I get a number of letters each week about stepparenting, gone awry. The theme is usually something like, “the children were wonderful in the beginning,” and, “I am the only father/mother they could trust” and, “now I am being accused of trying to take over,” or “he/she said I am invading his/her boundaries,” and, “this is the last thing I expected from what was a very cute and loving little boy/girl.” Please help.
While such scenarios are hurtful to the well-meaning stepparent, whose honest desire is to love, guide and care for the child who accompanies the new spouse into the new marriage, the potential problems must be seen in a context: the child has emerged from the ruins of something (a broken marriage or relationship of some sort).
The adults in the “new” family constellations must address some matters from the very outset by avoiding the “too-much-too-soon” trap. This is the temptation is to be “larger” to a young child than the length, or depth, of the relationship can realistically allow. (Don’t behave like the relationship is longer or deeper than it actually is).
If you are entering a blended family, do not be “more” to the children, even if they will allow it. Being “more,” “bigger,” “greater,” than a biological parent will almost always come back to haunt the well-meaning “new” mom or dad.
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