Archive for June 29th, 2006

June 29, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept or tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice, you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take your voice from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice, let alone handle the voice of two or three others.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if they say they do. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances (like severe illness), to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world through maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent, and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are, and what you have to say when the authentic voice within you is allowed growth and expression.

Part of owning a voice, and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, marriage or job, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even when and if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talents. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

June 29, 2006

The problem with jealousy…

by Rod Smith

Jealousy distorts reality. It becomes a lens through which the victim appears larger, more powerful than they are. If I am jealous, want you only for my own, I will notice everything you do and interpret everything you do and say as if it is connected to what you think and feel about me. I will read meaning never intended by your words or behavior.

The power to choose is essential to love. If removed, love ceases. Jealousy poisons choice and love. It robs a jealous person of the very love they think their jealousy will protect.

Jealousy makes people most unattractive. A jealous person can operate in this manner for so long that jealousy seems essential to their personality. They appear to know no other way to operate.

Unchecked (unmonitored, uncontrolled) jealousy will act as temporary glue, or repel your lover from you, or set you both on a course of anger and resentment. There are no positive rewards except the temporary, illusion of power jealousy offers.

If you think jealousy will keep someone with you, you have failed to see that the very act of ensuring someone be yours forever, is the removal from that person of the very essence of love – freedom to choose.

June 29, 2006

Recovered drunk asks if he owes a woman loyalty……

by Rod Smith

I was a drunkard for years but have been clean for more than five years. In my “stupidity years” I had a very supportive girlfriend. She tolerated everything. I keep asking myself whether I loved her then or was it because she had no problem with my drinking. I’ve met someone I communicate with easily. We are friends more than lovers, which was something that was missing from the other relationship. I feel she is not the right person for me. I feel I am betraying the woman who tolerated me all those years. What do I do? (Letter edited)

Congratulations on your sobriety. Drunks use people. The disease of alcoholism makes people very self-centered and it attracts (cultivates) people who are equally ill who “tolerate everything.” You used this woman. It appears she used you. Although she may deeply love you, toleration is no indication of love.

Tolerating someone because they tolerated you is hardly flattering. One would hope a woman would want more from a relationship than the fulfillment of obligation.

There is no “right” person for you. A healthy relationship will shape both persons into being right (and sometimes “wrong”) for each other. Sobriety means you have stopped drinking but it does not necessarily mean you have stopped using people.

You get to choose what kind of person you will be, and what kind of relationship you want. I hope you, and any woman with whom you share life, will always opt for complete mutuality, deeply shared respect and equality at every level of your sober life together.

June 29, 2006

Long distance romance keeps me at the phone……

by Rod Smith

Q: Regarding long-distance relationships a reader writes: “Does sitting by the phone, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?”

A: Your behavior does not necessarily suggest you are “dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship.” Good friends frequently wait by the phone when they expect a call from someone they love. Wanting information and connection is a deeply human quality and ought not be interpreted in a negative light.

But, continuing to be glued to the phone “to be immobilized” just in case he calls, even when it is not scheduled call, while other tasks, other friendships, other responsibilities are neglected, certainly puts you on the way toward an unhealthy connection.

Does he know you are waiting? If he does, and then still does not call, his behavior is cruel and ought not be tolerated. If a person knows you are waiting, and does not call within reasonable time, I’d suggest you are working harder at the relationship than your counter-part. This, in itself, is a big red flag.

Long-distant relationships are very difficult. Distance (like darkness and disease) amplifies. Issues usually seem more drastic, extreme, urgent, the further apart people are.