A little knowledge can hinder real learning and discovery…..

I’ve heard Americans describe Africa and reduce the continent to three of four sentences. This is after a week-long “mission” trip to one of the 54 nations. I grew up in Africa, lived In South Africa for 35 years and have visited the continent a number of times. I don’t “know” it. I can only relate my experience of the beautiful, colorful and vibrant continent. 

I’ve heard (a few) South Africans describe the USA, reducing the Union of 50 states and 350+ million people to three or four sentences. This is after visiting Disney for three days and Epcot for one. They return to South Africa ready to report like experts on life in the USA. I have to hold my tongue! 

Yes, I’ve been to The Grand Canyon, to the view site only. But I don’t know the Grand Canyon. I looked it over from the tourist attraction site. I never stepped into, or hiked, or camped in the Grand Canyon. I wonder how long a person has to be in the Grand Canyon before he or she can claim to “know” the Grand Canyon. There is always more to discover even for the most frequent explorers. 

I think we start to learn when we begin to see just how little we know and are willing to admit it.

Inner-Red-flags for Leaders

Not everything is proceeding and progressing as you’d prefer at your business (church, school, hospital). You notice you are starting to avoid and resent some members of your team and some people in your organization. You’d rather not pick a fight so you’re managing your day (week, month) around who you do not want to encounter. You notice, on occasion, there’s a dictatorial edge lurking just under your calm exterior and you hope it is not going to take you by surprise.

Find a leadership coach.

You find yourself taking sides on issues and recruiting those who are on yours. While you know that surrounding yourself with YES men and women is probably not good for your organization it feels good. You know that the people who hold counter opinions are good for you and for you and for your organization, you’d like them to ease off a little.

Please, find a leadership coach.

Your family is getting in your way and there are times you want to stay at work rather than go home. At the very same time, when you are home, you want to work from home to avoid some of the underlying conflicts you have to address at work. Nowhere feels completely comfortable right now.

Please, for everyone’s sake, find a leadership coach.

You have met people who seem naturally combative, where every interaction is an argument waiting to happen. If you point out you may get, “So, what’s your point? You have a problem with that?” 

For some, their goal is to fault-find, to criticize. Nothing is ever right or good, let alone perfect. If you draw attention to this proclivity you may get, “Someone has to keep things on track. Why have you left it up to me?”

Compliant people never put up a fuss or air an objection. “I don’t want to put anyone out. Offend anyone. I’ll do whatever you suggest so you don’t notice this about me in the future. Here, sorry, let me get out of your way.”  

Grovelers – the obsequious – will do anything for a whiff of affirmation or acceptance. “I know he still loves me because at least he doesn’t notice me anymore,” said one woman about a break up, “he used to be angry when he saw me. That’s stopped now.” 

These extremes — smidgeons of which (I believe) live in us all – are much deeper than expressions of so-called defense mechanisms. They are about survival. When everything “outside” is interpreted as out to get you, you have to do (or not do) or be (or not be) something. 

“I am battling to communicate with my two grandchildren (16 and 14). I can’t get them to enjoy a conversation with me. They only talk when I ask questions about school or sport or how they are. It’s a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know.’ I get the traditional family hug when I visit and leave, but it is without any smile or sincerity. They never show any interest in me and when I’m visiting they’re on their cell phones or lounging on the couches watching TV. I give birthday and Christmas presents but never get a ‘thank you’ unless it’s prompted. Am I failing as a Grandparent? Help!”

I suggest there are millions of adolescents who would really want what you are offering. Any flaws, cracks in the context you describe probably originates with your grandchildren’s parents who have apparently tolerated this indifference. Perhaps their children also treat them in much the same way. 

If it is possible you may want to express the contents of your letter to the adults who are parenting your grandchildren. 

Be gentle. Use “I” statements. Describe your experiences. Suggest you hope for and want something a little better and need their help to get it. It is ok to express what you want so long as you are aware you may not get it, at least for now. 

Hopefully when everyone grows up things will change.

Mondays offer a fresh opportunity to love, accept and honor all people. You can decide to be firm and loving and to express high expectations for yourself and of those around you. 

Mondays offer a fresh opportunity to make amends, to make right anything that did not go well last week, or last month, or last year. It’s a necessary and powerful thing to say “I am sorry. Will you please give me another opportunity?” 

Mondays offer an opportunity to start a new and useful routine or set in motion a useful new habit. You may decide to make Mondays the days you send out thank you cards or thank you emails to colleagues or family whom you appreciate. Mondays could be the days you call your mother or father at a set time and chat for as long as he or she wants. 

Monday mornings may be the best time of the week to make decisions about how you will be for the week. You may decide that every week you will make a special attempt to pay attention to people and be kind no matter what hurdles you may face.

Dear Rod

Your recent article about childhood brought back memories of a sad and painful childhood.

I was brought up in an era where “Children should be seen and not heard.”

Girl children, in particular, were treated as second class citizens.

My father believed that it was a waste of time and money to send his daughters to University, as all they would do would be to get married and have babies. 

Emotions had to be suppressed. No crying when we hurt ourselves, just a sharp slap and a “pull yourself together.”

“I love you” was not in our parents vocabulary. A pat on the back or a well done, were unheard of, for fear of us becoming swollen headed.

Certain subjects were taboo and never discussed. The usual talk about the “birds and the bees” did not take place in our home, resulting in misunderstanding, fear and confusion.

How I longed, to be able to discuss anything and everything, with my mother, as my friends did with theirs.

I grew up with nothing but criticism and constantly  being told, that I was useless and good for nothing.

Growing up, I was fearful, nervous and lacked confidence.

I have spent my entire life trying to prove my worth! 

Durban Reader

Published with permission.