Proclaiming “we are one big happy family” by the adults will be heard as a script that now must be followed, or covertly rejected. Children know the truth. If the blended family is happy it will require no announcement or proclamations. Happiness and contentment will speak loudly for themselves.
The step parent heartily confesses “I know i am not their mom/dad and I will never replace their absent parent” and yet tries too hard at playing the parent or friend role anyway. Step sons and daughters may really like the “new” husband or wife. The children may genuinely enjoy the adult company. But when step-mom or step-dad over-step boundaries – too much too soon – the confusion the children express will be experienced as rejection.
There is a tendency among blended families to over-supervise, to repeatedly check if everyone is doing well with the new family arrangement. There is a tendency to over-structure relationships rather than to trust the children (of all ages) to let them develop naturally. Such anxiety from the adults can upset the children who are quite happy to let things develop at a natural pace. Let people be – they don’t need as much help as many adults may think.
My office — if anyone is interested. I call it The Dream Center
If you want to stimulate greater health in your family – immediate and extended – there are things you can do, all of which are simple, but not easy:
Shift your focus and attention off the members of your family and what they are doing (or not doing) or saying (or not saying). Become a total expert in your own behavior and in your own behavior only.
You may begin to see and appreciate just how much your behavior supports or encourages what is uncomfortable for you in members of your family.
Yes. You may begin to see how your behavior promotes or supports what you criticize in others.
All relationships impact (shape, modify) all relationships.
Take care of what you are doing (or not doing) and saying (or not saying) and you will see some changes begin to occur, some of which you may like and some which you may not.
For example, the wife who complains that her husband is “a slob who won’t clean up after himself” may see that her over-functioning for him by cleaning up after her husband is supporting the behavior in him she most despises!
The dad who complains that his children are always scrolling on their phones may want to use his for calls and texts only so his observations and expectations of his children gain a leg to stand on.
A little knowledge can hinder real learning and discovery…..
I’ve heard Americans describe Africa and reduce the continent to three of four sentences. This is after a week-long “mission” trip to one of the 54 nations. I grew up in Africa, lived In South Africa for 35 years and have visited the continent a number of times. I don’t “know” it. I can only relate my experience of the beautiful, colorful and vibrant continent.
I’ve heard (a few) South Africans describe the USA, reducing the Union of 50 states and 350+ million people to three or four sentences. This is after visiting Disney for three days and Epcot for one. They return to South Africa ready to report like experts on life in the USA. I have to hold my tongue!
Yes, I’ve been to The Grand Canyon, to the view site only. But I don’t know the Grand Canyon. I looked it over from the tourist attraction site. I never stepped into, or hiked, or camped in the Grand Canyon. I wonder how long a person has to be in the Grand Canyon before he or she can claim to “know” the Grand Canyon. There is always more to discover even for the most frequent explorers.
I think we start to learn when we begin to see just how little we know and are willing to admit it.
Not everything is proceeding and progressing as you’d prefer at your business (church, school, hospital). You notice you are starting to avoid and resent some members of your team and some people in your organization. You’d rather not pick a fight so you’re managing your day (week, month) around who you do not want to encounter. You notice, on occasion, there’s a dictatorial edge lurking just under your calm exterior and you hope it is not going to take you by surprise.
Find a leadership coach.
You find yourself taking sides on issues and recruiting those who are on yours. While you know that surrounding yourself with YES men and women is probably not good for your organization it feels good. You know that the people who hold counter opinions are good for you and for you and for your organization, you’d like them to ease off a little.
Please, find a leadership coach.
Your family is getting in your way and there are times you want to stay at work rather than go home. At the very same time, when you are home, you want to work from home to avoid some of the underlying conflicts you have to address at work. Nowhere feels completely comfortable right now.
Please, for everyone’s sake, find a leadership coach.
You have met people who seem naturally combative, where every interaction is an argument waiting to happen. If you point out you may get, “So, what’s your point? You have a problem with that?”
For some, their goal is to fault-find, to criticize. Nothing is ever right or good, let alone perfect. If you draw attention to this proclivity you may get, “Someone has to keep things on track. Why have you left it up to me?”
Compliant people never put up a fuss or air an objection. “I don’t want to put anyone out. Offend anyone. I’ll do whatever you suggest so you don’t notice this about me in the future. Here, sorry, let me get out of your way.”
Grovelers – the obsequious – will do anything for a whiff of affirmation or acceptance. “I know he still loves me because at least he doesn’t notice me anymore,” said one woman about a break up, “he used to be angry when he saw me. That’s stopped now.”
These extremes — smidgeons of which (I believe) live in us all – are much deeper than expressions of so-called defense mechanisms. They are about survival. When everything “outside” is interpreted as out to get you, you have to do (or not do) or be (or not be) something.
“I am battling to communicate with my two grandchildren (16 and 14). I can’t get them to enjoy a conversation with me. They only talk when I ask questions about school or sport or how they are. It’s a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know.’ I get the traditional family hug when I visit and leave, but it is without any smile or sincerity. They never show any interest in me and when I’m visiting they’re on their cell phones or lounging on the couches watching TV. I give birthday and Christmas presents but never get a ‘thank you’ unless it’s prompted. Am I failing as a Grandparent? Help!”
I suggest there are millions of adolescents who would really want what you are offering. Any flaws, cracks in the context you describe probably originates with your grandchildren’s parents who have apparently tolerated this indifference. Perhaps their children also treat them in much the same way.
