Ten things victims of domestic abuse must learn to say and act upon…

by Rod Smith


I will not be contained.....

1. It is never acceptable for you to scream at, or hit, the children or me.
2. It is never acceptable for you to confine the children or me.
3. It is never acceptable for you to break things or throw things even if you own the house and everything in it.
4. It is not acceptable for you to cut me off from the world by taking my money or keys, phone, or personal items.
5. I will not ride in the car with you when you are angry or drunk.
6. It is never acceptable for you to force or manipulate me into sex or sexual practices I do not want.
7. I will not accept responsibility for your outbursts of anger or violence.
8. Being really sorry for your behavior is not enough – you must get professional help.
9. Forgiveness is not enough – you must get professional help.
10. When I tell you forgiveness is not enough, that I will not come back to you, don’t turn it on me and say I know nothing about forgiveness.

4 Comments to “Ten things victims of domestic abuse must learn to say and act upon…”

  1. Rod,
    Very good list. Thank-you for sharing this with the world, I hope that someone in this situation is able to use it. I would love to see you write a piece on how to generate the courage to use this list (maybe you already have, I just have not read it yet). I believe that most people in an abusive situation would love to apply these 10 things to say, however they are unable to find the courage to act on them, instead reacting out of fear for their or their children’s well being.

  2. But how can someone get the professional help they need if they don’t see the problem themselves? The person who is abusive has to recognize the problem and be willing to seek help on their own; no one can force them to do it. “Sorry”s are all we have sometimes, and if you love someone how can you turn your back on them, especially if you can see they need help? Rod, you know my situation. I love my bf very much. I moved out and I know that was a good step, but I still deeply love him. He won’t get help because he doesn’t understand he has an illness, because the illness prevents him seeing it…. it’s cycular. How can you get through to someone like this without setting them off or making them perceive you as the “enemy?”

  3. Yeah and good luck because if you are with an abusor you are not with a normal person. So really if you are in that situation where you are being abused and so are your children words are a waste of time.

    1. Start putting money away so you have something to use when you get away.
    2. Don’t keep it a secret, make sure someone you trust knows you are being abused.
    3. Try to get a job, a part time job, don’t give up work, don’t let yourself be financially dependant.
    4. See it as your own sickness and work on your self esteem, the fact that you are in an abusive relationship means there is something very wrong with you.
    5. Don’t stay in a situation where your children are being abused, that makes you an abusor too.
    6.If you are hit, do press charges, make sure you get a police report.
    7.If you are hit then get the hell out, most murders of woman are done by their husbands.
    8.It’s never too late to change, you might have to be in a shelter for a while and have a less than ideal job but it’s never too late to rebuild your life.
    9.He might say sorry but statitics show that once violence and abuse has occurred in a relationship it happens again. It always happens again.
    10.Learn to develop your intuition about people, don’t get involved in a relationship where it’s unequal or where it feels like you are being “rescued”. Most abusive relationships begin that way.

    Rod, what are your qualifications exactly?

  4. You have composed a most helpful list. Thanks a lot. I trust some person who really needs you list will find it.
    Thanks for asking. May you have a wonderful day.

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