“My daughter-in-law is known to be a difficult person. She wants her own way in  all things. Even her mother says this. I am fine with this except when it comes to their children who are 3 and 5 years old boys. When I get to baby-sit the children I get a list of rules and times and even some of the things I am not allowed to say. I feel as if I have never raised children and I did. I have 5 sons and daughters who are all now successful and loving adults and who love me and show it. What should I do?”

I’d suggest you do not resist her wishes when caring for your grandchildren. As a new and comparatively inexperienced mom she is adjusting to what it means to love her children and she wants to do a better job than all the mothers who have preceded her. I’m suggesting that the mother (and your son) will start to see how resilient and willful children can be and will in time let up on their rigidity. Your on-going relationship with your adult children and their spouses and with your grandchildren is far more important than you getting your way, much like your daughter-in-law wants hers. Ma’m, you have parented 5 successful adults! You can do anything.

It’s not a widely known but I drive Uber some days. 

And, just short of 1500 trips over 2.5 years, I love it.

I love it because driving for Uber allows me to meet people I would otherwise hardly have the opportunity to meet.

In the process I’ve become thoroughly aware that it is often the so-called rich who are truly poor, and the poor, who are often really rich.

Uber rides are often reserved by providers of specialized services. These organizations (like adult day-care centers, hospitals, rehab facilities) reserve the rides for the clients.

We either bring the passenger to  such services or take the passenger home after the services have been rendered.

Last night I picked up a man (J) and his support dog (D) who were headed for a rehabilitation facility.

J and D entered my vehicle in quiet humility. We chatted about many things in our hour-long drive. We talked about cars and healthy living. We talked about our sons and daughters. J offered brief and poignant insights into some of the pain he has endured.

J revealed the hope he was experiencing as we drove to what would be his home for at least a number of weeks. 

He gave me hope for my future as he revealed his hope in his own.

No person can both love and control the same person (for an enduring length of time). This is true for all relationships, from the most casual and platonic, to professional, to the most intimate. It is also so for all family relationships. The one who is being controlled (manipulated, coerced, check-mated) will ultimately resist. He or she will find his or her way out, no matter how pleasing or attractive the so-called rewards or harsh the punishments. He or she who seeks to love will seek no power or control over anyone, most especially the object of his or her love.

The power to offer grace and forgiveness is first and foremost for your own well-being, your freedom, your dignity, your spiritual growth. It has nothing to do with licence or lack of accountability or “cheap grace” offered to whomever has hurt or offended you. Your dignity, your well-being, your generosity and spirituality is your business. Mind it. It’s worth it.

The power to be generous of spirit (and of wallet) lives within you, comes with the human package. Unlock it, free it, and you unlock and free your own spirit and ready it to soar. Your wealth is reflected in what you give, not what you store. Your wealth lies in whom you empower, not the power you may feel when glancing your bottom line. 

Ragesdale Art

To birth-moms* and birth-dads* at Christmas

DEFINITION*

Women and men who chose, (or opted, or had no option), who loved so much, were so amazingly overwhelmed, desperate, whatever your circumstances, who, out of love or desperation made a way. You made a way for your infant son or daughter, or older child to be adopted by people or a person about whom you knew very little or nothing at all. . 

MY MESSAGE

I see you, women and men, you must find yourselves thinking about the babies. The toddlers. The boys or girls (whatever age they are now – from a few days old to men or women of advanced age. I know you are thinking about that child. Thinking about his or her well-being. And whereabouts. You probably find yourself asking yourself questions that are coming at you from many directions, all at once.

I see you today, these days around Christmas, these “special” days. 

Did I do the right thing? Does she resent me now? What does he know? What do they tell her? Do I even cross her mind at Christmas? Does he long to know what I am like? Does he even know I exist? 

I can’t speak for anyone but for myself and about my observations regarding my sons: 

You are seldom far from my thoughts and our thoughts. We’ve talked about this a lot and we are filled with deep gratitude. We do not take what we have lightly: we have each other, we have time, we have laughter, freedom, fun. And we have tears and struggles and wounds and scars and stories of successes and failures.

But, none of it would be ours were it not for you.

Thank you, especially at this time of the year. Thank you. 

An Adoptive Dad    

Anger, like happiness, joy, and fulfillment, is an “individual pursuit.”

Its hurtful expression ought not be laid at the door of the victim.

People are angry – alone.

The “you-make-me-so-angry” line is a cop-out, a fallacy, and ought to be challenged and resisted.

“Buying it” helps the angry man or woman remain immature and maintain unhelpful control.

Certainly, my behavior could trigger your anger, but to do so, the anger has to be already resident, lurking, within you. I may be sufficiently powerful to light your fuse but it remains your fuse.

Many people “get” angry in traffic – but it is not the traffic that makes people angry – the traffic is the catalyst for the anger already resident in people.

I know men and women who can sit for hours in horrendous traffic and enjoy books on tape or soothing music! Despite their demanding careers (interrupted by heavy traffic) these men and women have correctly recognized that ranting and raving over things over which they have no control is rather pointless and foolish.

