I am attracted to a married man… |

I am attracted to a married man…

by Rod Smith

I am a single woman attracted to a married man. We work for the same company. I can see he is lonely and I want to be his friend. He makes eye contact with me but he is uncomfortable about talking to me. Should I meet him where I know he has lunch? (Question submitted online)

You are a relationship piranha. Find ways to address your own loneliness that are not at the expense of a man, his wife and children. The loneliness you perceive within this person is a projection of your very selfish motives. Even if he is lonely, his emotional well-being is absolutely none of your business. You are employed to do your job, not meet the emotional needs of strangers, and not wreck marriages.

Stay away from this man who is (thankfully) uncomfortable with your deceitful advances. Even if you did run into him for lunch, and even if you did alleviate his apparent loneliness, and even if you did start an on-going relationship with him, it would all be based on lies and deception. Since you have already established that you are a dishonest woman I question whether this would be important to you.

Posted on May 25, 2006 at 8:13 pm in Affairs, Attraction, Family, Love, Spousal abuse | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

27 Comments to “I am attracted to a married man…”

Mark Wilson
May 28, 2006 at 8:40 pm

Wow. I agree she should stay clear of married men. But was it necessary to be so rough and rude with her? I doubt she will be able to see in what way she has “already established that she is a dishonest woman”. But your underlying principle is correct, “stay away!” and do not consider yourself responsible for his emotional needs. Agreed. But the tone… was it needed?

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stella moreno
August 5, 2006 at 8:24 pm

“Married” Is the same as “Taken,… not Available,…committed to someone else,…off limits. do you understand this concept.
If you really want to help people? go into nursing or some other field where your concern would be better appreciated or needed. This gent has a wife that may or may not attend to his needs.
It really is no conern of yours, or it may i say it should not be.

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arshia
November 22, 2006 at 9:10 pm

I am married and the man I am attracted to is married too. We have this unspoken attraction. I have expressed my feelings to him, he has not. But his none verbal communication and the way he looks at me tells me he is interested. what do i do. His wife and I are best friends. My husband and him are good friends too. my husband is aware of the attraction and my husband is attracted to this married man’s husband. What do the 4 of us do? Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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- Candace
  February 26, 2010 at 3:45 pm
  
  In 2010 must we really got back to the basic’s? where did we as a people start to for get about love, respect, family and MARRIAGE! when did the purity of ones soul darken so easily to think that because one feels the deep desire of temptation it is alright to respond to it? its not alright, if anything it should be considered as a sign of some sort to get your stuff together cause it is possible to feel those desires. after all thats how you ended up in a marriage. causing hurt to the others is just not right. clean you own mess before allowing yourself to make a mess in someone else’s family and world. so do what is right and fight that temptation, there are just some things we as a people should not do regardless of the desire that hounds you.
  
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Ela
December 1, 2006 at 10:01 pm

To Arshia: I had the same problem: I had a friend, her husband looked at me as he was attracted to me (I did not feel comfortable at all), I felt attracted to him, besides, my friend was making funny comments about my husband, which
Were making me more attracted to her husband and not mine. So eventually, I interrupted this “family” friendship, because the relationships in both families were suffering, and my friend’s husband approached my H.during tennis game, asking him to talk to me to be more positive in conversations with his wife. I stopped calling, told my husband – no more tennis games with him or at least just tennis and nothing else.
Funny, we both have girls the same age, which go to the same kindergarten, when we meet each other in KG, we just say hello and nothing else.

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Arshia
December 17, 2006 at 11:29 am

Ela, Thank you for your reply. What I understood of you telling me, to just let it go and not persue a relationship. I have not seen my friends husband for a couple of weeks. His wife and their kids have been with me and my husband for dinners, movies and just hanging out. However; my friends husband has not come around and seems not wanting to see me, my husband or my kids. I am sensing he is afraid of what might happen. I also see, that he is very unhappy with his marriage. I feel this circle of relationship with the 4 of us, is so complicated. I am at a loss. I guess what I need is advice as to what I should do. I am grateful that my husband and I are so open and honest about the situation. I have no worries of deception, lies or hurting anyone. I will be looking for your reply

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Kim
November 15, 2007 at 9:41 am

Lady, what the heck is wrong with you? He is MARRIED…there are too many SINGLE men out there for you to hit on. You are a married woman’s WORST NIGHTMARE. He will never leave his wife for you and you are just asking for trouble. Why would you even stoop that low? If he cheats on his wife, he would cheat on you as well. Protect your dignity, you will be a much happier person. You don’t want a man that cheats, or do you? The pain is NOT WORTH IT.

