What relationships are “beyond” repair? What about forgiveness and reconciliation?

Relationships are beyond repair when there has been any kind of violence. This includes emotional violence, sexual violence, physical violence. Repair is also unlikely where there has been pointed cruelty in the form of abandonment, betrayal, infidelity, demeaning or vicious behaviors. 

Reconciliation, as in getting back together, where such behaviors have occurred, is probably not impossible – miracles do happen – but it is usually not wise. Toxic behaviors – as listed –  are likely to reoccur when anxiety, stressors and stress, which are part of all relationships, return. No matter how deep or profound the change which facilitated forgiveness and reconciliation may have been, former behaviors are likely to resurface in the face of common life pressures. 

Even in the most extreme situations forgiveness may be possible. With enough time and distance and experience while under the spell and power of bitterness and resentment and its work within he or she who withholds grace and forgiveness, victims often welcome the relief and freedom which forgiveness delivers. He or she who has already been a victim often sees that holding on or staying angry becomes yet another form of emotional abuse. 

But, forgiving does not mean the relationship will or must continue.

Respect, trust, confidence – these treasures are intertwined, inseparable – are the life-blood of all healthy relationships. They are the “fresh air” and sunshine and vitamins of friendships, be they romantic or professional or platonic, or anything in between. 

Once lost or defiled, respect, trust, and confidence are very difficult, but not impossible. to reclaim or rebuild. 

While there are endless ways relationships are ruined, where trust is broken and confidence is defiled, and respect has been lost, repair is a rather simple, but not an easy journey.

Repair begins with humility, acknowledgment and apology. 

These elements are required of all parties, not only the person who is regarded as the offender. The person who has broken trust requires the humility to acknowledge damaging actions and the courage to apologize in order to find repair and begin to restore respect. But, reconciliation and repair will be impossible if the offended lacks humility and is unwilling to enter discussions with the possibility of reconciliation in mind. 

It takes two (or more) to tangle and two (or more) to untangle if indeed untangling is desired.

Not all broken relationships have to be fixed, but if one that has caused you pain is going to be fixed, it will require humility and respect and trust and confidence to set things in motion – even if all these treasured and intertwined elements were once defiled.

The importance of point of view and attitude cannot be understated. It influences just about everything you do each day. Decisions made at the beginning of the day, some simple and some more difficult and even painful, can set positive outcomes in motion. 

Here are “healthy confessions” for the day if you care to use them as a starting point:  

Just for today I will begin with a clean slate. I will give myself and others a fresh start and burden none of us with the unfinished annoyances or grievances of the past. 

Just for today I will aim for a bird’s eye-view on my family and all of my important relationships. This gives me a greater chance of avoiding off-the-cuff and harmful reactions and it will assist me to hold back on hurtful and unnecessary comments. 

Just for today I will live from a “yes” platform rather than default to “no.” I will do this when it comes to opportunities for learning and advancement. I will say “no” to what I already know to be unhealthy for others and for me. 

Just for today (tomorrow will have its own fresh opportunities) I will compliment others rather than criticize. I will focus on the good in others and be quick to affirm what I see.  

Knowing some others is by necessity casual and without intimacy. 

We live busy lives among lots and lots of people and so it is anticipated that many of our relationships will be and remain platonic. 

A form of tragedy, and I do not use the term lightly, is when our most intimate relationships get stuck in little more than a platonic rut. 

And, of course the most intimate behaviors can remain platonic and mechanical and lack any depth of authentic human connection. 

This is surely a definition of loneliness? 

Knowing another at growing depth is no easy privilege or joy. When approaching the success of really getting to know someone, we seldom arrive, but when it does, it is indeed both a privilege and joy.

It may hold the essence of happiness. 

Entering the world of another takes patience, time, commitment, love, wisdom and tenacity. 

It is not that others are so elusive, evasive or enigmatic. 

The problem is that it is so very hard to know ourselves.

It remains true: the highest hurdle to knowing you is knowing me. 

I must do the work it takes to know me, so I may even begin to be interested in knowing you.

