I know, I know, it’s counter-intuitive

Defining yourself, setting your own personal goals as if you are alone in this world, and getting your focus off others will deepen your levels of connection and intimacy with others.

Authentic intimacy is contingent upon the development of a secure self. To work on your Self – to set goals, to develop and accomplish personal challenges – is not selfish. Not to do so, usually is.

Freeing others of their debts to you — gross or trivial, real or imagined — will increase your freedom or make you free. The resentments we collect poison our vision and taints all our relationships. Our resentments may be specific, targeted at one person or a few people, but the toxins that brew are generic and impact all of our insights and relationships.

All growth requires some loss and will probably illicit some grief no matter how much change is wanted or necessary. Men and women grieve the loss of even the worst of marriages and even the most abusive of circumstances. People become accustomed to the most trying of circumstances and will often grieve quite unexpectedly when those circumstances change.

“Getting a life” outside of your children and “outside” of your marriage is good for you, your children, your spouse, and for your marriage.

As I said, it’s counter-intuitive….

“My father (72) is seeing a woman (68). Both have lost life-long partners after long illnesses. They have been on their own for a year for my dad and about 18 months for her mom. Her daughter and I are friends. Both of us think it is too soon for my dad and her mom to be in a relationship. We have not told them this yet but are planning to. They have picked up that we are not really supportive. How should we approach this?” 

While I think I understand your shared concerns, I would suggest you both get out of their way. 

I find it rather sad to read “they have picked up” that you are “not really supportive.” 

If you want to approach your dad and your friend’s mother with anything, approach them with two huge bowls of flowers (preferably roses) and strong greeting cards which express encouragement and affirmation. 

Be sure the cards are signed by all the members of both families. 

That your parents are dating again is a compliment to their courage after deep losses. 

Support and enjoy what is happening between them and be part of the excitement rather than try to deny or kill it.  

The Chess Metaphor 

In healthy relationships there are no elements of either winning or losing. Relationships are not a game and are free of tactics and agenda.

They are open and transparent.

Healthy relationships enjoy respect, mutuality, and equality at every level. 

Unfortunately not all relationships are healthy. 

Do your closest relationships have you feeling as if you are a player in a game of chess with humans?

This metaphor may be helpful when considering the three “cancers” or toxic conditions of relationships: 

MANIPULATION 

This is playing chess with another person or with people. It’s maneuvering as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into loving us or into doing what we want the way we want it done. It can be very subtle and it can be very obvious. Hidden agendas abound. 

DOMINATION 

This is playing chess with another person or with people as in manipulation with an added twist. The difference is the one who seeks to dominate has removed the opponent’s pieces without declaring so and therefore seems always to have the upper hand or the advantage. 

INTIMIDATION

This is playing chess with another person or with people where winning and losing comes with the threat of punishment or actual punishment. The punishment may include the silence game, withholding affection or money, or “forgetting” something the victim holds dear. 

You’ve got the love families……

Some select a victim, a scapegoat, to shoulder all the woes that have little or nothing to do with the chosen one. Some families choose a hero to make themselves feel better, recognized, even famous. 

Some families walk in lockstep without questioning direction or pace or destination.  In some families people run in so many directions it’s hard to identify who may or may not belong. 

Some parents have a plan for just about everything. They regard childhood as a walk through stages of training and preparation for adulthood. Some children just get older.

Some families have fun and enjoy laughter and honor each other’s humor. They listen to each other’s jokes and stories be they often repeated. Some families settle for scoffing and sarcasm as if putting each other down is the only expression of “humor” they know.

Some families talk about everything where no topic is taboo and there are usually willing listeners.  Some families have long understood and avoided the landmine material beneath the surface and know how to always avoid it.

Some families (unknowingly) appoint a spokesperson to manage the family story. Some decide no one will ever hear it — not even those in the family.

I challenge my adult clients to focus only on their own behavior and their own thinking. 

Many conversations reveal people to be experts in what their significant others will, won’t do, or will or won’t say under a myriad of circumstances then offer a blank stare when asked about their own behaviors. This unhealthy focus on others leads to thinking for others, too. 

And, it can all look and sound so loving.

I encourage a shift in discipline – to become an expert in one’s own behavior and to think for oneself or to get out of other people’s heads. 

This is not selfish. 

Consider how selfish it really is to focus on the behavior of others and to think it is necessary to think for others. Consider how self-aware and considerate it is to monitor our own behavior and to trust others to be capable of thinking for themselves.

Being an expert in another can be annoying. 

Thinking for another can be quite amusing.

“You are hungry. You need the loo. You are always so difficult. You must be cold, wear this,” I heard one spouse say to another. 

Then she’ll complain he has no life in him.