I was a drunkard for years but have been clean for more than five years. In my “stupidity years” I had a very supportive girlfriend. She tolerated everything. I keep asking myself whether I loved her then or was it because she had no problem with my drinking. I’ve met someone I communicate with easily. We are friends more than lovers, which was something that was missing from the other relationship. I feel she is not the right person for me. I feel I am betraying the woman who tolerated me all those years. What do I do? (Letter edited)
Congratulations on your sobriety. Drunks use people. The disease of alcoholism makes people very self-centered and it attracts (cultivates) people who are equally ill who “tolerate everything.” You used this woman. It appears she used you. Although she may deeply love you, toleration is no indication of love.
Tolerating someone because they tolerated you is hardly flattering. One would hope a woman would want more from a relationship than the fulfillment of obligation.
There is no “right” person for you. A healthy relationship will shape both persons into being right (and sometimes “wrong”) for each other. Sobriety means you have stopped drinking but it does not necessarily mean you have stopped using people.
You get to choose what kind of person you will be, and what kind of relationship you want. I hope you, and any woman with whom you share life, will always opt for complete mutuality, deeply shared respect and equality at every level of your sober life together.
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