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Jacquie
December 13, 2007 at 2:46 pm

Okay, I’m the wife of a husband who’s staff member hit on him–Yes, he was lonely because he’s been firghting depression for 20 years.

Any woman who hits on a married man is the lowest of the low. And, if that woman’s married she’s even lower than that. This woman has totally destroyed any trust in my marriage, what she did was mean, disgusting, selfish and totally destructive. I can’t believe she’d do that to me–I can’t tell you how much it hurt. I even sat down with her for coffee and asked her and it was disgusting how she lied and then turned the tables on me to make me look like the one who was emotionally unstable. Well honey, let me tell you, I sure wouldn’t put myself in the same disgusting position that you did.

There is no greater way to hurt a wife than to sleep with her husband. There is no greater way to destroy a family than to do that, maybe even destroy your own as well. I’m doing all I can not to go to her husband with what I know.

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Robert
December 26, 2007 at 11:14 pm

You must leave him alone becaue a relationship built upon deceit will not last.

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Sly
June 7, 2008 at 4:37 pm

I would like to tell something about this topic.. I’m single. My ex cheated on me months ago, I didn’t know about that since I found out, I was destroyed, of course. for a long time nobody attract me at all, I just do not had a need for a man, for an relationship, until I met a guy. He smiled to me, looked at me on such nice way, he was really nice, but we never me officialy. I was really interested in him, and I asked some people that should know him… they told me he is married. i was so sad, I didn’t know that, and I couldn’t explain myself his way of behaviour, i tought that’s it! – new man in my life, new light in my life, new joy and happiness, maybe new relationship. Still, today, he mets me on the street or in cafe and he looks at me all the time, he smiles to me… this is so obviously strong chemistry between me and him, I just cannot stop think about him, I was really attracted to him, and this was NOT my fault!… In our city is really hard to find normal, good, goodloking and decent man. It is a boig competition between so many beautifull womenm trust me. So, I’m asking, do I, as an normal, pretty, attractive and well positioned woman have riht to take this boy to me? I really do not care that he is married. Why he looks at me that way? Why he smiles to me everytime he meets me. He cannot stop to looks at me, I feel let say happy and so good when I meet him on the street. But I am also wise and I know that I could or should not do anything what is against his position, against his marriage, I am aware of it. But I just felt in love, because he do that to me. I do not catch him, he cathes me. So, I would like to hear an answer from married woman or married man. What is this, this kind of game??

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rita
July 6, 2008 at 2:35 pm

good point sly. i have never done anything with a married man, but i have weathered the power of male sexuality and desire turned my way. so married ladies…you married your man. you must know what he is capable of. have a little pity for the poor woman your husband decides to catch for a little fun on the side. clearly you haven’t seen La Femme Défendue, or a whole host of french movies that deal with the power of male desire. quit blaming women and deal honestly with your husband’s sexuality.

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Eli
August 30, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Im agree with sly and rita, but i need to say something more, all that the others speak, is about properties, is like to have a owner when you get married, its that correct? for whom?, we are a thing? so if a person is an adult married or not married you are free to chose wherever you want!.. anyway the kind of compromise is only for the person that is married..

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mimi tu
September 17, 2008 at 11:59 pm

Guys,
ive been married for 12 years. i recently met thisdoctor . im crazy about him. hes married.i think about him all the time. i fantasize about holding him close and hugging him. he does not know about this.
the way he looks at me… i just melt away.
he likes to hold my hand and this drives me crazy. i lust for him ….im i going mad ?

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please use your heart
October 2, 2008 at 1:55 pm

people……………………….. it is wrong not only to mess with some one who is married………. The Bible said that “lust” is a sin too….. you have gave in to your flesh. WRONG !!! He is NOT your man.
I would advise anyone to find their first love which SHOULD be Jesus and He will show you the rest of what to do.
Prayers 4 all

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Hlotho Nombeko
November 7, 2008 at 2:57 am

what to do if you stay far away from your husband and when the time goes on you phone him and he can answer the phone but as the time goes if you phone him he will never pick it up the phone. what does this symbolyses to a married woman who has husband like this.

