“My husband takes me for granted. He does not feel the need to make an effort to make me feel special. I know he is not the romantic type. I don’t want flowers and expensive gifts. He says he does not know about all this romantic stuff. So I show him: I slip in a message in his lunch. When I go to the supermarket I sometimes buy him a chocolate and put it on his pillow. I send him love texts but he is not interested. I do know is that he is faithful. Am I being ungrateful and petty? Should I just be happy that he is not cheating and disregard that he does not care? I am so fed up. I don’t feel like trying anymore. He also says I am fighting for something I will never get.” (Edited)

Apparently your husband is quite satisfied with the way things are – while you, on the other hand, are not. Do something about your life, not his. The passive person remains in control so stop working so hard. The harder you work on him the less he will need to work at all.

Read everything you can find by Harriet Lerner. Begin with The Dance of Intimacy.

“When my husband wants to do or say something he just goes ahead. He does not think of the feelings of others, especially mine. If he has an appointment with someone or if someone has an appointment with him he does not make an effort to be ready on time. His attitude is others can wait because he is busy. It upsets me a lot. I tell him that is not how people should be treated and he treats me the same way. He will not talk to me for days and treat me as if I am wrong. He will never ever say sorry and will remain like that until I go to him and apologize. But I can’t do this anymore.” (Shortened)

Since your husband’s behavior is clearly beyond your control, the only person left to do some changing is you. Take yourself (not him) by surprise. You cannot civilize your husband, so stop trying. You can refuse to cooperate with his selfish antics. So begin. Do whatever it takes for you to reach your full potential.

I am amazed at the volume of letters I get from women who persist in the belief that their happiness is contingent upon the cooperation of their husbands.