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He won’t decide……. after 20-plus years!!!

by Rod Smith

Reader’s Letter and Question:

“I am in a relationship with a married man since 1983. My family was totally against this. When the relationship started I was informed that my partner was going through a rough time and he had only married his wife because she was pregnant and he was responsible to take care of the children. As my relationship developed, when I questioned him about my future he advised that his children were still young and he grew up without a father and did not want the same to happen to his children. I have been waiting since then for him to make up his mind and make a decision but to date he has not. The relationship was ‘on and off’ as he was always insecure about me because of my openness with people and my previous relationships. He has not learnt to forgive me. He keeps telling me that he loves me and things are going to work out but all this time have past and I am now in my early forties and am getting lonely.”

Response:

You have been thoroughly duped by a very selfish man. He HAS made his decision and it is to use you for his own ends for as long as you will allow it.

Posted on May 9, 2006 at 7:32 pm in Affairs, Betrayal, Domination, Victims, Violence   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

7 Comments to “He won’t decide……. after 20-plus years!!!”

    
  1. haikushoe's avatar
    haikushoe
    May 9, 2006 at 7:39 pm

    It’s sad that you’ve waited 20 years for a decision and wasn’t able to have a more normal relationship.

    Reply
  2. Confuddled's avatar
    Confuddled
    May 11, 2006 at 12:17 pm

    omg… honey you have got to get yourself a new one… if he didn’t love his wife… kid or no kid… he would not be with her.. you are obviously getting hurt from this… you have to stand up for yourself… be strong and ask him if he TRULY loves you… and if he can’t leave his wife for you… then theres no hope… imagine how devestated she would be to if she found out that her husband has been cheating for that long… he obviously is not a very good man… i’m sorry but you don’t need that… i would get out of that mess right now and find a good lovable charming man… but i’m not you… you have to listen to your heart and be strong about it and make the decision you think is right…good luck to you!

    Reply
  3. lovejonesn's avatar
    lovejonesn
    August 1, 2006 at 3:41 am

    i’m in the same position except my guy is my first love from twelve years ago. Now he has a girl and a one year old daughter. he says he loves me but he is still with her.

    Reply
  4. prettynblue's avatar
    prettynblue
    November 7, 2007 at 8:40 am

    I just want to say that I too am in a very similar relationship. The only difference is, I am married and he is married. We have had an affair for 20 years and to this day, I am still waiting on him to be with me. He says that his youngest daughter will graduate college in May of 2008 and that is supposedly when he is going to leave his wife. Supposedly they do not have an intimate relationship either.
    I ask myself every day, WHY do I continue to love him. I have a good husband that loves me and I have been married to him for 20 years. I have 2 great teenagers, and a good life. Why do I continue to want, love and fantasize about this other man. And why do I think he is so perfect?

    Reply
  5. Confused and Hurt's avatar
    Confused and Hurt
    December 18, 2007 at 12:29 pm

    I’m in the same boat. I’ve been with my married man for ten years. I knew he had emotionally left his marriage long before I met him. He just never made the address change. She had cheated on him many times. He has been finacially supporting me for eight years, and because he’s 20 years older than me, he has given me a life insurance policy on him for when he dies so I will be finacially set for life. The policy is in my name, so he can’t change his mind on that. He became impotent three years ago due to illness, and he wants me to move-on and find someone who can be there for me emotionally and physically. We are both having an extremely difficult time making the break. I actually think his wife found out about us, and that’s the real reason why he wants to make the break. But he still calls and he makes me promise that I will remain in his life to some degree. There’s a hugh hole in his soul without me he keeps saying. He keeps telling me that he’s going to commit suicide … his drinking has increased by 4 times … and he is really depressed. He started therapy … and he went on anti-depressants. All he does is cry and tell me how much he loves me, but that he’s too old for me and he’s on a self-destructive path that he doesn’t want to involve me in … it would only drag me down too. I miss him. I don’t understand how one day life was fine with him (even though he was impotent) and the next day he was an emotional wreck wanting to kill himself. He keeps doing a push me away, then pull me back in, thing and it’s driving me crazy. For ten years he was emotionally rock solid. He had never put divorce and marriage on the table, until several months ago, when he thought I had met someone. But then later, he indirectly took it off the table. I’m trying really hard to move-on, but I do love him, so it’s hard. Especially when I see how much he’s struggling with this break-up. Why won’t he admit that his wife found out and she’s behind this? I’m certainly not a booty call … sex is not involved … and he continues to make sure I’m finacially secure. He completely stopped calling me from his office phone six months ago and he got a secret cell that he uses … the cell is in another name … I checked that out. All I want is the truth … perhaps that will set me free. Any pearls of wisdom will be appreciated.

    Reply
  6. alone and hurting's avatar
    alone and hurting
    January 26, 2008 at 1:56 am

    I too am in an affair with a married man. It is a definite journey. Although it has been a little over a year, it seems like a life time. I was married when we began our relationship…my husband moved back to Ohio and I thought my guy was going to make the break as well. One day he tells me not to give up on him, the next, he tells me he never said such a thing. He talks about “boundaries” and how he “chooses not to leave” his wife…the next he says he can’t. I’m miserable, I go to bed alone every night. Every day I help him with his work while mine falls further behind. I too would love some pearls of wisdom…I need to end this but how????

    Reply
  7. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    January 26, 2008 at 10:54 am

    Dear Alone and Hurting:

    The pearl of wisdom – “I need to end this” – is in your letter. Until you sever this destructive alliance (it’s not a “relationship”) you will have no joy. Until you have extended time alone (without a man in your life) you will not re-establish your integrity.

    How do you end it? There is no easy way out! Resign. Disappear. Move to a new city. Change your phone numbers. You owe him no “closure” or explanation. Of course this is tough but the sooner you act, the sooner you will find relief from your misery.

    Peace to you

    Rod Smith

    Reply
    

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