The depths of your grief and disappointments, the nucleus of your joys, will remain foreign to me while I am unwilling to delve into my own.    

Differentiation of Self is central to my approach to therapy.

This is a term coined by the pioneer of the Science of Family Therapy, Dr. Murray Bowen.

Bowen, a psychiatrist, tired of treating individuals for what was, to Bowen, clearly a family or a group issue. Bowen would hospitalize an entire family because one member displayed mental health issues.

Dr. Bowen believed that emotional, mental health, and family problems were not “inside” the symptom bearer – the person who was said to be ill – but rather the “problem” resided within the relationships of the family or group.

Differentiation of Self is the capacity to:

• Remain and individual while also being an integral part of a larger group.
• Be responsible for one’s own life and choices.
• Stay committed to important relationships in the face of disagreement and conflict.
• Express thoughts, preferences, agreements and disagreements, despite natural group or family pressures to avoid and conform.
• Remain on track and committed to goals while respecting maintaining relationships with important others who would rather you were less ambitious, vocal, healthy.

Murray Bowen observed that the key to a family’s health was the person (or persons) who were working on their levels of differentiation.

I know, I know, it’s counter-intuitive

Defining yourself, setting your own personal goals as if you are alone in this world, and getting your focus off others will deepen your levels of connection and intimacy with others.

Authentic intimacy is contingent upon the development of a secure self. To work on your Self – to set goals, to develop and accomplish personal challenges – is not selfish. Not to do so, usually is.

Freeing others of their debts to you — gross or trivial, real or imagined — will increase your freedom or make you free. The resentments we collect poison our vision and taints all our relationships. Our resentments may be specific, targeted at one person or a few people, but the toxins that brew are generic and impact all of our insights and relationships.

All growth requires some loss and will probably illicit some grief no matter how much change is wanted or necessary. Men and women grieve the loss of even the worst of marriages and even the most abusive of circumstances. People become accustomed to the most trying of circumstances and will often grieve quite unexpectedly when those circumstances change.

“Getting a life” outside of your children and “outside” of your marriage is good for you, your children, your spouse, and for your marriage.

As I said, it’s counter-intuitive….

“My father (72) is seeing a woman (68). Both have lost life-long partners after long illnesses. They have been on their own for a year for my dad and about 18 months for her mom. Her daughter and I are friends. Both of us think it is too soon for my dad and her mom to be in a relationship. We have not told them this yet but are planning to. They have picked up that we are not really supportive. How should we approach this?” 

While I think I understand your shared concerns, I would suggest you both get out of their way. 

I find it rather sad to read “they have picked up” that you are “not really supportive.” 

If you want to approach your dad and your friend’s mother with anything, approach them with two huge bowls of flowers (preferably roses) and strong greeting cards which express encouragement and affirmation. 

Be sure the cards are signed by all the members of both families. 

That your parents are dating again is a compliment to their courage after deep losses. 

Support and enjoy what is happening between them and be part of the excitement rather than try to deny or kill it.  

The Chess Metaphor 

In healthy relationships there are no elements of either winning or losing. Relationships are not a game and are free of tactics and agenda.

They are open and transparent.

Healthy relationships enjoy respect, mutuality, and equality at every level. 

Unfortunately not all relationships are healthy. 

Do your closest relationships have you feeling as if you are a player in a game of chess with humans?

This metaphor may be helpful when considering the three “cancers” or toxic conditions of relationships: 

MANIPULATION 

This is playing chess with another person or with people. It’s maneuvering as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into loving us or into doing what we want the way we want it done. It can be very subtle and it can be very obvious. Hidden agendas abound. 

DOMINATION 

This is playing chess with another person or with people as in manipulation with an added twist. The difference is the one who seeks to dominate has removed the opponent’s pieces without declaring so and therefore seems always to have the upper hand or the advantage. 

INTIMIDATION

This is playing chess with another person or with people where winning and losing comes with the threat of punishment or actual punishment. The punishment may include the silence game, withholding affection or money, or “forgetting” something the victim holds dear.