I don’t want to hurt him……. |

I don’t want to hurt him…….

by Rod Smith

“I do not want to hurt my ‘partner’ to get what I would like so I have given him – we have been in an affair since 1985 — an ultimatum. I am moving on with my life. I really want to move on but I am deeply in love with him. He always told me that he was not having an intimate relationship with his wife but I could never believe that and never will. All I am seeking is a closure on this fairy tale story. He is an excellent gentleman and I do not like to hurt him. I am getting hurt all the time. He is finding it difficult to accept my decision and he can’t come up with a decision.” (Letter edited)

Rod’s response: This is no fairy tale. It is a nightmare! You will not live with this man without being married to him – but you will see him behind his wife’s back? What nonsense. He is NOT an EXCELLENT man.

Excellent men do not treat their wives (or women) this way. You need professional help to rid yourself of all these ridiculous double standards and the deep-seated deceit in which you have engaged for so very long.

Posted on May 10, 2006 at 4:28 pm in Anger, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

11 Comments to “I don’t want to hurt him…….”

mischarmed
May 11, 2006 at 2:26 am

i agree with ur statement. i think whoever wrote this letter just woke up and realized the same, but just wanted to see something worthwhile after what has happened. an attempt to justify and make something good out of bad.

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Confuddled
May 11, 2006 at 12:10 pm

He is not a good man at all!! what is he thinking… he obviously wants two loves…but it doesn’t work that way!! he may say he loves you but if he truely loved you he would leave his wife… he obviously loves his wife too much… i say you should move on and find a single loving man… one who doesn’t play head games to get what he wants… he may love you… but you could never be his wife… you are on the side.. i am not trying to be mean or anything.. but you should really just let him go… it will never work…

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been_there
May 30, 2006 at 10:14 pm

He may indeed love you but there is something holding him back. Perhaps he feels too guilty. He needs to get professional help to find out why he can not make the decision. He may never get help, but for sure will not unless you stop making it easy for him to not decide.

Leave him, and be prepared for that to be the end. You deserve better.

I have been there. Trust me, it is the only way. Put your foot down firmly and follow through decisively. It will be incredibly difficult, but you must do this for yourself. Get professional help yourself as advised.

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Jan
August 18, 2006 at 9:01 am

I read your article and all comments that came with that; I am going through the exact same situation, I did what everyone had suggested and left him. He ended up leaving his wife and comeing to my doorstep, I accepted him in, and than after one month he went back to his wife, 2wks later he left her again and said that he just wanted to see if i was what he really wanted and he moved back in with me, 2months later he went back to his wife. I still saw him for coffee’s after that and she caught us at the coffee shop beat me up and threw him out. He cried he had no where to go so like a fool I took him back for 3months he left me to go live on his own. He said he wants to be alone and date me because he needs his space for now. Now I caught him with his exspouse. He said because she has no one to talk to you and confides in him. but he says he loves me, and he will fix everything so that someday we could get married because he loves me. It is all B.S. and I have looked back over the four yrs and saw all red flags , and all lies and manipulative scemems, trust me if you dont get out and close him off completly he will POISON your whole being and you will end up an empty shell all unglued and unable to function. I have to call friends all the time to stop myself from calling him. I keep busy. and i am not starting counselling to work through this. I dont want to go back to him but i always think maybe this time he means it. I dont want to get hurt again and again, I am started to love myself too much for that. THEY dont care the hell they put us through they are selfish and think of only what they want and need at that moment. if you have any comments about all i said pls. submit. thank you and good luck with everything, keep your chin up girl! get through the grief and hurt and its all downhill from there.

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Marcella
November 21, 2006 at 8:15 pm

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am in a situation also that I don’t know what to do. I fall in love with a coworker before he gotten married, but it wasn’t after he gotten married that we begin our relationship. He said he loves me so much, more than his wife, and that he regrets so much not being able to love me the way he loves me now, he regrets being married. Ok, the thing is I love him too, but I am also married, 11 years. I don’t know what to do. He said he doesn’t love his wife, that he wants to be with me, and that he is thinking to leave her, but i don’t know what to do, as I love my husband as well as this other guy! I broke up with my affair so many times, but he keeps calling me and he treats me so nice, he is so sweet, nice, he cares, he is awesome, in fact my husband has never treated me that great!, but the thing is I love my husband, i’ve been with him 11 years, so I am really desperate I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to be selfish, I do care for others, I don’t want to hurt my husband neither his wife, that is why I have ended this so many times, but we always end up back together… 😦
help!!!

