Loss, grief, mourning

A few things I’ve seen, known, experienced about significant loss, grief and mourning:

• Grief can go into hiding and emerge months, even years later, as something quite unexpected – like anger, disappointment or cynicism, or kindness, joy, softness, and appreciation.

• Time itself doesn’t heal, not usually. Some grief is never “healed” and some losses never find “closure” but the lack of either does not mean survivors will not, or cannot, live full, productive, beautiful lives.

• Replacing a loss with another person “too quickly” may be unwise, unfair, irresponsible (all things I’ve heard) but it doesn’t feel that way for the one who has suffered and insisting on expressing this is usually alienating and counterproductive and can rip already suffering families apart.

• Mourning has a life of its own, at least initially, and it’s best not tamed by the untrained.

• When a person who had suffered loss declares he or she’d rather not talk about “it” the desire is best respected.

• Our uniqueness as individuals is reflected in how people respond to difficulties associated with significant loss and it’s ridiculous to approach a grieving person with a step-by-step generic packaged formula.

• Non-possessive warmth, listening ears, and hot cups of tea may be the most powerful gifts a person can offer one who has suffered loss.