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Should I ask my aging father to tell me he loves me?

by Rod Smith

My father is getting older. He has never told me he loves me. Do you think I should ask him to say it once before he dies? I feel child-like asking the question because I am an adult with my own children. I have no problem telling my children I love them – both because I do love them, and because I want my children to hear it from me, their mother.

Rod’s Reply: Yes. Tell him that hearing him use the words “I love you” directed at you would mean a lot. Being an adult, you are fully aware that asking your father to say he loves you does not mean he will. I think it is a risk worth taking. Asking him could prove good for you both.

Sadly, some sons and daughters will never hear loving words from a parent, and, but for the most toxic of families, it is something it seems we desire from a parent, no matter how young or old we may be.

Expressions like, “I love you”, “I am proud of you”, “you please me”, “being your parent has enriched my life”, and, “I brag about you whenever I have the opportunity,” are sentiments that can enrich anyone’s life, even if you have to point-blank ask for them to be said.

Posted on August 22, 2006 at 7:28 pm in Children, Communication, Parenting/Children   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

2 Comments to “Should I ask my aging father to tell me he loves me?”

    
  1. Nancy's avatar
    Nancy
    August 23, 2006 at 7:27 am

    I was too young to remember the sound of my father’s voice before he left. Family friends told me that my grandfather bragged about me as a child. Although he never told me directly, the message filtered back to me and that made up for the lack of one from my father. How I strived to make my family proud until family secrets undermined my motivation. I worked hard to recover it, only to lose it again under a judgmental and sometimes, religious spirit. Because of that, I treasure more the words of my mother who said to me: “I love you.”

    Reply
  2. Unknown's avatar
    Clare
    January 7, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    I can relate to your feelings.

    I’m a 19 year old female & my father has never told me that he loved me either, or come to think of it used any of the other expressions listed in Rod’s reply.

    I think yes you should ask him, I do not intend to ask my dad because I know in my mind how he would respond anyway and I would rather not hear it. However my case it is slightly different as I am younger, and my dad is only in his late 50s, also the most significant difference is that I have two older brothers who I have heard my dad say positive things to often and I know he has told them he loves them. Therefore I feel I know, for whatever reason my dad has not emotionally attached to me in the same way. I did consider that I might not be his biological child, but I look similar to him and I have inherited a rare genetic disease from him so that seems unlikely (no he doesn’t have any brothers.)

    I think from the sounds of it, there is hope on your side, a lot of men struggle to say these things, don’t miss out on your chance to hear him say it if it’s possible.

    Ask him.

    Reply
    

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