If it is possible you may want to express the contents of your letter to the adults who are parenting your grandchildren.
Be gentle. Use “I” statements. Describe your experiences. Suggest you hope for and want something a little better and need their help to get it. It is ok to express what you want so long as you are aware you may not get it, at least for now.
Hopefully when everyone grows up things will change.
Mondays offer a fresh opportunity to love, accept and honor all people. You can decide to be firm and loving and to express high expectations for yourself and of those around you.
Mondays offer a fresh opportunity to make amends, to make right anything that did not go well last week, or last month, or last year. It’s a necessary and powerful thing to say “I am sorry. Will you please give me another opportunity?”
Mondays offer an opportunity to start a new and useful routine or set in motion a useful new habit. You may decide to make Mondays the days you send out thank you cards or thank you emails to colleagues or family whom you appreciate. Mondays could be the days you call your mother or father at a set time and chat for as long as he or she wants.
Monday mornings may be the best time of the week to make decisions about how you will be for the week. You may decide that every week you will make a special attempt to pay attention to people and be kind no matter what hurdles you may face.
Your recent article about childhood brought back memories of a sad and painful childhood.
I was brought up in an era where “Children should be seen and not heard.”
Girl children, in particular, were treated as second class citizens.
My father believed that it was a waste of time and money to send his daughters to University, as all they would do would be to get married and have babies.
Emotions had to be suppressed. No crying when we hurt ourselves, just a sharp slap and a “pull yourself together.”
“I love you” was not in our parents vocabulary. A pat on the back or a well done, were unheard of, for fear of us becoming swollen headed.
Certain subjects were taboo and never discussed. The usual talk about the “birds and the bees” did not take place in our home, resulting in misunderstanding, fear and confusion.
How I longed, to be able to discuss anything and everything, with my mother, as my friends did with theirs.
I grew up with nothing but criticism and constantly being told, that I was useless and good for nothing.
Growing up, I was fearful, nervous and lacked confidence.
I have spent my entire life trying to prove my worth!
If you grew up in a disrupted home, where alcohol or gambling or marital strife tore people apart, where domestic conflicts were your family’s soundtrack and your parents fought night after night and you heard it all of this, this was your normal. It was easy to believe that everybody lived this way.
When you were around peaceful and loving families it was hard to trust they were not pretending their love and their happiness was fake.
If you grew up around bullies, people who made fun of you, belittled you, were cruel to you, that was your normal. You’ve probably spent much of your life trying to find the truth of who you are and what you can be rather than have it filtered by the belittling voices of your childhood.
If you grew up with warmth and affection and affirmation, and a ready welcome from both or one parent and who affirmed your skills, honored your opinions, recognized your abilities, you developed an inner-confidence.This was your normal. You had no need to compete for attention. You didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. You had a voice and knew how to use it even in early childhood.
Be grateful. Your beautiful normal was quite unusual.
“Parsnip, curried. Lightly” Tommy said when I asked about the soup of the day, “but let me check with Katie.”
Primo Kingpin Katie, affirmed.
‘Yes, slight kick,” reported barman Tommy and so, hearing “curry” and “kick” in the same sentence, I ordered, not a cup, but a bowl.
The soup, I tell you, was superb.
I wanted it to last all evening. .
Yes, this was at New Castle’s Primo on a Friday night, where Katie runs the show and barman Tommy knows what the whole city drinks and may even get it to you before you’re seated.
You have surely noticed?
Several new restaurants have joined Primo in the downtown area.
There’s “Ink and Ale,” “Ky’s American Bistro,” “Blue River Tap House,” “That’s My Dog,” and the newly renovated “Twin Lions.”
While I have visited some newbies in town I like to drop into Primo, slide in through the front door and take the first bar seat on the left. It’s an observer seat and it gives me a barfly feeling (a secret longing I have harbored for years) when I “007” in this way.
At Primo I have Tommy, my own barman.
I’ve never had a barman before, a man who knows exactly how to serve Club Soda, my drink of choice. It’s the only drink I’ve really ever over-indulged in any bar my travels have taken me, although, to be perfectly honest, I did have a White Russian in Sicily on one occasion. I repeated the act when the friend who challenged me in Sicily did so again when we visited Primo together.
Back to the Katie soup: the texture was divine, the spicy kick was just strong enough to warm my inners but not enough to water my eyes.
Perfect.
I’m sure there was a little carrot added for coloring but I could be wrong.
Katie did say there was leek and coconut milk.
Perfect, I tell you.
Downtown I am not only encouraged by the restaurants, you might also have noticed that apart from restaurants, there’s a rapid rise in the number of AirBnBs.
As the same goes “a rising tide lifts all ships” and so, yes, the increase in restaurants, the increase in the number of AirBnBs, and by the way, an increase in the use of Uber, is all good news for all us who live here. It’s good news for the local economy, for the mayor and the city council. It’s good news for all involved in the county’s economic development, and for the Henry County Community Foundation.
I love so much about living here: the fact that there are no parking meters and there are seldom traffic jams, the fact that I can get to major shopping outlets within five minutes from my home.
And, I love it here because Tommy knows just when I have enough to drink on my undercover barfly jaunts to Primo so I don’t find myself in the soup.
Rod Smith is the director of OpenHand International, INC. a New Castle based nonprofit which supports local and international causes.
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