August 4, 2006
by Rod Smith
The desire for AUTONOMY is a powerful instinct within you. It is the craving to be self-directed and separate. It is the “you” who wants to be free of all ties, all responsibilities. It is the “you” that fears absorption; the “you” who wants to let your hair blow in the wind, feel the sun on your back and live a carefree life. This is the lone-ranger and pioneer spirit within you. This desire is a necessary part of your survival and growth – don’t reject it.
The desire for INTIMACY is a powerful instinct within you. It is the craving to be close and connected. It is the “you” that wants to belong, be known and be part of a family, a team. It is the “you” that fears abandonment and desertion; the you who longs for a unified journey with others, the you that wakes up at night and wonders with horror, what it would be like to be totally alone. This is the nest-making part of you, the part who longs for a shared life. This desire is a necessary part of your survival and growth – don’t reject it.
Healthy adults acknowledge these desires in themselves, and then in others – and never feed the one at the ruin of the other. This is wisdom!
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August 4, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: My ex-husband brought his “girlfriend” of two days to our six-year-old son’s camp award ceremony. I told him I found this inappropriate. He blew me off. My son was very upset to tell me they were “making out” in front of him. I don’t think my son should be exposed to this behavior, nor do I think he needs to be part of their relationship after only days. My ex has only just ended another relationship which produced another child and in which my son was very involved – for a few weeks. I don’t know what to say to get my ex to understand that this is damaging and I don’t know what to say to my son to comfort him. (Letter edited)
Rod Responds: Your concerns are appropriate. He is being most inappropriate. Getting your ex-husband to agree, or even hear you, is probably impossible while he is so overly enthralled with himself. Until he does something illegal or abusive to your son (which one hopes never occurs) you will probably not be able to protect the child from his foolish dad. Reassure the boy of your love without reference to your son’s relationship with his father. As irresponsible as your ex appears to be, remember there was a time when you yourself loved him enough to marry him.
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