1. As parents, don’t fall for the myth that moms are more important than are dads, or that moms are somehow better equipped or “more natural” with babies and small children than are fathers. Such thinking robs all the participants in the family of fully enriching each other. Fathers are as equipped as mothers to care for newborn babies and small children. If dad is not, or does not feel as if he is, I’d suggest mom get out of the way so he can learn! This, by the way, is not something the mother ought to try and teach the father. He has to learn it himself with the baby being the only teacher!

2. Teach your child to handle reasonable tasks as soon as possible. Getting shoes, placing laundry in a laundry basket, taking dishes to the sink, are tasks even the very young can learn. Applaud accomplishments with gusto! The more autonomous (self-reliant) a young child can see she is capable of being, the more of a self-starter she is likely to become. Don’t do for children (or for adults for that matter) what they are able to do for themselves.

3. Talk to children, even babies, using real words, real sentences, employing a “normal” voice. While I am sure “baby talk” serves a purpose, I’d suggest it is easier for a child to learn to speak a legitimate language, in the first place, than to have to make a transition from mom and dad’s goo-goo-gibberish to the language of the general population.

4. Throw off the “third person” act: “Mommy wants Biggie-Boo to take a tubby-tubbby-bubby-bubby!” says a mother as if she is talking for someone other than herself in an unidentifiable language. “I want you in the bathtub” is a lot less confusing. Children need parents who understand what it means to be, and have, a strong sense of “I”. Use it.

5. Tell your children, even babies, what’s going on. It is a good habit to develop even if the child is very young. Including your child in matters pertaining to his life develops within you the habit of creating an environment of cooperation and respect. Treat your toddler with the quality of respect you’d like him to offer you when he is fourteen, sixteen, twenty and thirty.

6. Play with your young child as much as possible. Include lots of physical contact. Young children need to able to totally “let go” in a parent’s arms, climb over your body; dangle upside down while totally comfortable trusting in your strength. A daily routine of physical contact enhances a young child’s ability to trust and enjoy people and the world around her. Remember children measure wealth in time enjoyed with mom and dad, in walks, in shared sunsets, shared games and in time spent wrestling with mom and dad on the carpet.

7. Dump your TV, DVD player, games and all other forms time-wasting nonsense! Your young child doesn’t need a parent on an electronic leash, whose life revolves around what’s on TV and who is unable to enjoy life without a remote in his hand or a movie blaring throughout the house, Remember, you are the kind of adult your child is most likely to become. I am astounded at the number of parents I meet who never, or seldom, read a book, and who then blame the school because their child doesn’t read. It is you, the parent, and not the teacher, who is the primary influence upon who and what your child will become. Do you really want your son or daughter to grow up unable to enjoy life without mind-numbing TV and the paralyzing power of electronic games?

My granddaughter (under 2) and her parents are staying with us. The child screams: when she doesn’t get her own way; during the night when she wakes up; at bath time; for food; for attention. When I say scream it is so loud and lasts for so long it’s unbelievable. We cannot go to a public place. My daughter says it is in the child’s nature and she can’t do anything about because “it’s her personality.” What can I do to ease this unbearable situation we find ourselves in without hurting anybody.” (Letter edited)

Tread lightly. Making comment or assessment on another’s child (even if it your grandchild) will probably result in hurt feelings, even if what you say is not hurtful. Someone is not speaking up or standing up to the child so she is wielding more power than is good for a child.

If the screaming is rewarded, it is effective and will therefore continue. Both parents have to render the screaming ineffective or it will seem to be “her personality.” I’d suggest three days of un-rewarded screaming might break the child of this awful behavior. If mom and dad do this, your daughter might not feel so victimized by the child’s behavior.

see also:

difficultrelationships.blogspot.com

My son (16) will not immediately send thank you cards for all the wonderful presents he received. He drags his feet and gets it done only with the threat that I am going to tell his aunts and uncles to leave him off their lists in future. What do you suggest I do?

Nothing! If your son was 13, or younger, I’d suggest you insist he obey your instructions and do whatever you expect of him. At sixteen he is certainly beyond an age where you are able to decide what kind of person he will be.

I’d suggest you stay out of what occurs between your son and his generous aunts and uncles. He is old enough to know what he ought to do, and old enough to reap whatever consequences may result from his lack of common courtesy.

Do not fall to the temptation to explain yourself (or to explain him) to his relatives. Leave it all up to him. This is a good opportunity for your son to see that it is he alone who is responsible for how he relates to others. Remember, his not sending thank you notes reflects on him and not on you. This is about his manners, not your mothering!

Apart from the obvious, like your good health, success, and happiness, healthy parents usually want very little from their sons and daughters. Giving your parents what they want will certainly not over-burden any middle or high-school student.

Essentially, your parents want to know you. They want to be included. Involved. They want you to know them. They probably do not want you to be their best friend but they do want you to be friendly, thoughtful and polite.

What they do not want is exclusion from your life in ways convenient to you, then inclusion in your life, again, in ways convenient to you. Many young adults seem driven to be totally independent of their parents, while at the same time presuming to share in all the benefits as one who is totally dependent.

A simple challenge

If you sincerely increase your willingness to offer your parents your time, hard work, good attitude with regards to school and family, their demands (rules, expectations) upon you will radically decrease. If you pay particular attention to increasing the quality of your relationship with your parents, their demands will become increasingly flexible and you will enjoy growing and healthy autonomy.

This is not manipulation, a game or a trade-off. When you genuinely offer your parents an authentic inroad into who and what you are, you will be demonstrating your capacity to cope with the very freedom healthy parents want their sons and daughters to have and enjoy.

Don’t lie to your parents. Being deceived by people in your inner-sanctum is as painful as painful and shocking as being hit, from behind, by a speeding bus. It is disorienting and often results in permanent damage. Truth is a far more attractive currency than lies. No. It is not “natural” or “normal” to lie to your parents and it is not “part of growing up.” Rebellion is not required for separation and development.

Ten ways to know you are growing up …

1. You take responsibility for your academic progress.
2. You don’t look for someone to blame when things go wrong.
3. You take responsibility for your attitudes and actions.
4. You have high standards when choosing friends and activities.
5. You avoid things you know are bad for you.
6. You focus on giving rather than on receiving.
7. You apologize face-to-face when apologies are necessary.
8. You do not talk negatively about people behind their backs.
9. You save more money than you spend.
10. You don’t pout when things don’t go your way.

Copyright 2006, Rod Smith, MSMFT

My wife and I have had a wonderful marriage but I would prefer her to spend less money on our sons who are 18 and 19. They can be quite demanding but do not have to be: she spends money on them anyway! She becomes very defensive when I “interfere” with what she does with the money I earn. I think she spoils the boys and they get whatever they want out of her. My sons never approach me about money because they know I am more likely to refuse their requests. Any ideas? (Letter shortened)

Good luck trying to change this dynamic! This pattern did not begin yesterday and it is unlikely to be broken tomorrow. Tell your wife what you’d prefer and you may get it. The easier solution is simply for your to earn more money so she has even more to spend!

If you get tough and demanding, you will simply drive your wife’s behavior underground. This is an expression of your family’s way of life. Mom is the easy touch for the sons and mother knows how to handle dad. Enjoy your wife and sons despite the annoying (and expensive) collusion.