Observations for students who are studying the art and science of talk therapy….

You are working too hard if you – the therapist – are talking too much. It is the client’s hour, not yours. The therapy hour is for the client to learn about the client’s life and family, not yours. Listen to the client’s stories, avoid telling your own. 

You are working too hard and probably have an exaggerated concept of your role if you take clients “home” with you in your head. This does not mean you ought not think about your daily work at home, but it is an unhealthy sign if your clients are keeping you awake at night. Also, it is (usually) a red flag if one client gets more of your thinking time than another.

“Too much too soon” is usually, if not always, a red flag. If your client improves overnight, if your approach to therapy is regarded as “miraculous” or if your connections with your clients seem to be immediate. Try to be healthy enough to assess who is (unintentionally) misleading who. All authentic human encounters take time and patience and quick therapeutic rewards are probably fool’s gold. Pleasing the therapist or pleasing the client is not the goal of the therapeutic hour (or month, or year).

Willing, pushing, shoving, urging, steering, strong-arming, using charm, using unspoken bribery, emitting sharp glances of anger – silent and emotional bullying – can all be done, sometimes simultaneously, without saying so much as a single word. 

Lovers can do it to each other.  (“He gives me ‘that’ look.”)

Parents do it to their children. (“Mom, you are using your ‘be quiet’ eyes.”)

Children try it with their parents. (“It you don’t give me your phone NOW I am going to throw a tantrum.”)

Whenever one person uses such attempts at modifying the behavior of another, the target knows it, and will want to resist it, unless there are immediate short-term benefits. 

Playing along can have desired rewards.

No one likes to have their will, their freedoms, their autonomy messed with – not even for love.

Long-term use of such pressures (even if it’s “for his/her own good”) will be resisted, then ignored, and ultimately rejected. 

It is in recognizing and stopping such behaviors that people learn to leave each other alone is the healthiest sense. 

When people give up the pinning stares, their “be quiet” eyes and the “don’t you dare mention that” flick of the face, the targets will enjoy autonomy from controlling impulses and be free to explore who they really are, and, everybody wins.

When you are at the end of your tether….

You probably don’t need much or any guidance from others given that you have come thus far and succeeded at so much already. Trust your inner-reserves. Most people are more powerful and resourceful than they are willing to admit. 

Take a little time to remember your journey. Recall the skills you employed to overcome earlier hurdles. There will be much to learn from your moments of past successes that can be put into practice right now. It is the off-the-cuff stuff, the unplanned reactions, that gets most of us into deeper trouble. Take time to think and plan, Time is your friend, not your enemy. 

What would your mother or father say? What would your grandmother or grandfather say about what you are facing right now? Most of us can dig into our memories and recall a wise elder whose wisdom would be applicable, even years after their deaths. Tap into your memory and the end of your tether may be a moment of unexpected grace and success.

The answer to the dilemma you face – the end of your tether – is probably not hidden within a book you are yet to read or a speaker you have yet to hear. The answers, or the beginnings of a solution, are probably hiding within your deepest heart and awareness and waiting to emerge as you decide to do what is right and good and loving no matter what you face.

Baby Phillips was a week old when I drove to Hamilton County Court for a custody hearing and left the court with paperwork in hand and headed directly to the state hospital.

I settled on Nathanael and secured the spelling from the New American Standard Bible and the account of Jesus’ encounter with New-Testament-Nathanael around the intersection of 38th Street and Lafayette Road. I knew intuitively that our Nathanael would be edgy and gentle; I wanted his name to be both strong yet sweet.

I reached the hospital and a social worker directed me to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. 

What kind of baby will you reject?

Do you want to be his dad or not?

A nurse met me at large glass doors and led me on a holy walk among clusters of cribs in a ward that was home to at least a dozen babies – some were hooked to monitors and special lighting and humming and throbbing machines – in need of highcare.  My heart gave a little is-this-my-son skip as we approached each crib. Whispering as we walked, the nurse said my son was a ward favorite and said she’d watched Baby Phillips’s mother care, hold, love him, and kiss him gently on the forehead and then watched her talk with him and cuddle him, care for him until she left the hospital for her difficult life.

I recognized Nathanael when we stopped at his crib. He had the full head of hair I predicted. I spelled out N-A-T-H-A-N-A-E-L for the nurse who had flipped the card above the crib and wrote Nathanael on the reverse side of Baby Phillips and, with that, he was my responsibility and a new member of our family. 

This was my son and I took charge and so I stripped him and wiped him down, changed his diaper and dressed him with the baby clothing I had purchased from the K-Mart on Lafayette Road on the way to meet him while his name was still forming within me. 

