Observations for students who are studying the art and science of talk therapy….

You are working too hard if you – the therapist – are talking too much. It is the client’s hour, not yours. The therapy hour is for the client to learn about the client’s life and family, not yours. Listen to the client’s stories, avoid telling your own. 

You are working too hard and probably have an exaggerated concept of your role if you take clients “home” with you in your head. This does not mean you ought not think about your daily work at home, but it is an unhealthy sign if your clients are keeping you awake at night. Also, it is (usually) a red flag if one client gets more of your thinking time than another.

“Too much too soon” is usually, if not always, a red flag. If your client improves overnight, if your approach to therapy is regarded as “miraculous” or if your connections with your clients seem to be immediate. Try to be healthy enough to assess who is (unintentionally) misleading who. All authentic human encounters take time and patience and quick therapeutic rewards are probably fool’s gold. Pleasing the therapist or pleasing the client is not the goal of the therapeutic hour (or month, or year).

Willing, pushing, shoving, urging, steering, strong-arming, using charm, using unspoken bribery, emitting sharp glances of anger – silent and emotional bullying – can all be done, sometimes simultaneously, without saying so much as a single word. 

Lovers can do it to each other.  (“He gives me ‘that’ look.”)

Parents do it to their children. (“Mom, you are using your ‘be quiet’ eyes.”)

Children try it with their parents. (“It you don’t give me your phone NOW I am going to throw a tantrum.”)

Whenever one person uses such attempts at modifying the behavior of another, the target knows it, and will want to resist it, unless there are immediate short-term benefits. 

Playing along can have desired rewards.

No one likes to have their will, their freedoms, their autonomy messed with – not even for love.

Long-term use of such pressures (even if it’s “for his/her own good”) will be resisted, then ignored, and ultimately rejected. 

It is in recognizing and stopping such behaviors that people learn to leave each other alone is the healthiest sense. 

When people give up the pinning stares, their “be quiet” eyes and the “don’t you dare mention that” flick of the face, the targets will enjoy autonomy from controlling impulses and be free to explore who they really are, and, everybody wins.

When you are at the end of your tether….

You probably don’t need much or any guidance from others given that you have come thus far and succeeded at so much already. Trust your inner-reserves. Most people are more powerful and resourceful than they are willing to admit. 

Take a little time to remember your journey. Recall the skills you employed to overcome earlier hurdles. There will be much to learn from your moments of past successes that can be put into practice right now. It is the off-the-cuff stuff, the unplanned reactions, that gets most of us into deeper trouble. Take time to think and plan, Time is your friend, not your enemy. 

What would your mother or father say? What would your grandmother or grandfather say about what you are facing right now? Most of us can dig into our memories and recall a wise elder whose wisdom would be applicable, even years after their deaths. Tap into your memory and the end of your tether may be a moment of unexpected grace and success.

The answer to the dilemma you face – the end of your tether – is probably not hidden within a book you are yet to read or a speaker you have yet to hear. The answers, or the beginnings of a solution, are probably hiding within your deepest heart and awareness and waiting to emerge as you decide to do what is right and good and loving no matter what you face.