Anger, like happiness, joy, and fulfillment, is an “individual pursuit.” Its hurtful expression ought not be laid at the door of the victim. People are angry – alone. The “you-make-me-so-angry” line is a cop-out, a fallacy, and ought to be challenged and resisted. “Buying it” helps the angry man or woman remain immature and maintain unhelpful control.
Certainly, my behavior could trigger your anger, but to do so, the anger has to be already resident, lurking, within you. I may be sufficiently powerful to light your fuse but it remains your fuse.
Many people “get” angry in traffic – but it is not the traffic that makes people angry – the traffic is the catalyst for the anger already resident in people. I know men and women who can sit for hours in horrendous traffic and enjoy books on tape or soothing music! Despite their demanding careers (interrupted by heavy traffic) these men and women have correctly recognized that ranting and raving over things over which they have no control is rather pointless and foolish.
The first step dealing with anger is the recognition that it is not someone else’s fault – but is indeed something that needs to be addressed by the person within whom the anger has found a home.
Alas, angry people abound. Some cover it effectively, making careers of it (watch some sports stars!). Others appear to turn it into something productive like very hard work or passionate involvement in causes (watch some politicians). Some, who have failed to deploy it down more helpful avenues, fight with everyone sooner or later.
Anger (in you or others) is beyond reasoning. “Reasoning” with anger or with an angry person, while he or she is feeling the anger, is pointless. Get out of the way. This is the only helpful thing to do. Refuse to be the victim. If you are the one feeling and expressing the anger, remove yourself from possible victims – have you episode alone!
Anger cannot be “dealt with” academically, through willfulness, or resolutions. Ironically, it can only be dealt with when felt. Stopping, answering the question, “What it really going on here?” will help you find a solution. The ability to see what’s going on trumps the importance of its origin. “I am feeling out of control,” or “This situation appears to want to rob me of something,” or “I am not being recognized for my true importance,” will help you to give your feelings a greater context – and possibly defuse the moment into something more productive.
High maintenance people are difficult, sometimes impossible, even in the most relaxed of circumstances. They pick fights, find fault and personalize almost everything. They argue with people who are closest to them for no apparent reason. They often pick on strangers (waiters, helpers). They often live in a world of cut-off relationships where everyone else is an idiot.
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