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Moonstar
January 14, 2008 at 4:07 pm

People (friends) always tell you that you deserve better – but of course you know that you don’t and you are right.

If you believed that you actually deserve “better” than you would not be intoxicated with a situation which can never improve. When you are ready to stop lying to yourself and everyone else, you will get therapy and take responsibility for your self esteem issues and the harm they are causing everyone else as well as you, in your life.

The attraction in these relationships is a shared level of immaturity and a shared addiction to escapism. Somehow it seems “romantic” to “love” … “against all odds”. There is nothing heroic about your behavior, his behavior, and nothing “grand” except for the delusion you are fostering with reckless disregard for the cost to others.

The above situations all share a common theme – no dignity – none whatsoever!!!

Saying the words “I love you” to a person who is unwilling to deal with being accountable for the promises they have made to others in their lives – is enabling and degenerate. You may feel sorry for them… you may be on the same miserable wavelength … that is no reason to deceive others, sleep with them, engage in mutual delusion fostering behaviour.

If you want a better life – create one. Get some ethics and keep working on being better at living up to them and do not enable cheaters, liars, losers, wimps, etc.

Whatever the “problem” with the relationship your paramour is cheating on to be with you – your paramour” is at least half of it – is NOT a victim – and does not deserve to get laid when he lacks the spine to get his life in order and behave with respect for himself and others.

If you sleep with a man who is wimping out like that – than you are pathetic – AND you can accept responsibility for the fear that makes you willing to take crap as an excuse for a man – because women who behave as you do – are the reason that “all men are _____ fill in the blank – whatever cop-out you like to use to justify your own weakness.

“I love you” is not some magical excuse for self-centered, destructive and worthless behaviour.

“I love you” refers to a sacred emotion – where one holds the image and wellbeing of those one cares about on an altar in their heart . Such altars were never intended for decorations to be attached to self or other deceiving behaviors entered into for escapism or self gratification. You abuse the very word “love” when you attach it to your dysfunctional behavior.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
January 14, 2008 at 6:23 pm

Thanks, Moonstar — for your thoughtful reply.

Rod Smith

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Pamela
February 19, 2008 at 2:23 pm

OK so you are right. But No-one was told me how to stop this addiction to another person. And don’t tell me to get professional help, because that DOESN”T HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

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L Wheeler
July 24, 2008 at 11:26 am

If you ever get an answer to get over that addiction to a spineless love who is to wimpy to committ please can you let me know. Much sympathy for you. Its easy to judge.. Used to do it myself so easily until the situation fell in my lap. When u cant eat, sleep function or think of anything else. Feel dead inside without him. Have let go of him but your heart and thoughts and emotions.. dont ever. No matter what u try : )

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Gabby
January 8, 2009 at 11:17 am

While affairs are not right, it is unfair to lump all men and women who do it in the same category. Not all of these men or women who find themselves in these situations are bad people and they have their reasons for doing what they do. It’s not black and white…it’s a very gray area and not all situations are the same so please don’t generalize.

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Alan
April 18, 2010 at 6:58 am

The problem of addiction to a person outside your marriage is the result of a number of factors. But there is a chemical reaction which perpetuates the addiction by small compliment, text, letter or telephone. The only way to break the addiction is to break contact and have will power. Less than 5% of these relationships survive, because it is sad but you need, they need, affection from a stable source, someone who really loves you, not someone who is as sad as you and is meeting your needs to get their own fix, but wont commit because they are unsure. Nice people aren’t like that and if they will do this to their partner, they will do it you. Go back to your partner while you have time. Or your options will be closed and you will be a lonely or abused person. Your actions damage your own family and extended family. Back track while you can. Your partner will not wait for ever.

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