A short word about guilt…

There are a lot of guilty people “out there.” I get letters all the time from people carrying huge burdens of guilt, for all manner of mishaps and sins and things done or left undone.

As can be expected I get letters from people who are guilty about things over which they would have had absolutely no power at all (the emotional equivalent of “I am so sorry it is rained on your vacation”) and this misplaced, or assumed guilt has followed them around like a large and burdensome backpack for decades.

Guilt, any kind of guilt, is not a very good motivator. When it pushes (guides, motivates, “inspires” or propels) a person to any act of goodness or kindness, that act is usually sullied or jaundiced because it is not propelled by pure intention. It is propelled by the need to make right, to settle a score or to un-burden.

Getting rid of guilt (even misplaced guilt) is not easy for some – but it can be found through confession, through wise divulgence of that inner turmoil to a trusted friend or a paid professional.

Freedom from guilt is a wonderful, powerful state. And when, by faith, you are made free, you will indeed be free.

Reader: My mother-in-law is still depressed after her husband’s death almost two years ago. They were married for over 50 years. I understand she lost the most important person in her life. The problem is that she pulls my wife into her grief which dampens so much joy in our family. My mother-in-law lives with us and I thought her sadness would subside. What can I do to help my wife from being almost immobilized with her mother’s grief? (Reconstructed with permission)

Rod Responds: I’d suggest you read the book A Group I Never Wanted to Join, a most helpful study in loss and grief by a grief and recovery expert Marty McNunn.

Then, in the kindest manner possible, tell your wife what you perceive is occurring.

Certainly grief can seem to have taken a relentless hold over your mother-in-law, and your wife may well be grieving in tandem with her. Emerging from her own grief may feel uncaring to your wife, or she might covertly feel she is abandoning her mother if she does not remain present with her in her deep struggle.

Apart from grief taking its toll in both women, you are most certainly aware that each woman has her own individual grief work to complete, quite independently of each other.