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FRUSTRATED!!
December 8, 2008 at 11:01 am

Ok, I am a smart, sophisticated, intelligent woman and I know these things to be true. I know all about attraction and the chemistry behind it. I know that we can quiet our inner lust and that through the Lord God almighty we can tame the snake of desire but when your on ground Zero and your in the trenches fighting the most powerful opponent, Satan, who is constantly whispering “Just give in” it is more than hard to say “No!” All of this being said…I have a friend of around 11 years we have grown up together and gotten closer over the years. She has always been there and I love her very much :)For about 7 years she has been dating someone who she loves very much. I myself have been married for 5 and it’s been tough but we love one. Long story short about 2 years ago this friend and I had a falling out because of a attraction issue and what started as a innocent comment between her man and myself. We did not speak for a year and just got back to good about 10 months ago. Now, everything is GREAT however there is still an attraction issue. For both he and myself. We went out this past weekend and these unspoken desires became words spoke. I feel awful! Nothing happened but how in the world do I handle this. I cannot tell her as this will jeopardize our friendship if not end it, not to mention hurt my husband whom I love VERY much. However I know that I cannot be around him anymore at least alone and now that we have spoken and both know the attraction is mutual something more is bound to happen. How do I avoid him when we are so close? We literally spend a day if not more a week together. HELP!!

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
December 8, 2008 at 4:43 pm

Thanks for your letter. I have just gotten home and will handle this when I have more time.

Rod

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Carlisle Collins
December 11, 2008 at 9:41 am

Hlotho Nombeko: You’re probably reading something into it that’s just not there! From a personal point of view, I don’t believe in staying ‘far away’ from my family. It’s just not good for relationships, especially committed relationships. Both partners are prone to misinterpret the action of the other. For instance, if the ‘phone calls are too ‘frequent’ (whatever that means) and/or not answered, the caller is prone to suspicion and the ‘callee’ might think he/she is being monitored. This situation might even give rise to mind games. It’s been known to happen, you know! Interesting at first (maybe!) but potentially destructve. Also, the frequency might truly become bothersome when there’s really nothing worthwhile to say and you’ve already had long sessions of ‘love talk’ twenty times yesterday for crying out loud! Give your larynx a rest (and your dialling finger too) or fuel a co-dependancy type relationship; or worse – No relationshi at all. Here’s some non-professional advise: MATURITY, SELF CONFIDENCE and FAITH in God! Give it a try!

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Carlisle Collins
December 11, 2008 at 2:40 pm

I AM ATTRACTED TO A MARRIED MAN…etc. An old post about a current issue: – Jumping To Hasty Conclusions!

Whoa, people! “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. For one scary moment I thought I was in some Iranian or Saudi site with every narrow-minded, self righteous hypocrite revved up for some serious weekend stone pelting! Give the woman a break, folks! All she wanted to do was strike up a conversation with someone interesting who she works with – not necessarily start a romantic liaison. Would it have made any difference if she found him boring yet wanted to find out exactly what feature about her made him ‘uncomfortable’?

Wanting to be a friend doesn’t necessarily amount to the desire to become a lover! Most man-man or man-woman friendships do begin between strangers (for the most part), sometimes between lonely strangers, sometimes married and lonely strangers who may be lonely intellectually or spiritually, or emotionally, or desirous of belonging to a support group, or just looking for company to help make the work day go by easier. Would this amount to ‘carrying on’ an illicit association unbeknownst to one’s spouse? There’s certainly a possibility that it could. But statistically, it’s improbable. (“But why take that chance, eh? Let’s just outlaw opposite sex socializing between non-relatives, ostracize them just like it says in Islamic Law! Furthermore, posing an impertinent, sinful question in a public forum is tantamount to admitting evil intentions, which is tantamount to committing the sinful Act itself!… Oh! The slut! How dare she even consider the first step that could ruin a marriage and schedule a double beheading!!).

We humans are gregarious by nature; social creatures! It is highly abnormal for anyone to isolate themselves especially from people at work. Most employers dsapprove of that behavior and view it as one’s inability/reluctance to get along with others. The work force is team effort, you know! Sort of like an extended family without who you probably wouldn’t have the ability to support yours!

