wife knows very well that if she cheats on me, foremost the third party is headed for serious physical harm, if she cares deeply for another man the last thing she want’s is to see them beat up. This is one of the guards. I’d never hit a woman, but I’ll deal with any the man who would disrespect my marriage. This is the black and white truth of it. Everyone has their line, that’s what morality and values are… bottom line is – if she did cheat on me she’d better be bloody well sure I don’t find out about it! My wife goes and does what she wants when she want’s… I’m always there, no matter how tired to pick her up at the end of the night once I’m done for the night. If you test your partner puposely by placing her in a vulnerable position you are asking for it and tempting fate. By the same token if she’s off the handle my mates will pull her up before I have to… always more effective when a third party puts the boot in for you, you’re off the hook 😉 My message is… be the bloke I want to buy a beer. Be good, play good. Lead by example & reap what you sow. Woman need moral men, not wet doormats. Having said all that the fact I’m even on this site tells you I am one of the tested – thanks to all for reinforcing my morality and good luck to all good men!

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Anonymous
June 15, 2011 at 12:25 pm

At parties or bars, my wife will invariably strike up conversations with other men the moment I have to go to the men’s room or become engaged in another non-flirtatious conversation. I don’t think she takes it any further than the flirtation, but I am always a little embarrassed that she is demonstrating interest in these other men. I know it inflates their ego, as she is attractive and pleasant. Knowing how men think, I feel a bit violated by it.

I know that she knows that I am bothered by this. The one time I mentioned it directly, she said that she didn’t think I was that insecure.

I could certainly give her a taste of her own behavior, but it seems disrespectful to me.

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Martin
June 17, 2011 at 3:43 pm

This the best post on here:
Quote – First off, every relationship is different, and bounderies are a very personal choice. Some people don’t appreciate their partners dancing with strangers while others have orgies together. What you have to define to your partner is what behavior you consider inappropriate. If you can refrain from that behavior yourself, you can expect it from your partner. Nobody is forcing them to be with you, and they can choose whether a relationship with you is worth your conditions or not. So in this case; if your wife believes personal freedom is more important than your feelings then you were not meant to be, period. On a side note, I would have to disagree with Rod on one thing. Heavy flirtation while in a commited relationship (in western society) is *generally considered disrespectful to any spouse. In certain circles its not a big deal, but more likely than not it will belittle your spouse in the public eye. An obvious reason for this is the fact that people flirt for something, whether its a sexual drive or attention. By flirting you are showing that your needs are not being fullfilled, ie your partner isn’t enough for you. Most people would take offense to this.
Unquote

Ive been encouraging my wife to flirt. She gets a kick out of it, so do I. I cant believe the comments on here about what a marriage should or shouldnt be !! Its whatever the 2 of you decide.

Ive told her she has the freedom to do what she likes. The thing I wouldnt like is any lying. But if she found a guy (or girl) she wanted to bonk, and if I said it was ok, and they wanted to do it, what harm has been done?

Perhaps I feel very very strong in our relationship now, and I know that if she had some fun, she will come home to me.

Her father and brothers made sooo many negative comments about her body when she was young, and she is now slowly beginning to love her body. I’m buying her nice clothes, and I love her telling me how many men look at her !!! We were out together at the mall today, and every time she told me a guy was looking, I gave her a kiss! Its awakening a sensual, sexy lust in her, I want her to have the freedom to let that come out. since we’ve been doing it, oh my word, the sex at home is fantastic !!!

Flirt away, honey !!!!

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Concepcion
January 16, 2020 at 1:09 am

They may wouldn’t like to indulge in family events usually they
are needing to participate. A healthy relationship are
only able to be sustained when two different people
are ready to accept that they both possess
the to an impartial space for themselves. You need to consider the possibility that your
particular partner might be reacting that the other activities began to edge their
way into your lifetime, which she thinks are pulling you from her.

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Nav
May 15, 2022 at 3:44 pm

This was pretty bad advice
There is a difference between flirting and being nice.
Married people should not flirt with other people and to do so in front of your spouse is the height of disrespect.

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