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“Staying the night at 15” column generates lots of response…

by Rod Smith

Yesterday’s column generated much response. One response (edited for space) appears below. To respond to points of contention: the husband’s role ought not be “less” because he has been inconsistent. His role is not “earned.” He is dad. Suggesting he has less of a “voice” is a cop out for a girl making adult choices. Contrary to what most teens perhaps believe, a teenager’s relationship with his/her parents is more important than any romantic relationship.  

“If I were the girl even being as mature as I was at 15, I must say that I would not ‘opt for what my parents preferred’ if they had allowed me to act a certain way for an extended period of time and then tried to implement a new rules. While it’s true that although the dad should still have some authority, it would be stronger if he were consistent with his daughter. Were I his daughter, I would be less willing to listen to him. Although 15 is a young to be sexually active, it’s not abnormally young and it sounds like her choice of partner is not a bad one. It would be a good idea for her parents to discuss positive sexual relationships and birth control — so she should at least be educated in the subject.”

Posted on August 31, 2006 at 7:33 am in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Teenagers   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

3 Comments to ““Staying the night at 15” column generates lots of response…”

    
  1. bluedragonfly's avatar
    bluedragonfly
    August 31, 2006 at 1:30 pm

    If parents have set clear, consistent rules from the beginning and discussed them beforehand to make sure that they both agree, then this situation would be different. However, given the circumstances, it is incredibly unfair to expect any child to immediately give over to a new set of rules which require them to stop behaving in a way that for many months has been acceptable and to respect parents who have been inconsistent with their parenting.
    Also, I disagree that a father’s role is not earned. This is simply not true. Being a father can be a mere biological fact — a father (or a mother) can certainly lose or chose not to take on the role of being a parent in his/her child’s life. For example, if a father is abusive or simply absent from his child’s life, he does not have the voice that he could have had and should not expect to be able to show up and have that voice all of a sudden. Again, if he has throughout his child’s life played a consistent role of authority that is one thing. You can not be absent from your child’s life or inconsistent with your authority and expect to be listened to when you do decide to take a clearer role.

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  2. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    August 31, 2006 at 1:43 pm

    Thanks for helping in the dialogue, BlueDragonFly. There are no easy answers – what I most want is to have the parents talk to each other (this is more about the parents than it is about the child). The daughter’s identification with the boyfriend’s life and family says a lot about the dad’s inconsistency. “Inconsistency” – while not being something to which a parent ought to aspire, is not in itself abusive. We are talking about THIS father, not ALL fathers.

    Write more, let the discussion flow!!!

    Rod

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  3. bluedragonfly's avatar
    bluedragonfly
    September 4, 2006 at 4:12 pm

    You’re right Rod — I certainly agree that the situation appears to have more to do with the parents and it would be great if it could bring them into a better dialogue with each other so that they could work together on parenting…

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