Now, by nature, we’re attracted to interesting people (or people who interest us). If I encountered someone I found interesting but who was ‘uncomfortable’ in my company, I’d be curious to know why. Perhaps I was putting out the wrong signal, or she (he, for that matter) had a ‘thing’ against people with a lisp (i.e., Me), perhaps they have bad breath (or I do!) or Tourette Syndrome and were being deliberately guarded …

Short of muscling her into a direct confrontation, would it be considered proper etiquette to, yes, share the table with her during our lunch break? In public! Would this label me a ‘relationship piranha’, fair game for jealous husbands? (P.S. I’d like to use that term elsewhere, Rod 😉 It has that certain bite to it!). Would I be perceived as endeavoring to accomplish my ‘very selfish motives’ subconsciously (surreptitiously?), with Freudian overtones, disguised as an innocent Samaritan act of reaching out to a co-worker; Perhaps even wanting to know what she found ‘uncomfortable’ about my presence.

Q: Is there any merit to the determination of another’s motives and character when information relied upon is sketchy, limited, and prone to dffering (situation-specific) variants.

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L
December 19, 2008 at 11:02 pm

I wanted to drop a quick line about how funny life is. You can judge someone all you like and say how you would never do something and then the next day you will be in that situation.

Like many of you, I always thought that any person who caused a married person to be unfaithful was total trash. I said this for years and turned down married men multiple times.

Recently I have begun having a STRONG attraction for one of my husband’s friends. I cannot get him out of my mind no matter how hard I try. It is not that I want to be with him. I do not. I just have the animal urge to do physcial things with him. My husband also finds his wife very attractive. However, we know that these people are not swingers. My husband wouldn’t mind if I did things with his friend. The limitation is that this couple doesn’t follow our line of thinking.

I have elected to avoid this couple at all costs. I hope that these sexual thoughts will be out of my head at some point. . Agagin, let me point out that I love my husband and have no intention of leaving him…it is all about. wild sexual chemistry.

Bottom line: Don’t judge. Try to be understanding. Understand that there are two sides to every story. You may be in the opposite situation some days so use a little compassion when dealing with others.

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Carlisle Collins
December 24, 2008 at 2:53 pm

Hi L: I respect your honesty but the way things are, have been, likely to be, etc. “social acceptance” of the fulfillment of such desires as your is far from likely. In fact, quite a few jurisdictions regard adultery as a crime attracting penal sanctions (no pun!). I daresay, at some point in life, it is everyman’s fantasy to pleasure/be pleasured by more than one. But at best, these desires remain unfulfilled fantasies for one reason or another. And if they do manifest, very few would allow the same discretion (indiscretion?) to his wife because “what’s good for the gander may be good for the goose but I’ll be damned if she gets goosed by some low life drake; she might get to like it, and I’d be history” (or her story, depending on your gender preference!). Hypocritical? (You bet! But I’ll never admit it!!) You see, Polyamory is a covert characteristic exclusive to Man (despite the truth – because generally, in this area, we men can’t handle the truth!). But to augment this pseudo conservative standpoint that circumscribes the perimeter of what is generally considered “socially acceptable behavior”, one has only to withdraw oneself from the social dynamics momentarily and allow an objective, gestalten understanding of interpersonal relationships and the critical role that intimacy plays in establishing and defining social structure. One recognizes change, hurried, accelerated change ushering in rapid technological advancement and, along with it, a steady but decisive dilution in interpersonal bonding that has long since destabilized the fundamental societal unit – the family. I believe the critical reason for this is casual (or lack of) conformance to designated roles by individual members and laxity in setting an example and enforcing expectations for fear of being labeled ‘conservative’ or ‘disciplinarian’, or even ‘asshole’! I believe relationships become very confusing when roles lack solidity and shift back and forth. For instance, no matter how vociferously I may claim to love my wife and never leave her, just how truly committed am I when my desires, no matter how transitory, are offered to another? Is this form of ‘unselfishness’ a valid ‘test of love’ or a nutrient for the seed of corruption? During these difficult times when many are struggling to pick up the fragments and work at restoring family integrity and cohesiveness, shelving one’s ‘ultraliberal’, ‘progressive’ carnal desires would be a good sacrifice for the greater cause. Taboos are ALWAYS more fun to partake in; it is meant to be so. But the price that everyone eventually pays for the pleasures of the few is unfairly disproportionate. Peace!

