What relationships are “beyond” repair? What about forgiveness and reconciliation?

Relationships are beyond repair when there has been any kind of violence. This includes emotional violence, sexual violence, physical violence. Repair is also unlikely where there has been pointed cruelty in the form of abandonment, betrayal, infidelity, demeaning or vicious behaviors. 

Reconciliation, as in getting back together, where such behaviors have occurred, is probably not impossible – miracles do happen – but it is usually not wise. Toxic behaviors – as listed –  are likely to reoccur when anxiety, stressors and stress, which are part of all relationships, return. No matter how deep or profound the change which facilitated forgiveness and reconciliation may have been, former behaviors are likely to resurface in the face of common life pressures. 

Even in the most extreme situations forgiveness may be possible. With enough time and distance and experience while under the spell and power of bitterness and resentment and its work within he or she who withholds grace and forgiveness, victims often welcome the relief and freedom which forgiveness delivers. He or she who has already been a victim often sees that holding on or staying angry becomes yet another form of emotional abuse. 

But, forgiving does not mean the relationship will or must continue.