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Daughter doesn’t want to go back and forth anymore….

by Rod Smith

Since I make it almost essential (occasionally I agree it is inappropriate) for both parents to attend appointments with me (even if the parent are divorced) when the topic is a child, I was faced once again with divorced parents of a young girl. Dad was upset. The daughter, they reported, no longer wants to visit him every second weekend. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her friends. Dad’s house is “boring.” All the moving unsettles her.

I suggest the parents consider switching houses every second weekend leaving their child permanently in one home. This way mom and dad would see the daughter as frequently, the child would remain near her friends, and her need to travel back and forth would be eradicated. An added bonus, which is obvious to me, involves the parents getting to know what it is like to live in two places and have to pack up and move every second weekend.

My clients were at first confused, and then furious that I would consider suggesting such disruption to their lives! Of course they had spent very little time considering how much children are “punished” and how significantly children’s lives are disrupted by visiting schedules that appear to be designed solely around the needs of the adults.

Posted on June 5, 2006 at 3:38 am in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Communication, Divorce, Marriage, Single parenting, Victims, Voice   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

3 Comments to “Daughter doesn’t want to go back and forth anymore….”

    
  1. Jeanette Rivett's avatar
    Jeanette Rivett
    November 11, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    My 7 year old daughter does not want to go to her dad’s everyother weekend anymore either. She has over the past year not wanted to go. The past 6 months she starts to cry usually around the Wed before she is to go and gets really upset saying “I don’t want to go to dad’s”. She will not say why exactly. I am worried about this. I think i know somewhat of why she don’t want to go. I don’t know what to do.
    Working together with her Dad about this is not an option for me. Can you offer me any suggestions on what I can do for her. She is way to young to have to carry this load arround. Thank you, Jeanette

    Reply
  2. Neil's avatar
    Neil
    June 8, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    i am fortunate enough to have shared care of my 5 year old Girl and 7 year old boy. They are with me half of each week and half of all holidays. This arrangement has ben in place since my daughter was just 1 year old. As the children are with both parents a good deal of the time, they feel at home in both houses and have friends at both locations.My ex-wife and I live 5 minutes drive from each other. We do not get along.

    In the past many care arrangements were made in the fasion of yours, you have custody and the child ‘visits’ the father every secnd weekend. I have friends and some neighbours with this arrangement and in every case bar one the child ends up seeing the fortnightly visit as a boring inconvienience. This is hardly surprising is it? These fortnightly visits are not designed to be anything more that a visit. The parent who only gets the children every other weekend does not get to share and bond with the child as does the main carer. All the childs friends and things are centered around the main carers place. This arrangement also becomes a trial for the parent who has the child every second wekend as their life is generally run without the ‘parenting inclination’ so when the child visits it is much harder to become the parent. Basically the care arrangements you have are not designed to promote a healthy loving relationship with both Parents and from what i have seen it makes it very difficult for the none custodian Parent to even be liked by the child as that Parent is viewed as an inconvienience.

    Instead of your Daughter not visiting her Father every other weekend it may change her life for the better if she increased her time with him. You would have to live at a reasonable distance from each other for this to happen. I myself am living 12,000 miles from the rest of my own family so my children can have a Dad and i am making the most of what i have to work with in regards to location and work opportunities.

    Neil

    Australia

    Reply
  3. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    June 9, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Neil:

    Thanks for your letter. You might see I have taken the liberty of editing it to 200 words and I have posted it as a column.

    Thanks,

    Rod Smith

    Reply
    

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