I held Baby Phillips close to me and whispered all I had rehearsed into his ear.

You, little one, belong. You belong with us. Your name will be Nathanael. We belong with you. You have a home. You are not alone. I am going to take you to your house and to your brother. I love you. You will be loved by people all over the world. Nathanael, you are a gift from Heaven, a gift from God. You are not alone. As soon as the doctor gives us permission we are going home. Your days of being alone are over.

A neighbor brought Thulani to the hospital and, when Nathanael and I emerged from the ward Thulani greeted us with a cartwheel he’d practiced for the occasion.

News of Nate’s adoption did not surprise anyone and he was neither late nor early. 

It was as if he’d been wandering in the wings of the universe and decided it was time to come home. Nate slept soundly in his bassinet until we could retrieve and assemble the crib from under the basement stairs.

Nathanael was home.

I recently wrote about emotional maturity.

Using the criteria of emotional maturity, this list attempts to expand on how emotional immaturity manifests itself:

• If emotional maturity is demonstrated in the capacity to switch lenses, to see the world from another’s point of view, the immature person is fixed in his or her corner and will regard differences as evil or dangerous.  
• If emotional maturity is demonstrated in the capacity to report what is heard even if it is a point of contention or disagreement the immature person may refuse to verbalize accurately or will tilt content to his or her favor.  
• If emotional maturity is demonstrated in the capacity for objectivity, the immature person becomes locked into positions and opinions that protect self and self-interests. 
• If emotional maturity is demonstrated the capacity to see the differences among “I” and “you” and “us” and be able to differentiate each person from his or her individual role, the immature person will tend to lose all capacity to self-monitor or remain distinct when under stress.   
• If emotional maturity is demonstrated in the capacity for playfulness and for healthy humor under almost all circumstances, the immature person is likely to be all-serious, black and white, us and them, and see all play or humor as attempts to humiliate or distract.  

“My son and his wife seem to be really struggling with their relationship. They have only been married 7 years. I have tried to help by suggesting they each don’t work so much and that they don’t spend so much time on their phones and take little walks together. They sometimes go separate ways for weekends and holidays. They have never said there is a problem. I offered to dog-sit while they go out and spend time together. I don’t know what else to suggest. Please help.”

There is no doubt you are well intentioned and desire what is best for your son and his wife. I suggest you make clear to them how much you care and then trust them to find their unique path as husband and wife (or not).

It is not that I do not share your hope that your son and his wife’s marriage survives and thrives – but they may well be already thriving.

The issues you identify (if they are issues) are seldom solved by walks together or more time spent away from work and more time together. Something deeper is revealed in their behaviors that must be addressed – if these are problems to the couple.

Your son and his wife may be happy with things to remain just as they are.

• The world is broken: may I do my part and in my sphere of influence offer my contribution, be it large or small, to participate in its healing. 

• The world is exciting: may I participate in what it offers by engaging in community events and by serving others. 

• People are lonely and I too am often lonely: may I do my part and reach out to others and be a good listener.

• People are usually fabulous, hilarious, creative: may I embrace some of the many opportunities that come my way to meet new people.

• People are struggling in all manner of ways: may I do my part, large or small, and be generous and in creative and helpful ways, ease the burdens others have to bear.

• Possibilities are endless: may I have an eye for new ways to do “old” things and see potential others are yet to consider. 

• People can be hard and ruthless and unforgiving – may I be gentle-hearted and kind, equipped, ready and able to offer appropriate grace.

Families reveal strengths and faultlines, unity and divisions, humility and arrogance, during periods of change and challenge.

All families are tested from time to time as people grow, struggle, succeed, fail, and recover.

Births and naming of babies; deaths and funerals; adoptions; engagements and weddings; divorces, addictions and recovery from addictions, will put test to immediate and extended families and reveal their resourcefulness and metal.

Life changing events test and expose family metal – what the family is “made of.” 

Family metal is strengthened when individuals take care of themselves within the family, no matter what the family may be facing. 

You demonstrate your metal when you speak up for yourself and are clear about who you are and what you want. 

You show your strength and your integrity when you dismiss rumors and call rumors what they are even if rumors come from the mouths of those whom you most love. 

You add to the family strength when you listen to all sources of division without siding with any.

You demonstrate your integrity when you learn to move from reactivity and knee-jerk flare ups to thoughtful and caring responses.    

You become a source of healing and transformation when you take care of yourself even in the midst of family stress and trauma.