The first step dealing with anger is the recognition that it is not someone else’s fault – but is indeed something that needs to be addressed by the person within whom the anger has found a home.

Angry people abound.

Some cover it effectively, making careers of it (watch some sports stars!). Others appear to turn it into something productive like very hard work or passionate involvement in causes (watch some politicians).

Some, who have failed to deploy it down more helpful avenues, fight with everyone sooner or later.

Anger (in you or others) is beyond reasoning. “Reasoning” with anger or with an angry person, while he or she is feeling the anger, is pointless.

Get out of the way. This is the only helpful thing to do. Refuse to be the victim. If you are the one feeling and expressing the anger, remove yourself from possible victims – have your episode alone!

Anger cannot be “dealt with” academically, through willfulness, or resolutions. Ironically, it can only be dealt with when felt. Stopping, answering the question, “What is really going on here?” will help you find a solution. The ability to see what’s going on trumps the importance of its origin. “I am feeling out of control,” or “This situation appears to want to rob me of something,” or “I am not being recognized for my true importance,” will help you to give your feelings a greater context – and possibly defuse the moment into something more productive.

Five goals…..

Become the most generous person you know. This is not a challenge to give away all your money or possessions, rather it is a challenge to appreciate that you are probably in a position where you are able to empower others and reduce some anxiety for others were you to open your hand and wallet more often.

Become the most hospitable person you know. This is not a challenge to unwisely open your home to strangers (but keep in mind a stranger is most often a friend you do not yet know) or place yourself in danger. It is an invitation to identify the lonely people whom you already know and to be a source of welcome and comfort to them. 

Become self-aware. This is a challenge to embrace the opposite of selfishness. A self-aware person takes into account the impact he or she has on others and seeks always to do his or her part to initiate friendship, to participate in community, and to do no harm.  

Become a focussed listener when it is time to listen (it’s not always time to listen) to another. This is a challenge to resist finishing thoughts and sentences for others and deciding you already know what they are going to say. When it is time to listen, drop everything and do so. 

Become aware of what is necessary to share with others and what is not. This is a challenge to self-edit. Not all you think and feel needs to be expressed. Learn the power and value of holding onto yourself both for your own integrity and to respect and honor the privacy of others.

These past few days I’ve buried myself in three books – the printed on paper sort or books. I am reading ”The Land of Sweet Forever,” by Harper Lee, “The Burgess Boys,” by Elizabeth Strout, and “We Did OK, Kid,” by Anthony Hopkins.

I have discovered, over the years, I prefer to read two, sometimes three, books at a time. The variety, the quietness of the exercise, I find appealing. With this current selection, the memoir gives me a window into the life of a respected actor and movie star. Harper Lee’s early works evidence her warming up to pen “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Strout’s work of fiction unravels an acute family drama. The author illustrates her deep knowledge of the inner-workings of complex families – something almost all readers find familiar if we are willing to look. 

I like the unhurriedness of reading real paper books. I can take notes, watch for the authors’ unique styles, learn about writing and learn new words.

Anthony Hopkins describes a woman as “zaftig” and I was amused and a little sad that I’d never heard the word before. 

Had I known “zaftig” I would certainly have used it many times.

It takes a while, or I should say it took me a while, to learn that others don’t always see the world as you or I may expect.

People tend to make assumptions about each other and situations and outcomes based on their own contexts and experiences. 

And be wildly wrong.  

Loss of a loved one, a life-partner,  must equal grief – is a fairly safe assumption.

Or so I thought.

A woman in her 70s sat near me in a coffee-shop. There were a few indications that she’d engage in light conversation. After a little small talk and talk about her family and some reflections on her recent travels she told me her husband of 50-plus years had recently died. 

I expressed my condolences. 

“It’s a relief, really,” she said, “I’d tried for years to get out of that marriage. He was a very difficult man.”

I have frequently witnessed parents who lean toward obsessive, indulgent parenting.

It is, in my limited experience, a Western phenomenon, visible in more wealthy counties. 

While it sounds heretical I have encouraged many parents to have a life outside of their children. I promote the idea that children were never intended to be a parent’s reason to live (something I have often heard). Think of how much pressure that is for any child to shoulder. Children will crumble or rebel under the pressure of indulgence and worship. 

Divided attention (“I’ve got other things I have to do.”) is probably better for children than undivided attention (“I instantly drop everything when my children need me.”). 

I suggest parents pursue friendships with other adults and chase interest in the things they are good at like art, music, literature.

A healthy parent engages in activities that have nothing to do with his or her children or with parenting.

This usually enhances parenting and does not detract from it.

Nothing in the above suggests the promotion of child neglect. 

Far from it.

I’d suggest child indulgence is itself a form of neglect. 

Self-neglect will do your children no good at all, especially if the energy you do not spend on yourself is spent on over-caring (indulging) for your children.