Apart from the obvious, like your good health, success, and happiness, healthy parents usually want very little from their sons and daughters. Giving your parents what they want will certainly not over-burden any middle or high-school student.

Essentially, your parents want to know you. They want to be included. Involved. They want you to know them. They probably do not want you to be their best friend but they do want you to be friendly, thoughtful and polite.

What they do not want is exclusion from your life in ways convenient to you, then inclusion in your life, again, in ways convenient to you. Many young adults seem driven to be totally independent of their parents, while at the same time presuming to share in all the benefits as one who is totally dependent.

A simple challenge

If you sincerely increase your willingness to offer your parents your time, hard work, good attitude with regards to school and family, their demands (rules, expectations) upon you will radically decrease. If you pay particular attention to increasing the quality of your relationship with your parents, their demands will become increasingly flexible and you will enjoy growing and healthy autonomy.

This is not manipulation, a game or a trade-off. When you genuinely offer your parents an authentic inroad into who and what you are, you will be demonstrating your capacity to cope with the very freedom healthy parents want their sons and daughters to have and enjoy.

Don’t lie to your parents. Being deceived by people in your inner-sanctum is as painful as painful and shocking as being hit, from behind, by a speeding bus. It is disorienting and often results in permanent damage. Truth is a far more attractive currency than lies. No. It is not “natural” or “normal” to lie to your parents and it is not “part of growing up.” Rebellion is not required for separation and development.

Ten ways to know you are growing up …

1. You take responsibility for your academic progress.
2. You don’t look for someone to blame when things go wrong.
3. You take responsibility for your attitudes and actions.
4. You have high standards when choosing friends and activities.
5. You avoid things you know are bad for you.
6. You focus on giving rather than on receiving.
7. You apologize face-to-face when apologies are necessary.
8. You do not talk negatively about people behind their backs.
9. You save more money than you spend.
10. You don’t pout when things don’t go your way.

Copyright 2006, Rod Smith, MSMFT