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seldom
September 16, 2009 at 5:09 pm

wow, I Agree it’s not good to judge people and their feelings too quickly. I too myself used to think that I would NEVER think to cheat on my spouse. 2yrs 1/2 ago I was introduced to my husbands friend and wife, I was very attracted, even though I mentioned it to my husband I never said anything else. I noticed he’s friend was very polite, and that would make him irresistable. I finally got him out of my mind and he called me a few months ago and we began to talk, I have told him I can’t do anything. He’s been open enough to say he just wants to be with me once and that’s it. I would love to be able to be with him once, I can imagine how interse it could be. Wow it blows me away. But something inside of me does not allow me to do such thing. Its a though call when your in this situation!!! you want something so BADD but you know you should not have it!! even though your happy it’s once once, you know that it’s wrong…

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seldom
September 16, 2009 at 5:12 pm

speaking of the devil, he just called 😉

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lulu
February 16, 2010 at 8:11 pm

I can totally understand what she’s going through ! it’s important to understand.. I am attracted to a married guy right now, he started flirting with me way back when we met at my work place( he is a client) and he is extremely fit with a hot hot body . I am an attractive young girl and this guy has just had a baby as well ! And I understand why he finds me attractive but I don’t understand why he is flirting in a way that wants me to suggest something which I am not going to since he is married, I like the flirting and his comliments and if I be honest I have thought about sleeping with him because I can’t get his hot body out of my mind, but I have to say I tired to put myself in his wife’s position but I didn’t feel anything, mainly because to me this kind of guy is probably cheating on her already or will do with someone else if not me, so I won’t make a difference in how his personality is. it doesn’t depend on the women but the husband. I know it might sound like I am making excuses but no, it might make a difference to my life to sleep with a married guy but not to them! a cheater will always cheat, I’m sure there will be another attractive younger girl to sleep with him.. And if I only want to get under him would that make difference for both of us ? :))
Anyways, overall I don’t believe in marriage so it might be a bit because of that, I think if you feel u wanna sleep with someone else it means that love was bull .. either u do it or no..
So now I want to find a way that he will finally say it and get it over with so I could get it out of my system and move on.. I know these are just my evil thoughts in my head and I probably wont do anything but anyways..

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petal
March 1, 2011 at 7:04 am

i read all the posts above and want to now share my own situation. I was married once but got divorced as my ex husband was a control freak. Later I fell in love with a single guy and our relationship lasted for 3 years. He broke up with me citing that he is attracted to other women. I was very depressed and tried gymming etc to come out of depression. Post 6 months of gymming I started looking quite attractive and many single and married men started hitting on me. I was so disgusted with married men hitting on me. Since I had known how it feels when someone cheats somebody I vowed I will never break a relationship. I was also not attracted to dozens of men who were swarming around me. Then I went to a arty and met this very interesting intense guy and started chatting. Since he was also showing interest in me, I felt great. After an hour of chatting I came to know he was married . I was disheartened but we exchanged email ids and he pinged me next day. I could not control myself and replied. He told me he went through an arrange marriage route (he is Indian) and he was just 23 when he was forced to marry. I was very attracted to him (being celibate for 9 months, this was the fist guy who turned me on) and found he too was. but then we both kind of agreed that there is no future of this relationship and he wil never divorce his wife (even though she doesn’t care too much for him) and we have decided to keep it at emotional level-as friends……………but it is very difficult and I hate this system.

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Shantilly Lace
April 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm

He is married; he is white: he is adorable; and I want him in my life. Because we work for the same organization it will probably never happen. I don’t feel good enough about myself with any man—I’m too fat, etc. but he might not care about that. Oh well, hopefully this flame will die soon so that I can get him off of my mind.

i

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lc
June 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I’m 43 years old and divorced with a child. I’ve been attracted to this man for over a year. We both work in the same place. I speak to him by saying “hi” or “good morning.” I don’t chase him I just look at him and walk on. Sometimes I catch him looking in my direction and he smiles at me. Why am I always attracted to the wrong kind of men especially married ones? Since my divorce I haven’t had much luck with men. I don’t go out I just stay home. Maybe someday I’ll find someone. Right now I’m just letting time takes its course.

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